It’s always a pleasure to catch up with either of my Joshes, but last night, Whitney-Josh had THE most amazing story for me. Ever. And let me just say that you know a story is going to be good when someone like Whitney kicks it off by saying, “So I was watching the Tyra show…” because people like Whitney do not just watch Tyra – not unless they are too ill to change the channel, or maybe if they happen to be passing by the channel just as Tyra says something like, “I like to cook with condiments at the table.” Really, Tyra? Cook? I’m sorry, but I thought that required some sort of heating implement. Is she planning on using the candles at the table? Or perhaps the bald head of the man eating the Vindaloo at the next table? No, no. She had no such plan, and I’m so glad that Josh was also intrigued enough to stop flipping channels and hear Tyra out because, y’all. It is incredible, and by “incredible,” I mean literally incredible. Unbelievable. Too weird for words.
So Tyra tells her audience she’s going to show them how to make fried chicken using things you might find on the table of a restaurant. And she whips the lid off of a platter to reveal several pieces of fried chicken, and she says, “We’re going to make fried chicken” (this is important). Now I don’t know about y’all, but my first thought was, Ok, she’s going to use the salt, pepper, olive oil maybe, red pepper flakes and oregano if she’s really stretching, and maybe some bread crumbs to season and prepare chicken. And then she’ll fry it. But that is where I was OH SO WRONG.
Tyra then tells the viewers that she’s going to use an ingredient that’s old. It’s really old, she says, like a hundred million trillion bazillion years old, like as old as food itself, like the dinosaurs ate it. Ok I don’t know if she said all of that, but I know she said it was old. She then opens it up to the audience to guess what this mega-uber-old ingredient is (my guess: salt), and one girl raises her hand and says, “Um, is it, like, soup?”
“No!” Tyra says, “It’s not soup. What’s your name?”
“Come on down here, Angelica!”
And now we have two idiots onstage.
So the first step, Tyra says, in making fried chicken at your table is to take a piece of bread from the bread basket. And everyone in the audience magically had a piece of bread under their seats! So the whole audience is pulling out bags of bread to make fried chicken along with Tyra.
Is it starting to sound really weird yet? Yeah, just wait.
So you take the bread, and you put a lot of butter on it. Just slather it right on there. Butter it up. Then, you’re going to need a little salt, but just a little because the butter’s already salted. And then you need a LOT of pepper. I mean really, a lot. And Tyra is shaking it and shaking it and shaking it onto the buttered, salted bread.
And THEN (and this is the key step, I think, because making fried chicken out of bread is 100% mental and 0% culinary skill), just before you take a bite, you say to yourself, “Fried chicken.”
And the whole audience is eating this thing they have just made at their seats that is clearly not fried chicken, and Tyra is chowing down on hers and saying, “Ohmigodyouguys it tastes JUST like fried chicken!” while the audience – both in the studio and at home – is thinking, There is no way in this world or any other, or on any planet or in any parallel or fictional universe that that tastes anything like anything resembling fried chicken in ANY way.
Perhaps I am too harsh, though, having not tried it. But most likely not.