Why I Won’t Date You (Besides the Fact that You’re Not Real)

Look, y’all. When I allowed anonymous questions on the formspring page, this was really not what I had in mind.

beth..i’ve had the biggest crush on you for awhile! i don’t go on here a lot. but please message me on www.dateanswer.com under the username “wishfulthinker”. please don’t get all weird =)

Ok. I am 100% sure this is not legit, so I feel completely non-a-holey saying no, Mr. Terrible Punctuation, I will not go out with you. And the only thing weird here is that www.dateanswer.com is not a real website, so…now I kind of feel like you’re making fun of me. Like you’re declaring fake feelings for me as a joke (heh heh heh senior prank, senior prank, heh heh senior prank).

I’m not going to cry myself to sleep or anything, though. I mean it’s not like you have a chance with me anyway (NON-a-holey because this is fake, remember?).

Author: beth

I'm told that I'm cleverly stupid, and that's why people are friends with me. And here I thought it was because I was so dang cute...

5 thoughts on “Why I Won’t Date You (Besides the Fact that You’re Not Real)”

  1. If you think its not legit, why do you bother answering it. On the other hand, “your first” wasn’t even a question but your response was brilliant!

    1. I don’t THINK it’s not legit. I am 100% sure. And I answered it mostly so I could write (heh heh heh senior prank senior prank heh heh senior prank).

      And thank you. I was pretty proud of “your first” myself.

  2. So I’ve detected a problem with your strategy of refusing to date imaginary people. See, there are an infinite number of imaginary people. If you take the pool of people you might potentially date and remove an infinite number of people from it the probability that you would date anyone left in it also becomes infinity. So I think you’ve just committed yourself to dating every real person who asks.

    1. I’m not 100% sure I understand that logic, but that is generally my dating policy already. If a real (single) man asks me out, I’ll probably go out with him at least once. I’m sure there are exceptions to that, but under most circumstances, that is the rule.

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