First of all, I can’t wait to see the jump in page views with a title like that. And more importantly, how soon is too soon to start counting down the days until I leave for Italy as opposed to the weeks? Because I’m going to be IN ITALY exactly five weeks from now, which means I leave exactly five weeks from yesterday, which, by my calculations, is 35 and 34 days respectively. Is that too many days? Can I go ahead and make one of those paper chain-a-majigs and start tearing one off each day? Is there a more grown-up way to go about this? Or at least a more eco-friendly way? Ooo! I wonder if there’s some sort of countdown widget I could install here that would do it for me. I’m SURE that there has to be. Even if I have to get one that counts down until my (nonexistant) baby is born, that’ll be fine. Y’all can just imagine that the growing fetus is the Mediterranean coast growing larger and larger as I get closer to living on it.

And then you can all vomit to make up for the morning sickness that I didn’t experience with my non-pregnancy. And THEN, I’ll go to Italy and get all fat on pasta and cannolis, which is exactly the opposite of what’s supposed to happen AFTER you give birth, but since I’m doing the exact opposite of giving birth, that makes sense.

Wait, what would the exact opposite of giving birth be? I was just thinking it would be not giving birth, but I suppose it could mean murder. I’m not doing that, for the record. You hear that, American police, Italian police, FBI, INTERPOL, SPECTRE? I’m NOT murdering anyone. But I may kill myself slowly with wine and lots and LOTS of carbs.

IN 35 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!