I live in a musical, if only in my own mind. There’s always a song playing in my head, always a lyric to fit the occasion, and if I had my way, we’d all burst into spontaneous, choreographed dance in the streets daily. The weather (natural lighting) would also fit our moods, and our outfits would always range from just a little over the top to holy sequins, Batman! This is my ideal world.

Unfortunately, the rats on the street don’t all dance around my feet encouragingly (Hairspray), getting mugged in New York is almost never a golden opportunity to throw caution to the wind and start from scratch (Thoroughly Modern Millie), and I fear most child laborers don’t psych themselves up for a long day’s work with a robust song and dance around the city square (Newsies).

The real world isn’t an ideal world, but I can create one by writing a musical.

This is something I’ve been talking about for a while. It’s an idea my sister and I had on our way to Mom and Dad’s house for Christmas one year. We were listening to Neil Diamond, and when “America” came on, we both heard it – really heard it in a new way – as an opening number.

Click play, then read on as you listen.

The strings start out low and ominous as we see the city, quiet and dimly lit in the early morning. Then as one, hopeful, sustained note plays, the sun begins to rise as the city comes to life. Husbands kiss wives good-bye as they head off to work in their suits and hats, women shake out rugs from their balconies, florists open their shops and sweep off their stoops, restaurateurs haggle with fishermen over the price of their daily catch, and as the bell chimes, we see a boat coming into the harbor, its passengers on deck, groggy and shivering, but hopeful as they catch their first glimpse of the Statue of Liberty.

The music picks up as dock workers and the ship’s crew begin preparations for the boat’s arrival, throwing ropes, sacks and crates in time with the music and readying the gangway.

A male passenger on the deck of the ship sings: Far. We’ve been traveling far, without a home, but not without a star.

Another passenger, surrounded by his wife and several children sings: Free. Only want to be free. We huddle close, and hang on to a dream.

Someone on shore sings: On the boats and on the planes, they’re coming to America. Never looking back again, they’re coming to America.

You get the picture. Characters continue singing lines of the song until everyone aboard and ashore is singing, “Today!”

The captain of the ship descends the gangway slowly singing, “My country, ’tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Of thee I sing today!” Then everyone joins back in with the “todays,” and as they leave the boat and enter the immigration building, they stop singing until all that’s left onstage is one boy, looking at the statue, almost whispering, “Today.”

Just thinking about it is making me want to watch it. There’s just one problem: In order to watch it, I have to write it, and I don’t know ANYTHING about writing a play. I honestly don’t know anything about writing fiction. Listening to several Neil Diamond songs, I see scenes playing so vividly in my mind, but I have no idea how they are related to each other or how they’ll string together to make a story.

And that’s part of the reason I want to go to the Living a Better Story Seminar in Portland. Living a story means knowing what a story is all about, and living a better story requires the ability to envision it. That’s basically what you need to write fiction too, am I right?

And ok, so I lied before when I said there was just one thing standing in the way of me watching my musical. There are lots of obstacles:

1. I have no idea how to write a play. We’ve now covered that. I need writing classes/workshops/groups to help me.
2. I’ll have to get Neil Diamond’s permission to use his songs.
3. Once a play is written, I’ll need performers, a place to present it, people to design/make costumes and sets, a marketing team/plan/materials, and money to pay for all of these things.
4. Not to mention, once the show is written, I’ll need to concentrate all my efforts on getting it ready, which means I’ll need funds to cover my living expenses for a few months.
5. I want Neil Diamond to appear in the show as Brother Love of “Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show.”

I’ve got a lot of work to do. I’m hoping the conference will teach me a little about story-telling, but also about finding the resources I’ll need to do this (or any other big thing I might want to do). I’m hoping it’ll be an encouraging thing and that it’ll get my creative mind thinking about where to get the money to take the classes and pay the people to build the sets and make the costumes, etc. And I guess I’m really hoping it’ll teach me how to invite others into my story in a way that makes them want to participate and/or follow a big dream of their own.

Here’s a video about the conference for anyone else who’s interested. Wasn’t it so sweet of Don to make this for y’all? I’ll be sure to thank him properly if he picks me to attend the conference (I’m thinking cupcakes, but feel free to leave suggestions for how to thank him properly in the comments).

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

I realized this morning that I’ve been neglecting my questions lately. I’m trying to find a balance between answering those and just telling you fun stories about what’s happening. For the most part, there aren’t a lot of fun stories about what’s happening because my days are spent sitting on my couch, writing articles, and then driving half an hour to teach. And sometimes after I drive the 30 minutes to teach, there are no students. So…yeah. The questions are really more interesting than my life. All of that is about to change, but I’m not ready to make a formal announcement just yet, so hang in there, internet, and let’s talk about time travel.

Presuming you had a time machine what’s the stupidest and most dangerous thing you would probably do with it, despite having answered this question and having labeled it as both stupid and dangerous?

Well, I think time travel in general is definitely dangerous and probably stupid. I mean, Marty McFly’s hand disappeared when his mom was slow dancing/struggling with Biff, and his dad was too wussy to step in. But that’s what you risk when you meddle in your parents’ high school lives. My parents didn’t go to high school together, so I wouldn’t have to worry about that, but if we’ve learned anything from Back to the Future, it’s that you don’t screw around with the space-time continuum. Doing so is both stupid and dangerous, and you could lose a hand in the middle of your guitar solo.

However, there are a few things I’d like to see happening:

• my parents’ wedding – There is no video footage available that I know of. I assume it’s because video cameras were only for TV/film studios in the early 70s.
• me as a baby – There are not a lot of pictures of me as a baby that I know of, and I don’t really remember anything before I started school, and even then, it’s all pretty hazy until about 5th grade. I’m sure my mom could tell us what I was like, but it would be way cuter to see tiny me in action. Unless I was a jerk. Was I a jerk?
• my ancestors coming to the U.S. – My sister is making a massive family tree for our reunion this year, and I’m sure she’d love an eye-witness account of this. Plus, y’all know how much I love to travel, but to be ON THE BOAT with them, knowing what the country is going to become generations down the line, and seeing what it was like back then…man, that would be awesome.
• Beethoven playing his own stuff

All of those things, I just want to witness. I don’t necessarily have to be a participant in history for those. But here are some things I would want to do:

• meet Jane Austen
• hang out with the Beatles before they were famous, and teach them all the Monkees’ songs before the Monkees even form a band (just to be a mischievous punk, not because I have anything against the Monkees)
• follow Jesus, like literally, in person, walking in the dirt (and the rocks, and the…)
• convince Amy Grant that “Baby, Baby” is a bad idea
• convince John Mayer not to record half of his songs
• stop Shutter Island from being filmed, and convince Leo to do a movie that requires more shirtlessness
• convince myself to go vegetarian in college
• introduce myself to Mediterranean food much sooner (hummus, falafel, stuffed grape leaves, etc.)
• smuggle slaves to free states
• smuggle Jews to safety during WWII
• invent leg warmers before anyone else
• invent velcro

Like I said, I think time travel in general would be pretty stupid and dangerous, so I don’t know which of these things is the worst. I’ll let y’all be the judge as to exactly which thing is the stupidest/most dangerous and/or which is the likeliest to cause me to lose appendages. What would YOU do with a time machine?

I’m writing an article for YourDictionary entitled “Who Is Jimmy Fallon’s Wife?” I love writing these who’s-married-to-whom articles because there’s always a love story involved, and I just think that’s precious. Unfortunately, not much of J.Fal’s love story is online. And yes, I just nicknamed him J.Fal. What of it?

So I just tweeted, “I need to say 200 more words about @jimmyfallon and his wife. Wish I knew how they met/how he proposed/where they got married. Jimmy?” and I’m going to see if he responds. I doubt he will, but how awesome would that be? If you’re on twitter, do encourage him to email me with this information.

I know who his wife is, and I can make an educated guess as to how they met, but I can’t be sure, and I don’t want to lie on the dictionary website. That would be worse than making poop jokes (which I do in those articles every chance I get). If you get a hold of him, ask him to email me (onwardhoe at gmail dot com) with the answers to the following questions:

• How/when did you and Nancy meet?
• Was it love at first sight?
• How long were you together before you got engaged?
• How did you (or she?) propose?
• Where did you get married?
• Who was in your wedding party?
• Would you like to be a part of the not-actually-being-written musical “Just Now” when it is completed? I think we could toss you in a man salad. Wait. Does that mean something I don’t want it to mean? Because I mean literally, there will be a big bowl and giant tongs, and men will fly around on wires as though they are bits of lettuce and radicchio.

Thanks, blogosphere. Thanks, twitterverse. Thanks, man salad (with vinaigrette).

Honestly, by the time I get around to talking about the boat show, no one is going to care (if there’s anyone even now who cares). But I still haven’t found the cord, and SOMEbody still hasn’t sent me The Picture, so today, I have two topics I’d like to discuss.

First of all, I FINALLY went to see Up in the Air last weekend in Raleigh, and y’all, I loved it. There were some present who found it depressing and nightmarish because it’s all about a guy with no friends who fires people for a living. But I saw it more as a wake-up call to people who don’t have any real relationships in their lives, people whose lives are all about reaching bizarre, pointless and/or silly goals like flying 10,000,000 miles, and people who are stuck in jobs they don’t really care for because it’s safer than pursuing what they love. Life is too short, man. You gotta make it count. Do go and see it if you haven’t already.

And second, I have these weird little dry patches all over my arms. They’re each maybe half an inch in diameter, some of them are reddish, and some are kind of scaly, but they don’t itch or hurt at all. At first, when there was only one, I thought maybe it was due to the drier air up in the mountains (the skin on my hands was really dry at the time, too, which happens to me in the winter), but now there are lots of them, and it’s weirding me out. I think I have leprosy. What do you think?

I missed a lot while I was gone: new TV shows, popular Halloween costumes, Adam Lambert being awful (well, I wouldn’t say I missed that, but that I was spared, thank goodness), and the death of John Hughes. I’m catching up slowly, though, and I hope that by my birthday (March 6, start shopping now), I’ll be fully re-Americanized.

When I went to the $1.50 movie theater for the first time, though, upon my return, I experienced a little bit of reverse culture shock. If you are not aware of how cheap movie theaters work, you have probably been out of the country for much longer than I was, so let me enlighten you. A movie comes out in the theater. It’s costs $10. For ONE person. If you wait a few months, though, that same film will play in the $1.50 (or in some places, $1 or $2) theater, and you can save $8-10, depending on where you live.

So I went to the $1.50 theater in Raleigh, and since these movies are older, the previews are also for older movies – movies that probably came out months ago as well, movies I should have heard of, but hadn’t. I was so out of the loop, and I probably still am, but just in case you’ve been living in a different country, under a rock or with a child under the age of  eight, I wanted to tell you about two movies that came out this fall that you need to go see.

Fantastic Mr. Fox

It’s sort of weird, and the animation takes some getting used to, but the story is good (thanks, Roald Dahl), the cast is superb, the voice acting is excellent, the soundtrack is pretty cussin’ great, and there are lots of unexpected hilarious parts. Like how they just say “cuss” instead of any cuss word they might have chosen. “I’m going to ignore your advice.” “The cuss you are.”

I’ve seen Fantastic Mr. Fox twice now (for less than half the price of one regular movie ticket, thank you very much), and I’d seriously go again. I definitely want to own this movie and watch it repeatedly when it comes out on DVD.

Pirate Radio

Another $1.50 well-spent. When JBeau and I went to see this, our ticket stubs said, “PIRATE RAD.” Rad, indeed. I was apparently too conservative in my immediate review of Pirate Radio. W-Josh informs me that I grossly undersold it, and for that, I apologize. I just wasn’t sure if I liked it for the story and the acting and all that, or if I just liked all the incredible 60s rock it highlighted. I guess it turns out I liked both, and it would seem that this film appeals to a wider audience than just people like me who grew up on oldies and really like the ideas of sticking it to the man, coming of age, and unexpected but profound community.

I downloaded the soundtrack to this one as soon as I got home, and I will also purchase the DVD when it comes out. Whenever that is.

Get ready, kids, because I am here today to GIVE STUFF AWAY!! I don’t think I’ve ever really done this before, so I’m pretty excited about it, and if there are any companies out there that would like some free promotion, I’ll give your stuff away too. It makes me feel like a younger, thinner, prettier (yet just as jovial) Santa! Incidentally, I will also let you pay me to promote your products. You know, if you want. And if they’re not meat or porn.

Anyhoe, here we go!! There will be three contests. Here is the first one:

I have a pass that will admit two people to a sneak preview of the movie Legion at North Hills on Thursday, January 21 at 7:30 p.m. (but you should be able to get there early to make sure you get a seat). Here’s the trailer so you know what you’re playing for:

Okay! Now. This is a comment competition, and here’s how it works. This movie is about angels, but it’s not a musical, and y’all know how much I like a musical, so you’re going to think of as many songs as you can that have the words angel, angels or angelic in the lyrics.

• You MUST post your comments here on the website (www.onwardhoe.com), NOT on facebook.
• You may post as many comments as you want, but pace yourself. It’s sort of a last-one-standing kind of thing.
• You may only post ONE song per comment.
• You may not repeat a song that has already been posted, even if you post a different part of the song.
• You must post the title of the song as well as the lyrics containing the key words. If you can post a link to the lyrics to prove that it is an established song, all the better.
• Everyone, keep posting lyrics until no one can think of any more.
• When everyone’s out of songs, the last one to have commented wins the tickets.

GO!!!!!

I arrived in Zurich rather late and realized immediately that I’d forgotten that I don’t speak German. Not a bit. I don’t know how to say “train station” or “airport” or “hostel” or “help.” And yet there I was trying to figure out how to get from the airport to the main station so I could take the #7 tram to my hostel.

After much confusion and bewildered staring at the train ticket machine, a woman offered to help me. In English. I got a 24 hour ticket, which I didn’t really need, but it wasn’t that expensive. Shoot, it was probably cheaper than the one-way ticket from the Rome train station to the airport there, and I got to use it to get from the airport to the main station to the hostel, and then from the hostel back to the main station and to the airport again the next morning. That’s what I call a deal.

The hostel turned out to be super-nice. Probably the best hostel I’ve ever stayed in. It was clean, had good breakfast AND sheets included, and I had cute lil roommates – Pia, a German cook and Alice, an Australian wanderer who sounded exactly like Yosemite Sam when she talked in her sleep. About Paris Hilton. Good times. I didn’t sleep very well, but I figured that would actually work out in my favor. I’d be sleepy the next day, I’d nap on the plane, and then the jet lag wouldn’t be so bad.

On my way to the main station, I stopped off at one of the THREE H&Ms within about two blocks. I would have gone to all of them if I’d had time, but I was kind of pushing it as it was, so I just went to one.

I made it to the plane just in the nick of time and took my seat next to a bald girl who was listening to some world music with a very strong drum beat. Turns out, she was this chick, Gemini Award winner, Christine Ghawi. We hit it off immediately with a conversation about environmental responsibility. Then we realized that was a really serious conversation for two people who didn’t know each other’s names, so we introduced ourselves, and then we started flirting with this older gentleman flight attendant, who would later give us each a free cup of Chardonnay. I wish I could say he gave us glasses of Chardonnay, but he didn’t. We got plastic airplane cups, but the wine was good.

I didn’t sleep at all on the NINE-AND-A-HALF-HOUR FLIGHT to Washington. Not a wink. I yawned a lot. I felt tired. But I couldn’t sleep. So there went my master plan for beating jet lag. I did, however, get to watch 500 Days of Summer, The Time Traveler’s Wife and the tail end of Inglourious Basterds. I hadn’t seen the first two yet, so that was good, and the third is just good, so that was good too. I still can’t get over how amazing that guy was. I really hope he wins something.

Anyhoe, I got to DC, and after a ridiculously long customs line and a MAD HOUSE at baggage claim, I finally made it out of the airport, where Rachel had just arrived to pick me up. We spent a lovely weekend together, playing Legos with Annabelle and watching the new Disney movie (I liked it), and now I’m back in the airport. Ugh.

I’m not over the jet lag yet, and I’ve learned now that even though you go to sleep and wake up at normal times, that doesn’t mean you’re over it. However, I’m hopeful (with fingers crossed) that because I’m so tired, I’ll be able to sleep on the flight to Portland and beat the jet lag down. This plan sounds fatally familiar. Time to board.

And now for part two of Beth Trivia!! For those of you who participated either in the comments or privately, here are the answers to yesterday’s movie quote round:

1. A Mighty Wind
2. When Harry Met Sally
3. Moulin Rouge
4. Zoolander
5. Everything Is Illuminated
6. Once
7. Anchorman
8. The Sound of Music
9. Love Actually
10. Newsies

How did you do?

Now for a harder round. This is “Where was Beth when…?” Good luck, and no asking my mom.

1. Where did Beth do missions work for 2 summers?
2. Where was Beth for New Year’s this year?
3. Where did Beth grow up?  City, state
4. Where did Beth get her graduate degree?
5. Where did Beth work for two summers as a cafeteria worker?
6. Name one of the two cities in which Beth has spent the night in an airport.
7. What was the last restaurant Beth ate in before deciding to become vegan?
8. Where was Beth “the night the lights went out in Greenville?”  (**hint: Hurricane Floyd, restaurant)
9. Where was Beth when her mom went “BBLLLLLLEEEEAAAAHHHHH?”
10. Where is Beth going for 3 months?  Be specific.

Again, put your answers in the comments, and we’ll go over them tomorrow. Good luck!!

Well, the hard part of leaving is over. I had my going away party on Saturday night, and it was LOTS of fun. For me at least. I hope it was fun for everyone else as well. At the very least, there was a lot of delicious food, and we played “Beth Trivia,” which involved general Beth knowledge, a musical theater round, a movie quote round, and a ridiculous picture round.

Then, after church yesterday, Josh and Josh and I hit the road. They drove me up to Richmond, where my friend Rachel picked me up and took me back to her house in Manassas, where I’ll be until TOMORROW, when her husband takes me to the airport to fly to Zurich, where I’ll bum around for several hours before catching my final flight to Rome, where Carla and Joe will pick me up and drive me back to Naples, where I’ll be living until mid-December. Whew.

So with the packing and saying good-bye all finished, and being in northern Virginia without a car and no errands to run anyway and nothing to worry about except sleeping, I slept REALLY well last night for the first time in several nights. I intend to do it again tonight as well.

But enough of the boring stuff. For those of you who weren’t able to make it to the party on Saturday, I wanted to give you a chance to participate in Beth Trivia as well. We’ll do a round a day, which will get us through this week. NO GOOGLING ALLOWED, and if you were there on Saturday, please don’t give anything away. Put your answers in the comments, and I’ll give you the answers to today’s questions tomorrow.

We’ll start with the movie quote round. Please name the film from which each quote comes:

1. “Thank God for model trains. If it weren’t for model trains, they wouldn’t have gotten the idea for the big train.”
2. “I’ll have what she’s having.”
3. “All my life, you’ve made me believe I was only worth what someone would pay for me!!!”
4. “I’m pretty sure there’s more to life than just being really, really, really…ridiculously good-looking.”
5. “All the ladies want to be carnal with me because I’m such a premium dancer.”
6. “Fair City we love. We learn English from Fair City. Are you not PREGNANT?”
7. “Yeah, there was a horse, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.”
8. “FRAULEIN MARIA’S COME BACK FROM THE AAAABBEEEEEEEY!!!!”
9. “You ever have this kind of problem? Yeah, of course you did, you saucy minx.”
10. “Santa Fe
    Are you there?
    Do you swear you won’t forget me?
    If I found you would you let me come and stay?”

Ok GO!! One point for every correct answer. And remember, these are some of MY favorite movies, so keep that in mind.

What I am about to say will either enrage or encourage all my man readers. I hope it is the latter, but in either case, just stick with me.

As you may know, I’ve been working my way through the original James Bond films, and I’ve noticed something very interesting. The only article of clothing that ever seems to come off is Bond’s shirt, which is hardly conducive to all the sex we’re meant to believe he’s having. I’m told that in the books, you get a better idea of what’s going on when the lights go off, but that the particulars are still merely implied according to 1960s mores with regard to such things. This, even if it is simply cultural, is a fascinating writing choice that has allowed the films and their characters to stand the test of time so well.

My (possibly offensive) theory about Mr. Bond is that he never actually closed the deal with any of those Bond girls, with the exception, perhaps, of Ms. Moneypenny, with whom he was clearly engaging in all kinds of nastiness. It’s not that he couldn’t have had any of them. His charisma and dashing looks paired with the inevitable insecurities of all women is a recipe for a sexy time if ever I saw one.

No, it’s not for want of ability or even desire that I believe Bond never engaged in sexual relations with Honey, Tatiana, Pussy or the others. It’s just that he’s a good spy and knows how to work an asset (pun absolutely intended). James Bond knows that women want to feel desirable but not disposable. They want to be beautiful in his eyes, not objectified. They need to trust him if they’re going to be of any use to him, and he’s known enough women to know that trust is gained through gentlemanly behaviour, not brutish instinct.

This makes the writing quite genius because it appeals to both male and female audiences. The men get to see pretty girls bikinis and just assume that the bikinis come off after the scene ends. They get to assume that Bond is all the man they’ve ever dreamed of being in every respect, and their bubble is never burst. The women, on the other hand, get to swoon at the romance of it all, the chivalry, the adventure, the handsome man having his chest waxed. They get to see the moment Bond gets the girl, but then the scene ends, and a modern, feminist audience can still assume that no one was taken advantage of or hurt or given an STD.

We can also continue to hold out hope that one day Moneypenny will manage to tie him down.