I got my hair cut the other day, and it’s great, but of course I had to leave the salon and immediately come home to re-style it. So as soon as we can get our acts together, my friend Dre and I are going to make an internet video (I wanted to call it a “movie,” but that sounded dirty somehow) about how to style curly hair. AT THE SUGGESTION OF MY STYLIST. As she was styling she said, “I try so hard to make it look the way it looks when you do it, but I just can’t.” This is after she’s been working on it for like 30 minutes, twirling and drying each lock of hair INDIVIDUALLY. Y’all. Does anyone really think I twirl and dry every single one of my curls one by one? I mean, I guess that would explain why I go to bed so early. If I did that every day, I’d have to wake up by 4:00 or something equally painful (6:30). But no, here’s the thing: Naturally curly hair is just that. Naturally curly. You don’t have to convince it to curl or tell it which way to go. You just have to put something in it to make it curl in locks and not have every solitary strand of hair curling apart from the others. Here are some other lies I’ve heard about curly hair. Stylists, take note.

1. You shouldn’t layer curly hair. Um, can anyone say triangle head? Because that’s what happens when you DON’T layer curly hair. It gets all big and fluffy at the ends, and your head is triangular. Unless you have super-fine hair, not much of it and/or curls that are really not curls but waves. Then you can do whatever you want, but if you have curly hair that is approaching or below your chin, please, for the love of all things beautiful, get layers.
2. You shouldn’t shampoo curly hair because it strips the natural oils which are essential for maintaining moisture. Right. And you shouldn’t wash your hands in the winter because it dries out your skin. Gross. I shampoo every other day, and my stylist commented on how soft my hair was, so suck on that, “curly hair experts.” You probably don’t even have curly hair. There is nothing wrong with shampoo. You just have to condition like crazy. And I mean with some thick mayonnaisey stuff in the shower and then a leave-in afterward. But all this crap about “washing” your hair with conditioner? I tried it, and it was useless. Wash your hands, wash your body, wash your hair. Nobody gets hurt when we’re clean.
3. You can never use a hair dryer on curly hair. Malarkey. You should totally use a diffuser, and Dre and I will show you how in our video, but I’ve been using a dryer for ten years, and clearly my hair is awesome.
4. If you’re short on time, you can just style the top layer because that’s all people see. Excuse me? Yes, this is a real tip I found on the internet, which is how I know the internet is a liar. I, however, am a real person with curly hair, and I can tell you that if I did nothing to the underneath side of my head, you would notice. Great God Almighty, you would notice because the top layer of my hair would be a solid four inches higher off my head than usual. And also, it would look like rats had built a nest under the top layer of my hair.
5. Apply a quarter-sized amount of gel. HA! Ok, maybe this is the correct amount of product for very short or thin hair, but for me, it’s more like an egg-sized mound of gel. Yes, when you use that much, it’s going to make it crunchy. But if you don’t use that much, it doesn’t cover all your hair, and then you have frizzy sections. Plus, in the video, we will show you how to get rid of the crunch, leaving you with soft curls that stay in place.

That is all for now because I have a gajillion things on my to-do list, but I promise there is more to come, so stay tuned, and have a great holiday weekend!

Amaris turns 30 today, and in honor of that, I’d like to say (in the voice of the Wilkesboro Western Steer announcer), “Onward Hoe would like to wish Amaris Hames a very happy birthday. Happy birthday, Amaris.” We were up late last night working on several projects, this being one of them. She wanted to make a list of things she wished someone had told her before she turned 30, and since this happened last night, technically, I did tell her some of them before she turned 30. But then she went to bed before being able to put them to good use.

Anyhoe, it’s a good list, and since I came up with several of them, I’m boosting it from her blog and putting it here. Enjoy!

1.  Do not let the words of someone else determine your joy.  Amen.
2.  When you take the lid off a boiling pot of anything, that lid will drip on your toes.  And it will suck.
3.  There will come a time when doing simple things like closing the car door or walking downhill will make your body hurt.  Like a lot.  This time is coming soon.
4.  Take care of your skin. It really, REALLY matters. It will sag in places you didn’t think it would sag. And this is just the beginning.
5.  Invest in a good bra.  It will change your life.  Don’t be afraid to have a great sales woman feel you up to make it happen.
6.  There is no path that anyone SHOULD go down.  Anybody that tells you that is lying.  You have to figure out what YOUR story is.
Everyone’s story is different.
Everyone’s.
7.  However, there ARE some paths that no one should go down. Like, butt implants. Or cocaine.
8.  There will come a day when you are so excited to stay home on a Friday night.  Embrace it.  And stock up on Ben and Jerry’s.  Cuz’ you’s gawn need it.
9.  Learn the Tim Tam Slam.
10. You know a lot less than you think you do.  Don’t assume.  Ask more questions.
11. You know a lot more than you think you do.  Be confident.
12. Create.  As often as possible.
13. Figure out how to use who you are for the benefit of everyone.  Don’t be less of who you are because it inconveniences someone else.
14. Just because something is expensive doesn’t mean it’s better.
15. However, don’t be afraid to spend money on really good shoes.  They will make you much happier every day.
16. Be vulnerable with people who will love and care for you, not just dudes who act like they care so they can get into your drawers.
17. Keep a chocolate drawer to keep you sane.
18. Don’t iron your hair. It does not work like a flat iron.
19. If you’re not sure that it’s just going to be a fart, hold it in until you can get to a restroom.
20. Cancel memberships you no longer use.  Even if you think they’re going to end on their own, double check.
21. Be thoughtful and kind.  They’re more important than being important.
22. When you’re stressed out, puppies really do make everything better.  Go find one.
23. If you can’t find a puppy, The Three Amigos and mint-chocolate-chip ice cream will suffice.
24. Men at 30 have the potential to look DRASTICALLY different than they did at twenty.  You should be aware of this before you make any long-term decisions.
Drastically.
25. Don’t wait on somebody else to give you flowers.  Fill your home with them.
26. There will be a year in your early/mid-twenties that will TOTALLY suck.  But it will get better.  Promise.
27. Do NOT, under any circumstances, believe the following myths:
- You’re not grown up until you have children.
- You’re not married because you’re not “ready.”
- You’re not lovable if you don’t have a man in your life.
- If a boy doesn’t like you, you need to change.
- After you get married, you can’t travel any more.
- If you’re not married, you are alone.
- The older you get, the less likely you are to find someone.
28. It may require you to eat a lot of ramen later, but go. on. vacation.  Your soul needs it.
29. Don’t be lame and don’t be an asshole.
30. Dance it out.

I’ve never really liked the idea of New Year’s resolutions because they are so rarely kept, and really, why do we wait until January to make resolutions? Can’t we resolve to do things any time we want? I submit that we can. So in the spirit of bucking the system, I’m just going to continue doing things this year that I started last year and would like to continue. I also may very well make new resolutions mid-year. Just because I can.

So Simplify2011 will now be called Simplify2012, and it will comprise the following goals:

• Get rid of all the books on my small bookcase and half the books on my big bookcase.
• Get rid of half of the clothes in both my dresser and closet.
• No new home decor purchases. Anything new must be given to me or made from items I already own.
• Clean out desk drawers.
• Finish consolidating teaching materials into binders, and get rid of unnecessary bins.
• Get rid of anything in my bathroom I haven’t used in the past six months.

I’m also going to re-motivate myself to run, not because I’m resolving now to exercise more for exercise’s sake, but because DLF and I have been talking about running a 10k or half-marathon for almost a year now, and my butt ain’t in any kind of shape for that at the moment. Or my heart or lungs or knees for that matter. And since my body insists on getting sick EVERY November, thus putting me out of commission for at least a month, and since I just finished watching EVERY episode of Bones ever made, it is now time to get off the couch and start moving.

And to round things out, I want to continue exploring and developing a few things I started learning about myself last year. When I was preparing to go to Pennsylvania for that week with World Team, they had us take a lot of tests – Bible tests, spiritual gifts tests, personality tests, etc. And on one of the personality tests, I scored really low on the characteristic of dominance (a key leadership quality). And when I say “low,” I mean like really low. Like almost negative. But when we were there, it became really evident to me and everyone else that the test was way wrong. Like holy-crap-what-happened-here? wrong. So I started thinking back on my life, and I was able to pinpoint at least one incident wherein that quality was trained out of me. That kind of pissed me off and inspired this post. So now I’m re-learning who I am naturally and how to use my God-given qualities and abilities to benefit everyone.

Another thing I’ve been learning about myself is still kind of hard to explain, but I think Dr. Brennan (aka Bones) said it pretty well in one episode I watched recently. She’s explaining to Booth how she has changed since she met him, and she makes a distinction between a substance that is impervious and a substance that is strong. She tells him that an impervious substance doesn’t have to be strong because nothing can affect it, but a strong substance allows things in and out and therefore must be strong to survive. That is, of course, a tad too scientific for my liking, but it’s more or less how I feel. I want to be strong, but I also want to be softer. I want to invite people, wisdom, Jesus, love, and yes, even pain and failure into my life if they will make me stronger, wiser and more loving. This one is going to take more work than consolidating my teaching materials (which is saying a lot), but I think it’ll be worth it.

And as always, if you’d like to participate with me in any of these things, you are more than welcome. Especially the running. I’ma need a LOT of butt-kicking in that department.

A lot of things have come together today to form these thoughts, and while they’re not yet fully coherent, I wanted to share with you what I’ve got so far.

We are not polliwogs. Wait, you already knew that? That’s because you’re brilliant. But allow me to explain. We come into the world as fully formed human beings. We’re not born in some other form to become human beings later on. We grow and change, but that’s just the development of what we already are.

I won’t tell you what to believe, but I’ll tell you what I believe to be true, and that’s that we were created uniquely by God, which is pretty cool because that means that our “wiring” has already been created when we’re born. If you have kids (especially if you have more than one), you can attest to the fact that they are different from the get-go. I think about my friend Rachel’s two kiddos, and really, there was a big difference in them even during the two pregnancies. I’m not enough of an expert on that to go into any more detail, but I’m sure y’all have seen it for yourselves. So just think, God created you, not just your body, but your personality as well. He came up with the way you relate to the world around you, the ways you like to be loved, the ways you demonstrate love to others, the things that break your heart, the things that stir your soul.

My friend Carla is easily startled, and she told me once that her mother said that even when she was in the womb, when the creepy theme music of a crime drama TV show came on, she would wriggle around like crazy, making her poor mama very uncomfortable. And I don’t remember a time ever in my life that I didn’t love music. Maybe my mom can shed more light on that, but for as long as I can remember, it’s been my favorite thing.

I realize there are all kinds of scientific arguments you could make to explain these things, but I don’t think any of them negate the idea of a creator. In fact, I think they support it, but that is beside the point.

We’ve been created. We were born with the basics fully formed and only in need of development, yet we still allow ourselves to be re-created by things that are not our creator. We let the media tell us that our bodies were formed incorrectly and should be adjusted to adapt to society’s standard of beauty. We let our teachers tell us that if we don’t follow the right 5-paragraph formula, our way of communicating is wrong. We let boys tell us that if we were more like so-and-so, we’d be worthy of their adoration. We let a lack of curiosity in others create in us the sense that we’re not worth pursuing or being known. We let laziness in others tell us that we are too much (too fill-in-the-blank). We let men who don’t want to understand us tell us that we’re crazy. We let so many things tell us that we are in some way shameful.

But just like God asked Adam and Eve, “Who told you that you were naked?” (Genesis 3:11), he asks us, “Who told you that you were malformed/unacceptable/unworthy/not valuable/too much/crazy/shameful?” Why do we allow someone who is not our creator to tell us who we are? What do they know? And what gives them the right? Yes, Adam and Eve were naked, but Genesis 2:25 says they felt no shame about it. The shame was added later.

So what if you don’t look like Scarlett Johansson? It doesn’t matter. There’s no shame there. And say you’re really, really organized or boisterous or intense or tall or talkative or bold. Who told you those were bad things? I’ll tell you who: Jerks who were too lazy to find a way to use those things to benefit everyone, so they told you to be less of yourself to make things easier on them in that moment. And if you’re 30 years old and have never even held hands with a boy, it is not because you’re unlovable, unworthy, or in any way not completely special. Here’s who you are:

• a unique creation of God
• someone God knows and loves (yes, at the same time)
• someone Jesus died to set free

Y’all, don’t let anyone or anything in the world re-create you to be anyone other than who God made you to be. You are already loved, and that’s enough.

I don’t know how life works, really. I don’t know how you go from one phase into another, I don’t know how you raise kids, I don’t know how relationships are formed, grown, lost, rekindled, etc., and I don’t have a clue in the world what I’m doing most of the time. I just get up every day and tell myself to get in the shower. Then I make a mental note to call the rental office later and tell them my tub is stopped up again. Then I choose clothes to put on, sometimes with greater effort than other times. Then I put my makeup on the same way I’ve done it for the last fifteen years and try to do something with my hair that I don’t find boring even though I know that no one else in the world ever finds my hair boring. I do what I have predetermined that I will do each day, and if I haven’t predetermined anything, I’ll probably spend the day watching Bones on Netflix.

I don’t know how to date or get married or find out what goes on in the minds of men or really even how to love people well at all, and I know I screw it up on a daily basis, but I’m thankful for the grace my friends and family have shown me over the years as I’ve begun to at least want to figure it out. I don’t know how to proceed from here, but that’s ok because I’m thankful for my family and friends who are willing to walk with me even as I wander in circles. I don’t know where I’ll end up or how I’ll get there, but I’m thankful for companions along the journey.

There’s so much I don’t know. So much. And the learning curve of my life right now feels so steep. But I can’t help feeling thankful for all the people in my life who love me so completely, and I just want to encourage all of you just in case you feel clueless like me. You’re doing fine. Keep up the good work. And thank you.

My brain is not firing on all cylinders these days, so I apologize for the vagueness of this post. I don’t have complete, coherent thoughts or lessons learned or decisions made to share with you. This is where I am, so this is what you get. Thanks for loving me anyway.

Ok so now that everybody pretty much knows, I guess I can talk about it.

I might be moving to Europe. It’s weird to type it out into the world like that. So far, it’s just been discussed privately among a few close, trusted friends and people I knew would understand and be excited with me. Honestly, I have no idea what’s going to happen. I’ve been taking things one step at a time, and really, at any point, the whole process could just be over, and that would be it. We’ll see. But for now, we press on.

I’m applying to go with World Team either to Italy or Spain. This is the same organization I went to Italy with back in June, and so far, this process has been…quite thorough. It’s been very cool – I’m learning a lot about myself as I go – but it has also been taking up lots and lots of time that I might have otherwise spent blogging. Or (let’s be honest) watching every episode of Bones (again) on Netflix. The application alone was at least twelve typed pages, and then they sent me the personality tests, the spiritual gifts test and the Bible tests (one of which I told you I flunked miserably, the other I haven’t been brave enough to take yet).

Then they sent me the official invitation to join them for a week of information, evaluation and mutual assessment, and suddenly things got really real. First of all, I need about $700 to make it happen, which is the first real commitment I’ve had to make. Until now, it’s all been literally on paper. Just theoretical. Just a really, really amazing dream of a possibility. Just paella and/or pizza, European public transit, Romance languages and adventure abounding on every side. But when it hits your pocketbook, it hits home.

Then, speaking of home, I started thinking about all the things I’ll miss if I leave. Weddings, birthdays, family reunions, my godchildren growing like weeds, Baby Josh, maybe Moravian Sugar Cake in my PJs with my family on Christmas morning. I don’t know what I’ll miss and what I won’t, but I know I’m asking my family and friends to make as big a sacrifice as I’d be making in going.

But then I started thinking of all the things I’d miss if I didn’t go, namely the chance to do something awesome, something bigger than myself, something impossible, something I’ve felt compelled to do for the last seven years. I don’t know the details of what’s in store for me. I just know that if I don’t at least try, I’ll always regret it and wonder.

I think y’all would too. You know me. You know I’ve got this crazy pull toward Europe. I honestly think if I didn’t at least try to go, some of you would be disappointed. So I’m asking you to sacrifice with me, but also to share in the awesomeness, knowing that your letting go is fueling something incredible.

I didn’t intend to make this a fundraising post, so you can stop reading now if you want it to not be about money. But if you’re still with me, and you want to give a little bit to help me get to the assessment week, please contact me. Comment, call, email, text, smoke signals, carrier pigeon, dream invasion, note in study hall, whatever. But maybe don’t send me a pigeon. You know how I feel about birds.

Ok y’all, I have about a million things to do, and I’m supposed to be lesson planning right now according to the schedule I set for myself last night, but I HAVE to tell you about how I was STRONGLY reprimanded by a very sassy postal worker the other day.

Back story. A couple of weeks ago, I went up to the mailboxes as the mail male was doing his thing. I live in an apartment complex, so the mailboxes are the kind where one large panel opens up about 20 of them at a time. Our panel was open, and I asked him if I could just reach in and grab ours. He said that was no problem, so I took my mail and went on my merry way.

Ok now. The other day, I got to the mailboxes as the mail female was there doing her thing. I was on the phone with Amaris, and I didn’t want to have too much going on at once, so I didn’t say anything to the mail lady. I just went in for my mail.

She whipped around so fast you’d have thought I was stealing her baby, and with a horrified look on her face and a sassy neck swivel, she said to me, and I quote, “NO. Uh-uh. Step AWAY from the mailbox.”

Shocked, and trying not to laugh, I don’t know how long I stood there with my mouth open before I replied, “Oh. I’m sorry. The other guy let me just get my mail before, so I thought…”

But I was interrupted, this time with an accompanying finger waggle, “Huh-uh. Wrong answer. No. Mm-mm.” Seriously, she said, “Wrong answer.”

At this point, I really wanted to try for a grab-n-run, but I was afraid she’d taze me or something, so I went for a more docile approach. “Uhh…ok, can I give you this then?” I said, tentatively holding out my Netflix envelope.

“Yes,” she said, obviously using every bit of restraint she had to keep from saying or doing something that might get her in trouble, “but you need to leave now.”

Oh my gosh, y’all, ask Amaris. I was giggling uncontrollably all the way back to the car. I still can’t believe this happened. It absolutely made my day, but I still haven’t gotten my mail.

Amaris‘s brain doesn’t always work. I don’t know if she needs more sleep or if she’s got some kind of vitamin deficiency or what, but sometimes she just ain’t all there. I can say these things about her because she knows it, and I’ve said it to her (though she probably doesn’t remember), and well, she’s just not ashamed. She is who she is, and we love her.

Well, this morning, I got a tweet from her that I should go look at Mary’s feed because the content of one of her tweets was a direct result of me and my awesomeness. So I went, and I looked, and I did not get it. Then, as I thought more about her most recent tweet, a tiny, vague and very hazy memory began to creep ever-so-slowly and sneakily into the very back corner of my mind. It said, in part, “[my husband] is singing along to Billy Joel, which is just awesome.” And I thought, Did I turn Karl on to Billy Joel? That feels kind of familiar.

So I asked Amaris, and she told me this WHOLE long story about how I told Karl that any man who likes music should have a basic appreciation for Billy Joel, and how the women in his life, and maybe even his future wife, would love it if he liked Billy Joel, and on and on and on.

Y’all, I have no recollection of this whatsoever. So I told Amaris that if we don’t have husbands when we’re old, we need to just move on in together so we can try and help each other remember to put our teeth in and wear clothes when we leave the house. I don’t even care if they match. (Well, I want my teeth to match my mouth, so I hope I don’t put hers in, but as far as my clothes go, I’ll still be so urban that it won’t matter.) Clearly our mental capacities are already failing us, so now is the time to prepare.

So if any of y’all want to get in on this, let me know. We can buy a big ol’ house somewhere and form our own old folks home. Surely somebody will have a kid who’s a doctor who’ll come over and check on us once a week. We’ll hire a college kid to do all our grocery shopping, and when he/she comes over with our rations, we’ll say things that are totally inappropriate and unexpected for old people. We’ll play games in the back yard, but we’ll cheat, of course. We’ll go on early evening walks through the neighborhood, smiling and waving at all the families out playing in their yards. We’ll sit out on our porch on Sunday afternoons and wave at passing cars. We’ll always have candy in our pockets to give to the kids at church. We’ll have surprisingly good Halloween decorations. We’ll dance as much of a jig as our hips will allow when Christmas carolers come by. We’ll drink wine on the porch at 10 in the morning just because we can get away with it ’cause we’re old. And when we wake up at 3 in the morning because we went to bed at 7 the previous evening, we’ll take the opportunity afforded to us by the cover of darkness to go skinny dipping in the community pool.

Won’t you join us?

I mean dag, y’all. I suck at this. I’m sorry. Here’s what’s been happening.

I’ve been working. We’ve been in class for three weeks now, and my students are fabulous. As always, I love them to pieces. I’ve been having about 15 every day, and yesterday, at our 2nd registration (out of 3), I got EIGHT more. Holy crap. We literally had to change classrooms in the middle of class because we would not all physically fit into the room we were in. And the church where we have classes is doing some work on our two biggest classrooms, so those are currently out of commission. All I can say is God help the workmen to finish those rooms before the next registration, or I’ll be teaching in the sanctuary, and I’m pretty sure that would weird everyone out.

My afternoon classes have been having pretty decent attendance considering we’ve only had the 1st registration. I think they’ll pick up significantly next week with this new batch of students, and the slang/idioms/phrasal verbs class is FUN. It’s actually pretty hard work for the students, but I had them do some writing for me the other day, and they’re really getting it. I wish I had some samples to share with you, but alas, I gave them back already.

Oh! I do have a pretty amazing story for you, though. I was having dinner with some friends last night (old and new), and one of them was Italian. He’s here studying at NC State for a semester, and he was telling us about a mistake that he’s been making in English for the past month that no one bothered to correct him on until recently.

In Italian, you can ask someone for a favor by saying “per favore,” or you can ask someone more politely for a bigger favor by saying “per piacere,” which, literally translated, means “for pleasure.” So this guy has been asking people “politely” for “big favors” by saying, “Can I ask you a pleasure?” or, “Could you do me a pleasure?”

Well, his friends have just been letting him say this in coffee shops and gas stations all up and down the eastern seaboard, but to make the story even better, he gave us an example that was supposed to be completely innocuous, but he didn’t know that the thing he was requesting could also have another meaning. He wanted to convey that he’d been asking people for “pleasures” and then just ordering simple things in a coffee shop, but his example was, “Excuse me, could you do me a pleasure? Could you give me a muffin?”

Oh my, how we did laugh! And then we ate crepes.

I’ve been doing more things, but to tell you all of them in one post might be a tad overwhelming, so I’ll save them for another post (which I’ll go ahead and write and then set up to post itself next week some time so we don’t go this long again without having some sort of update). Ciao, y’all!

With the move all finished and the semester over, I now have a couple of weeks to relax, unpack, get organized, get things like internet set up, and prepare for next semester to start. I am proud to report that I’m making progress on all fronts.

Time Warner is coming next weekend to flip our internet switch, which seems a tad ridiculous to me. How hard can this be that we have to wait a week and a half for them to come and plug things in? I mean, we have our own modem and router. We know where the plugs are. The apartments were built long before the Interwebs were, but I’m sure we won’t be the first people to use them there. All they should really need to do is literally flip a switch or click a box or perform a simple tribal dance. Really it can’t be that complicated. But apparently what with it being the beginning of the month and all, enough people are having their internet/cable hooked up to completely book every technician Time Warner employs for every moment of every day until the 14th. But we do have an appointment that day, so we’re making progress.

The unpacking and organizing are going well too. Here is a very bad, cell phone picture to at least give you (Ana) an idea of what’s going on in there. 99% of the boxes are gone, and though I don’t have a picture of it, my room is also taking shape nicely.

On the relaxation front, today marks the second day in a row that I have not woken up in pain, I went to the POOL yesterday, and I’m headed to Asheville tomorrow to get my kayak on!! Well. I’m not sure we’re actually going to go kayaking. We might go white water rafting, or we might go funyaking, which, I know, sound like we’re going to have an awesome time vomiting, but a funyak (aka duck or ducky) is basically an inflatable kayak or one-person raft. In either vessel, I am certain a fun time will be had by all. And I’ll try not to get 2nd degree sun burns this year.

And finally, although I have not yet begun to write actual lesson plans, I did order several books yesterday with which to torture my poor students. Yippee! Hooray!! You might not be able to truly appreciate how satisfying this is unless you are a teacher, but if you are a teacher (especially an ESL teacher), I’m sure you’re jealous that I’m getting new books. Even if I did have to purchase them with my own money from half.com. Whatever. Last year, I discovered the joy and absolute magic of tax write-offs. My goal is to get my AGI into the negative. I think I’m getting close.

Y’all have a great weekend!