I got my hair cut the other day, and it’s great, but of course I had to leave the salon and immediately come home to re-style it. So as soon as we can get our acts together, my friend Dre and I are going to make an internet video (I wanted to call it a “movie,” but that sounded dirty somehow) about how to style curly hair. AT THE SUGGESTION OF MY STYLIST. As she was styling she said, “I try so hard to make it look the way it looks when you do it, but I just can’t.” This is after she’s been working on it for like 30 minutes, twirling and drying each lock of hair INDIVIDUALLY. Y’all. Does anyone really think I twirl and dry every single one of my curls one by one? I mean, I guess that would explain why I go to bed so early. If I did that every day, I’d have to wake up by 4:00 or something equally painful (6:30). But no, here’s the thing: Naturally curly hair is just that. Naturally curly. You don’t have to convince it to curl or tell it which way to go. You just have to put something in it to make it curl in locks and not have every solitary strand of hair curling apart from the others. Here are some other lies I’ve heard about curly hair. Stylists, take note.

1. You shouldn’t layer curly hair. Um, can anyone say triangle head? Because that’s what happens when you DON’T layer curly hair. It gets all big and fluffy at the ends, and your head is triangular. Unless you have super-fine hair, not much of it and/or curls that are really not curls but waves. Then you can do whatever you want, but if you have curly hair that is approaching or below your chin, please, for the love of all things beautiful, get layers.
2. You shouldn’t shampoo curly hair because it strips the natural oils which are essential for maintaining moisture. Right. And you shouldn’t wash your hands in the winter because it dries out your skin. Gross. I shampoo every other day, and my stylist commented on how soft my hair was, so suck on that, “curly hair experts.” You probably don’t even have curly hair. There is nothing wrong with shampoo. You just have to condition like crazy. And I mean with some thick mayonnaisey stuff in the shower and then a leave-in afterward. But all this crap about “washing” your hair with conditioner? I tried it, and it was useless. Wash your hands, wash your body, wash your hair. Nobody gets hurt when we’re clean.
3. You can never use a hair dryer on curly hair. Malarkey. You should totally use a diffuser, and Dre and I will show you how in our video, but I’ve been using a dryer for ten years, and clearly my hair is awesome.
4. If you’re short on time, you can just style the top layer because that’s all people see. Excuse me? Yes, this is a real tip I found on the internet, which is how I know the internet is a liar. I, however, am a real person with curly hair, and I can tell you that if I did nothing to the underneath side of my head, you would notice. Great God Almighty, you would notice because the top layer of my hair would be a solid four inches higher off my head than usual. And also, it would look like rats had built a nest under the top layer of my hair.
5. Apply a quarter-sized amount of gel. HA! Ok, maybe this is the correct amount of product for very short or thin hair, but for me, it’s more like an egg-sized mound of gel. Yes, when you use that much, it’s going to make it crunchy. But if you don’t use that much, it doesn’t cover all your hair, and then you have frizzy sections. Plus, in the video, we will show you how to get rid of the crunch, leaving you with soft curls that stay in place.

That is all for now because I have a gajillion things on my to-do list, but I promise there is more to come, so stay tuned, and have a great holiday weekend!

A couple of weeks ago, I told y’all I had succumbed to the boredom of being on vacation and to the persuasive prowess of Alyssa Milano and bought the Wen® Hair Care System by Chaz Dean. And having used it for a week now, I can tell you that it sucks. It might not suck for everybody, but I’m definitely returning it for a refund. Here’s the full review:

Pros

There were definitely a few things about it that I liked. First of all, the stuff smells amazing, and it does feel like it actually cleans your hair. I’ve read a lot of advice for girls with curly hair, and one of the biggest trends is “washing” your hair with conditioner, which is such a joke because that’s not what conditioner is designed for. It’s not surprising, then, that conditioner does a crappy job of cleansing your hair. Before I got the Wen®, I read one review that said it was essentially the same thing. I’m  here to tell you that it’s not. Conditioner doesn’t feel like it’s cleaning anything; Wen® does. And I did like only having to put one thing in my hair in the shower rather than shampooing, rinsing, conditioning, waiting and rinsing again. But that was about it for the pros.

Cons

I’ll just list these out bullet-style as they are numerous.

• In the shower, it feels like it’s very moisturizing, but once I rinsed the stuff out, my hair did not feel like it retained enough of the moisture to keep it on its best behavior. Here’s a little tip about curly hair: It needs a LOT of moisture to not go all frizzy, and the Wen® did not help me in that department, so as long as it was still wet, it looked ok, but as it dried, my hair just got bigger and bigger with the frizz.
• Furthermore, my scalp was extremely dry and flaky. If you are at all prone to dandruff or have any other, more serious scalp/skin problems, I would not recommend this product.
• The next problem is that I’ve only washed my hair FOUR times, and already half the bottle is gone. That means that in another week, the whole bottle will be gone, which means that what they call a month’s supply is really only two weeks’ supply, which means that what should cost $30 a month will actually cost $60 a month, which is just outrageous.
• AND the laughably tiny bottle of styling creme is long gone. I was being very conservative in my use of it, not using enough (and ending up with enormous horrible hair) or supplementing it with other products, and still, that bottle is empty after a week. Honestly, if I’d used the amount of it I needed each time, it would have been gone after the second use. I realize that I have a metric crap-ton of hair, and that I therefore use more styling product than most, but seriously, they give you a travel-size. That mess would barely get me through a weekend, much less a month.

Conclusion

In conclusion, I would NOT recommend Wen® if you have:

• a tight budget
• curly hair
• LOTS of hair
• thick hair
• extremely long hair
• dry hair/scalp
• dandruff
• psoriasis
• any other scalp irritation

It might be ok for you if you have:

• an unlimited budget
• short hair
• thin hair
• fine hair
• oily scalp

If you live in Raleigh and want to try it, I’ll pump you out a trial amount before I send it back. Let me know.

I know y’all thought that idle hands were the devil’s workshop or some variation thereof, and perhaps this is a variation of that, but I’m here to tell you that my idle hands do exactly two things:

1. Sign up for online dating services
2. Buy things from infomercials

Well, so far this vacation, I’ve managed to avoid the former, but I know it’s time to get my butt in gear and do something productive because I spent the morning watching infomercials and buying at least one product. Before you judge me, know that I did not buy the Genie Bra, tempting as it was at $14 a bra (though not quite as tempting in that you had to buy six of them to get that deal). AND I did not purchase the Ab Belt by Sport-Elec.

No, I bought the Wen® Healthy Hair Care System by Chaz Dean (brought to you by Guthy-Renker® all rights reserved). So you can look at it like I bought six products, or like I bought one hair care system. Either way, it was 30 bucks, and I thought, You know, I spend almost that much each month on hair gel alone. Not to mention shampoo, conditioner, intensive moisturizing conditioning mask, and leave-in conditioner. So I went for it.

If I were one of those girls who could just use White Rain shampoo and conditioner from Family Dollar and be done with it, then this would probably not be worth it. But as you all know, my hair is a bit more persnickety than that and requires a lot more doing than just a wash and blow-dry. Wen® claims that the cleansing conditioner will effectively replace my shampoo, conditioner, and leave-in conditioner, so that clears up some space in my bathroom. (Oh my gosh! I had not even thought of this as a strategic Simplify2011 move, but it totally could be if it works!) The Re-Moist Intensive Hair Repair Mask replaces my intensive moisturizing conditioning mask. And the Styling Créme is supposed to replace my gel. Y’all know I’m skeptical of that, but it’s worth a shot, right? If I’m not happy with it, I can return it within 60 days, and they will refund my purchase EVEN IF THE BOTTLES ARE EMPTY! AND I got some texturizing goo, a wide-toothed comb and a 30-day supply of vitamins for “free” (I didn’t have to pay extra for them, but you know ain’t nobody losin’ a profit on any of this stuff).

Sounds like a win-win (win-Wen®?) to me. I’ll let y’all know how it goes.

Dear Mr. Bon Jovi,

If you’ll indulge me for a moment, I’d like to tell you a story. In 1988, a 14-year-old girl from Wilkesboro, NC got the best Christmas present EVER – tickets to your February 17, 1989 show in Charlotte (I believe this was the New Jersey tour). This girl was not me, but having grown up in Wilkesboro, I can tell you that this was an extraordinarily stellar gift. We didn’t even have concerts in Wilkesboro until MerleFest started in 1988. MerleFest didn’t become really popular for several more years, and even then, it was Bluegrass. Now I’ve got nothing against Bluegrass, but let’s be honest. It’s no Bon Jovi.

So this girl was stoked to say the least. She already had New Jersey on heavy rotation, but she threw Slippery When Wet back into the mix just to make 100% sure that she knew ALL the words to every song. “Livin’ on a Prayer,” check. “You Give Love a Bad Name”  – yeah you do. “Wanted Dead or Alive” – She could sing it IN HER SLEEP. And the songs from the new album were quickly becoming new favorites. (I don’t know about her, but “Lay Your Hands on Me” is still one of my favorites.)

As the day of the concert approached, she got more and more excited, and then, without warning, winter happened. On the day of the concert she’d been looking forward to for over a month, a snow storm hit western North Carolina, and the girl’s parents couldn’t drive her the two hours to Charlotte for the show.

She was so crushed that her bangs deflated.

And I don’t know why – perhaps to remember what might have been, perhaps out of devotion to you, perhaps out of a bitter sentimentality, perhaps to present you with a desperate plea through her sister’s blog 22 years later  – she kept her ticket.

So here it is, JBJ. The girl lives in Raleigh now, and she would absolutely pee her pants with excitement to be able to see you in concert after all these years. Could you make it happen for her? She couldn’t go in 1989, but I’ve ridden with her through some pretty bad winter weather, and I can tell you that absolutely nothing would stop her from going this time…if only she had a ticket.

Come on, Jon. I bet I could even talk her into teasing up her hair real big for you just for old times’ sake.

What do you say?

Beth

Well, it’s been a very productive few days full of fun, friends, surprise visits and getting things done. Rock-o-Ween was a huge success. The only thing that didn’t happen the way I wanted was that my hair didn’t turn blond despite the fact that I left the dye on it for at least a full ten minutes longer than I was supposed to. Oh well. I think the costume worked anyway.

Yesterday was beautiful, and I got to hang out with two out-of-town friends. I also got a lot of work done and did my weekly grocery shopping. BOOM. Productive.

Today, I figured out how to change the light bulb in my headlights. I also got my oil changed and my tires rotated. Now I’m blogging. See? Productivity. But the big news is that L-Josh and I registered for the 1/2 marathon yesterday!!!

So the race is ours to run, and now we just have to prepare for it.

Hey, remember when I had y’all ask me all those questions on my Formspring page, and then I never answered them? Yeah, woopsie. I sort of forgot about that for a while, which I suppose is fine because some of you told me you didn’t really like my Q&A times anyway. However, I left several of you hanging with no answers to your questions, and for that, I sincerely apologize. I’m going to answer two questions today because I think they go together nicely. The first question is this:

If all your hair turned into snakes, what color snakes would you want them to be? Snakes can be multicolored if that helps.

And the second is:

Would you ever shave your head for any reason? (voluntarily)

I have actually thought before about shaving my head. Back in college, I started cutting my own hair, and it was so darn addictive that at one point, I thought, “What if I just shaved it all off? That would be SO much easier.” And then I realized I’d be bald if I did that, and I have no idea what my head looks like under all this hair, and what if it’s all malformed? And then the hair would grow back, and I’d have to decide to either maintain my baldness or let it go through that awkward growing-out phase where it’s too long to just let it do its thing but too short to do anything with. And what if it didn’t grow back curly? Oh that would just be terrible!

So in the end, I decided (a) not to shave it and (b) to stop cutting it myself. I’ve found that it’s far less tempting to cut your own hair when you have a decent style you’d rather not ruin.

Snakes, as it turns out, do not fall under the category of “decent style” in my mind. If they could be shaved off, that would be the way to go. However, if for some reason they could not be shaved off – if they were attached to my blood stream/supply, for example, and if shaving them off would mean me bleeding to death – then I’d want them to be pink. Hot pink.

Easy question.

I swear, y’all, time has sped up exponentially today. I don’t know what’s happening. The weekend felt all slow and lazy, which was amazing, and then this afternoon has flown by at warp speed, leaving me with MUCH to do and very little time, so here’s a quick rundown of what I was going to say more elaborately if I had more time:

1. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DLF!!!!!!!!!!! I’m SO glad I got to catch up with you today. I will try to make my life more interesting for next time. (Note to self: Travel the world. Make appointments with highly respected musicians and ambassadors. Also, find boyfriend asap.)
2. Dear WillyMac, I am very slow in my training, so although your math skillz are, I’m sure, quite good, I’m still on Week 4. I’m going to do it one more time before going to Week 5. Wish me luck.
3. I went running on Saturday. I hadn’t had enough water, and it sucked. My legs felt like lead. Lesson learned: Drink plenty of water before going running (and also, pee immediately before going).
4. To everyone who’s been concerned about my hair since Friday, it’s much better now. MUCH. It’s still settling into its groove (or whatever that thing is that hair does for the week or so after you get it cut), but I think the cut is respectable. We’ll just have to work on Dayle’s styling techniques.
5. L-Josh and I started working on our Halloween costumes. I can’t tell you what they are, but suffice it to say that they’re extremely awesome so far.

The end.

I know I have discussed before the many reasons I do not like to get my hair cut, but I don’t believe I mentioned this: I have yet to meet a stylist who can style my hair in such a way that my first priority upon leaving the salon is not to go home and re-do it. Some of them don’t do a bad job, but I just know that the product they use at the salon is no match for my hair, and that it won’t look good any more in the 20 minutes it will take me to drive home.

And then there are some who are just completely clueless. Here’s how I came home today:

Josh and I took several pictures, and this one came the closest to capturing the enormity of my luscious locks, but it still doesn’t quite get it. When I pulled up in our parking lot, she had just gotten home herself, and when she looked at me, it took her several minutes before she was able to stop laughing enough to get out of the car. Here’s how he styled it:

1. Shampoo/condition – Ok so far.
2. Apply a “curl activator” from roots to tip – Because that’s what makes it curl. Seriously, y’all. I don’t know how I’ve ever done without this stuff. I’d have stick-straight hair without it. Oh wait…
3. Scrunch in a styling “mud” – Ok. Let’s talk about this for a moment because that kind of stuff is not made for scrunching. It’s made for twirling or sculpting, but not scrunching.
4. Dry COMPLETELY with a diffuser – You do not dry curly hair completely, diffuser or not. Why? It does this.
5. Run hands through multiple times with an anti-frizz serum – By this point, an anti-frizz serum would just be cowering in the corner, helpless to do anything.

Those of you who have curly hair have been cringing at every step since step 2, and those with straight hair don’t quite understand what I’m talking about, but for anyone who’s interested, here’s how you do it.

1. Shampoo/condition
2. Apply leave-in conditioner
3. Apply styling product of your choice (gel, cream gel, mousse, pomade, whatever works for you). Run it all the way through all your hairs. Make sure they’re all covered. Then gather them all together so you have one big curl.
4. Now you can separate them. Take several 1/2-inch pieces of hair and twirl them around your finger to define the curls.
5. At this point, I scrunch in another little bit of gel.
6. If you want to blow-dry it a bit, do so with a diffuser. Don’t dry it all the way, though. Just do a little.
7. Now stop touching it. Don’t run your fingers through it. Don’t brush it. Don’t separate your curls. Just leave it. If it starts to dry all flat against your head, and you want more volume at the roots, flip your head over and shake it a few times. Don’t be all up in it with your hands.

Take it from me, guys. I know what I’m talking about.

To say that I’m “goal oriented” is a horrid, awful understatement. Without clearly defined, publicly documented goals and/or mortifying public consequences for not achieving said goals, I just sort of coast. The last time I really exercised was the Washington, D.C. Avon Walk. In 2008. I’m just not one of those people who likes to work out because of the health benefits or the endorphins or even the smaller dress size.

When Brookie and I were living together, we both wanted to lose weight. I lost 20 pounds, but only because if I didn’t, I would have to wear a bikini at our apartment complex’s pool. In front of boys. And disgustingly tiny 18-year-old girls. I need very strong incentives.

It’s not that I don’t know I need to work out, or that I want to watch my waistline become absorbed in a gelatinous blob of flesh. It’s just that those aren’t concrete enough reasons to get me to the gym. But lately, I’ve been feeling a little sluggish, and I know it’s time I got active again (even though I’d much rather sit on the couch watching an entire season of Bones).

So I guess Amaris just caught me on the right day (the day my brain fell out) when she tweeted:

considering starting training for a half marathon. who’s down???

This started a twittersation that went like this:

• Me: Can we start when it doesn’t feel like we live on the sun?
• Amaris: oh, definitely. deeeeeeeeefinitely.
• Me: Can skipping and spastic dancing be part of the training?
• Amaris: girl…YES.
• Me: Can we celebrate each attained goal with cookies?
• Amaris: YES!
• Me: Can we run it somewhere awesome and make it a vacation too?
• Amaris: like new york? orrrrrr hmmm…seattle?!! San Diego?? puerto rico? i vote the last one. we can, um, “practice” espanol.
• Amaris: so what all did I promise again? Colder temp, cookie incentives, skipping/spastic dancing…anythi OH! And Puerto Rico. That all?
• Me: That’ll do it!

Soooo…Amaris and I are going to go to New Orleans in February and run a half marathon. The way we decided on The Big Easy is that we figured a city called The Big Easy would make running 13.1 miles not as agonizing. No, that’s not how it happened.

First of all, I’ve never been there, so that was an immediate draw. In February, they’ll be getting all hyped up about Mardi Gras (even though it’s not until March 8), so that’ll be lots of fun. Plus, we can make rockin’ green, purple and black running outfits and wear sparkly gold afro wigs for the run! Aaaaand (this is the best part) it’s a Rock-n-Roll Marathon, which means that bands will be set up all along the way to play us on to the finish line. That beats the Avon Walk hands down (Remember how we had to walk up that hellishly long hill past the water treatment plant between miles 18 and 21? Yeah, not inspiring).

So there you have it. We’re still working on our training plan, but I think mine is going to involve some sensual fitness, I know we’re both looking forward to Zumba classes, and of course, we’ll have to jog (except we’ll pronounce it “yog”). If you want to join us, I’ll make you a sweet running skirt too, and you can help us with the choreography for every time we pass a band!

Orrrrrr, you could just come down with us, hang out in the French Quarter, and cheer us on as we pass. We’ll give you a stiff five and a shimmy!

Well good golly, I had completely forgotten about my formspring page until I was notified earlier today that someone had asked me a question. And let me just tell you, it’s a doozy. We have to get through several more, however, before that one can have its turn. So let’s start where we left off, shall we?

We all know the moon is not made of green cheese, but what if it was made of spare ribs? Would you eat it then? Heck, I know I would – I’d have seconds and then wash it down with a nice, cool Budweiser.

Well, Harry Caray, it appears as though you’ve forgotten at least one thing about me, and that is that I don’t eat spare ribs. I wouldn’t eat green cheese either, and as I’m sure you are well aware, I don’t like beer. If you were not aware of that, now you are. I also don’t like coffee.

Now let me ask you a question. Would you rather be the top scientist in your field or have mad cow disease?

The next “question” isn’t really question at all. In fact, I’m not sure it’s even a complete thought. It just says:

your first

I’ll be honest. I’m not really sure what you’re going for here, and I really don’t remember a lot of my firsts, but I’ll make a list and hope it meets with your approval. Let’s go with alphabetical, yeah?

My first…

• apartment – Junior year of college in an apartment complex called Pirate’s Cove. Becky, Faith and Nicole were my roommates. Ask me how I damaged the coffee table.
• boyfriend – Brandon Inscore. We dated for about a year in high school, and we absolutely were NOT making out at the bottom of the stairs after the prom in ’97 when my mom snarled at us.
  
• car – A light blue Toyota Corolla named Gloria the Disco Queen. Yes, that was her whole name.
• date – With Brandon. I’m pretty sure we went to Wendy’s and a high school basketball game. Tres romantique!
• email address – besufern@aol.com. Don’t try it. It no longer exists.
• friend – I don’t know. Probably someone at church? There’s a great picture somewhere of me and 3 other kids in our 3-year-old Sunday school class. I went to 2 of their weddings in the past few years, and I go to all of the other one’s concerts when I can.
• gynecologist visit – Don’t worry, guys, I won’t gross you out. I’ll just say that when she asked me what sort of contraception I was using, I told her abstinence. She asked me how long I thought that would last, and I said, “Until I get married.” She laughed at me and said, “Yeah we’ll see about that.”
• hair color experience – I started out with the temporary stuff, back when they still made level 1 color that would wash out in a week. I’ve dyed it so many times now, I don’t remember the first one. But it was probably red, and Jeani was probably involved.
• iPod – I bought it in NYC, in the SoHo Apple Store, just before I ran off to Europe for the first time, in 2004. I just bought my second one last summer.
• job – If babysitting counts, then that’s what it was. But if we’re talking about work for which I was paid and then later received a W-2, then that would be Caswell.
• knitting project – My grandmother taught me to knit when I was a kid. I have no idea how to start or finish a knitting project, but I can actually work those needles. In fact, in middle school, I played Beth in a drama class production of Little Women. In one scene, I sat by the fire, knitting. People were amazed by how real it looked. But alas, I don’t think I’ve ever actually finished a knitting project.
• lemonade stand – I think it was with Rebecca Booi. Her house was in a great spot, right at an intersection.
  
• musical – When I was in maybe 4th grade, my sisters and I got the soundtrack of The Phantom of the Opera on double cassette tape. We LOVED it, and the next year, we all went to New York for Thanksgiving and saw it on Broadway. So to all of you who have been (and will be) subjected to my random musical outbursts, you can thank my parents for getting me hooked early.
• NYC apartment – It was graduate housing, which meant a shared studio with a Taiwanese Canadian named Lily Lu. It was in an unbelievably amazing location that made taxi drivers jealous, but I’m still paying for it.
• origami – It might not have been my first, but I made literally hundreds of paper cranes in high school. What? I was the president of the Japanese club.
• pet – I had a fish in high school named Chip. He was more than just decoration to me.
• quadratic equation mnemonic device – It was to the tune of Frère Jacques and went like this: Minus b, minus b / plus or minus root, plus or minus root / b squared minus 4 ac, b squared minus 4 ac / over 2 a, over 2 a. BAM. Still got it. I have no idea what you use the quadratic equation for any more, but that’s how it goes. Music, check. Math, not so much.
• rifle – No, I’ve never owned a rifle, but I sho nuff did learn to shoot one at Camp Cheerio when I was 10 years old. That was perhaps the unsung verse of the Cheerio Girl song (get me to sing it for you some time).
• second language – I have a really vague memory of taking French classes when I was very young. Did I just make that up? Specifically, I remember a “cultural lesson” wherein we were expected to eat escargot, and I almost vomited.
• trip outside of the U.S. and its territories – Honduras, 2002
• UFO sighting – I’ve never actually seen one, but one Christmas at my grandparents’ house, we could have sworn Santa was on the roof with aliens, burping.
• vote – I know several people who will be very upset with me for this, but I had never voted until the most recent presidential election. I plan on voting from now on, though.
• wedding – Not MY first wedding, of course, but the first one I attended. And I have no idea. Someone in the family? An aunt and uncle, perhaps?
• xylophone? – It is very late, and these letters are getting harder. I remember having one of those rolling xylophones as a kid with the mallet underneath that see-sawed as you pulled it, striking the same two bars over and over again. I learned to play “Do-Re-Mi” on that thing.
• YouTube video – Has not yet been made, I told you. Sheesh. Give it a rest already.
• Zumba class – Also has sadly not yet happened. But it will. Oh…it will.

Well that was fun! And exhausting. I’m going to bed. Join me again tomorrow for more blogging fun!