Potty Talk

Posted by beth on April 27, 2010

Today’s question comes from “A Fan in South Cackalacky,” who is surprisingly NOT my mother. I know! I have two fans in the S.C. This fan asks:

How do you feel about self-flushing toilets- especially the really sensitive-to-light-and/or movement ones that flush randomly?

I have several feelings about these toilets, mostly negative. I’d like to say that any toilet I don’t have to touch with my hands is ok by me. But the problem with these crappers is that, like you said, they flush randomly. So let’s say you have to poop. Now, normally what I would do is poop, flush, wipe, flush because hey, we’re in public. And I’m at least that courteous. But with the auto-pots, you get the random flush mid-poop, and then you can’t MAKE it flush when you’re done. You have to sit there, trying to hold the smell in with your upper thighs and butt cheeks until the toilet has decided that it’s ready to flush again. And then it attacks you.

Now. Bidets are weird enough as it is, but when the water shooting up at your butt contains matter that just emerged from your butt and residual matter from a bazillion strangers’ butts, well that just makes me want to vomit. I know some of you are going to tell me not to sit on the pot, Why are you sitting on public toilets? DON’T YOU KNOW YOU COULD GET HERPES?!?!

A) Calm down. I’m not going to get herpes.
B) Don’t you watch Oprah? Or Dr. Oz? Or Tyra? There’s more disgusting stuff on your steering wheel than on a public toilet seat.
C) I’m a sitzpinkel. I might be a wuss, but I’m comfortable when I pee.
D) If you poop standing over a toilet, you’re going to get splashed. You’ve got a better shot at standing up real quick when the thing starts flushing than you do at escaping your own backsplash.

My other major issue with the auto-flushers is that they often spray the seat, so when you go into the stall, the seat’s all wet, and you don’t know if it’s just splash from the power flush, or if the person before you lost their balance. If we could get these things to flush based on the weight inside them, spray a burst of air freshener with each flush, and then wipe their own seats clean, I’d be all over that.

They probably have that sort of thing in Japan.

Now it’s your turn. How do you feel about self-flushing toilets?