Picture This…

I’m standing in line at Duane Reade. I’m tired. I’m carrying a fake plant and curtain rods that my new roomie had just bought at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I also have my leftovers from Sammy’s (my Asian noodle daddy), and the line at DR is long. HOWEVER, in front of me is the most entertaining person ALIVE! Let me just try to capture it for you. Imagine with me if you will…

80’s rocker. Think about the Wedding Singer when they’re on the airplane and Billy Idol is there, and they’ve tried to make him up to look like he did back in ’85, but the movie was obviously made 15 years later and Billy’s not exactly a spring chicken any more. Take off the make-up so he looks like he does for real. Then add 10 more years. THEN add an 80’s rocker stringy MULLET…blonde of course. Ok, there’s the top part. Traveling on down, he’s wearing a black leather vest (no shirt) that has a giant black widow spyder (for this guy, I feel it should be spelled with a “y”) covering the whole back of it. On his left arm, he has 2 tattoos. One says “NO Fun” while the other wraps around his arm a few times and just says over and over “Let it go Let it go Let it go” in black and red cursive. Around his wrist, there are about 10 metal bracelets, many of which are quite spiky. On his right arm, he has a couple of tattoos as well. The only one I got a really good view of was a star, and inside the star, it said, “STAR.” Classic. He also has about 10 metal (some spiky) bracelets on that wrist. Mind you, this guy isn’t the beefiest of boys. He’s pretty scrawny. I think I could’ve taken him.

Moving right along down…TIGHT black jeans. They were definitely customized, however, with pink stitching and various inserts and patches made of different kinds of fabrics/patterns (leopard being a prominent one). I apologize for not taking better notice of his shoes. I don’t think there was anything very noteworthy about them. I’m pretty sure they were black. Oh- he also carries a bag that has a chain for a strap.

Now, bad-middle-aged-burnt-out-80’s-rocker-man is purchasing but one thing this evening at our local drug store. Any guesses?

Trojans. A big ol’ Sam’s club/Costco-buy-it-in-bulk package of prophylactics. EWWW!!! Ew Ew EW! Man…if there’s somebody out there who’ll do it with him, ANYTHING is possible. I might even find myself a gentleman who can shag (no remarks, Texan, it’s a dance) and will propose to me at the Cloisters.