Online Dating Lesson #1: Making the Introduction

Posted by beth on June 1, 2009

Well, since the Italian Lesson posts don’t seem to be very interesting to anyone (myself included), and the online dating posts are quite popular, and since I want to meet the needs of my readership, I’m going to hold off on the Italian Lessons until I start learning to say more entertaining things. So when, by necessity, I learn to say, “Back off, Guido, or I’ll punch you in the nuts,” I assure you that you will be the first to know.

Until then, however, let’s talk about guys.

I wrote an article that appeared in last month’s A Time to Love magazine about ways to improve your online dating profile. In it, I said, “First impressions are everything and, in the online dating world, you have a priceless opportunity to make a good one without worrying that you have a big chunk of spinach stuck in your teeth.” The article goes on to discuss how your profile can make a good impression and things you might be doing that actually make you look like an idiot or a total douche bag. It’s good stuff, and you should read it.

But what if you contact someone before they see your profile? In that case, the first message you send is what makes the first impression. This seems a fairly simple thing to me. You’ve read the other person’s profile, and you’ve found something likable or intriguing about him/her, so you decide to send a message. You’d think people would take this opportunity to comment on whatever it was they liked about you, ask you some questions for more information, maybe tell you a little about themselves, and give you something to respond to if you’d like to continue the conversation. But all too often, this is what I get (Note: These are actual copied/pasted messages I’ve received, subject lines and all):

Subject: Hello
Message:
Hello.

Or…

Subject: hello
Message:
how are you? how’s your day going?

Those putting forth slightly more effort might give me this:

Subject: hello
Message:
hey…. great profile. very nice pics!
how are you?

Or this…

Subject: hello
Message:
good lord you are absolutely gorgeous and i wanted to say hi. i was wondering if i could interest you in a very sweet loving guy?

Flattery will get you nowhere, friends. Well, maybe a little ways, but only if it’s accompanied by capitalization and a genuine interest in something other than my obvious and undeniable beauty.

Ok, so let me just break it down for you. A good introductory email to an online prospect will include:

1. An introduction – At least a name. A signature at the bottom. Anything. Come on now.
2. A reason why you chose to email me. This can be combined/one in the same with…
3. A conversation starter – We’ll call it a “ping,” for it is to be followed by my “pong.” Now, don’t go thinking that “How are you?” is acceptable. Try to think of something more open-ended and interesting than that. Something that indicates you actually read and comprehended my profile, and that you might be able to hold an intelligent conversation with me about something contained therein.
4. A level of writing skill comparable to that of a high school graduate. I don’t care how you do it. Pay a ghost writer for all I care, but don’t expect a response from me without it.

Join us next week for “Online Dating Lesson #2: Writin’ a Sister Back.”