Today, I have a story for you. Rather than answering a question, it’s a story about a question I was asked yesterday. I was on the phone with DLF on my way to work, and sort of out of nowhere, she asked me, “Have you ever taught drunk?”
Now let’s take a break from the actual question for a second so I can tell you that I thought she said, “Have you ever talked drunk?” And I thought THAT was a bizarre question because it assumes that I either always drink alone and therefore never speak to anyone else, or that if I get drunk at a party, I suddenly become extremely shy and reticent. Or perhaps she thought both of those things were true, which is just really weird if you know me. Or if you know any people for that matter.
So I said, “What?” And she repeated herself. And then the question was not quite as strange, but almost, and it took me a second to register what she was asking me exactly and to respond with curiosity and perhaps a hint of incredulity, “No? Have you?”
DLF teaches piano, cello and music theory, see, and she went on to tell me about how she was trying to teach this kid how to play with a metronome, and he just couldn’t get it, and she started thinking about how much easier and/or more bearable it would be if she were drunk. So we talked about the possibility for a while – logistics and such. I said I couldn’t really do it because I have to drive half an hour to work, so I’d either have to take my liquor with me, arrive early, and chug it down, or I’d have to drive there while intoxicated. And even if I went early, got drunk, and then taught, we’d still have to deal with getting home. I mean, maintenance is going to want to lock up, so I can’t really stay there until I’m sober. I suppose I could sit in my car for a while, but really, this could only go on for so long before I’d get arrested, so I think that at this point, teaching drunk is not an option for me.
She was saying that on Mondays, she doesn’t drive that much, so she could probably do it on Mondays.
Then I started thinking that you couldn’t just get drunk, and then teach. Because an 8-year-old who can’t figure out a beat is sure to be a buzz-kill, so you’d need a steady flow of alcohol throughout the lesson. I said, “Yeah, you could just keep a glass of vodka there and sip on it. It would just look like water,” to which SHE replied, “Yeah, I mean I was sipping on a Diet Coke the other day, and I thought, You know, there’s no reason why this shouldn’t have rum in it.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said. “Now we’ve gone from ‘Here’s a funny idea’ to ‘I’m legitimately considering it’ to ‘How can I make this happen?’ to ‘It’s only logical.’ OF COURSE this Diet Coke should have rum in it. There’s NO REASON why it shouldn’t. It is the thing that makes sense in my mind.”
I pointed out to her that if she’d been having the conversation with most other people, they’d start making arrangements for an intervention as soon as they hung up the phone. We laughed, but just a word to the wise. If you live in northern Florida, I’d stay off the roads on Mondays if I were you.