Happy Birthday Amaris!

Posted by beth on January 5, 2010

On account of it’s her birthday today, and in honor of that fact, I’d like to share with you all this email that my friend Amaris received long, long ago on this dating site that I think her mom signed her up for. Not sure about all the details there, but maybe one of them will enlighten us. Anyhoe, I think you’ll enjoy it. I sure have. It’s been in my inbox since June of last year, and I do not know how long she’d been enjoying before she let me in on the fun, but I think it’s high time you all got to meet RELSKYDADDY!! He writes:

Hi Sexy BabyDoll,

Yes You Are A Very Sexy Classy Beautiful Woman, and Your Profile Shows It!

I Think Southern Women, Are The Most Beautiful Classy Women, In The World!

Yes You Are A Very Beautiful Classy Woman, Doll!

I Would Love The Opportunity To Be Your Friend?

I Just Hope You Are For Real and Not A Game Player or Just A Teaser Period!

You Sound Like A Fun Sexy Classy Woman To Know and Be With?

Would Love To See More Photos, If Possible?

If You Would Like To Take The Chance, and Get To Know A Fun Sexy Classy Guy?

Let’s Chat? Send Me A Message?

You Got The Real Deal and No In Between, TRICK or TREAT, and You Be Too! Ha Ha Ha

SweetDreams BabyDoll

You Have:

” THE REAL TRUE AIRBORNE GANGSTER ”

SKYDADDY

I have so many things to say about this, I don’t even know where to start. I guess the most obvious thing is that every line is a self-contained title of some sort, with the capitalization of every word and the blatant refusal to type more than one sentence per line. I also like how everything is either an exclamation or a question. This guy does not mess around with simple imperative or assertive sentences. He’s all about him some interrogatives, though, even when they don’t seem to make much sense? They look like regular ol’ sentences? But then they have a question mark at the end? I’m Ron Burgundy?

My next favorite thing about this email is the words that are obviously his favorites: Classy, Beautiful, Sexy, Doll, Fun. He uses them to describe both her and himself, which to me shows that they are clearly a perfect match. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why she didn’t go for this guy.

Next up on my list of reasons I love RELSKYDADDY is his use of random and nonsensical word combinations:

• Teaser Period – Ok. He’s proven his ability to use commas (albeit incorrectly) in the lines, “I Think Southern Women, Are The Most Beautiful Classy Women, In The World!” and “Would Love To See More Photos, If Possible?” But in this case, he doesn’t use one, which indicates to me that a Teaser Period means something totally different from a Teaser, Period. Now, I have my own ideas about what a Teaser Period might be, but I’m not sure that’s what RELSKYDADDY has in mind. Curious.
• Man. At the end there, he totally loses it. I think this is my favorite line of all: “You Got The Real Deal and No In Between, TRICK or TREAT, and You Be Too! Ha Ha Ha” It’s just downright maniacal. I don’t think this message was composed anywhere near Halloween, so the TRICK or TREAT part is totally lost on me, not to mention the “and You Be Too!” part, which leads me to believe that the man fell in the middle of typing this line, hit his head, and couldn’t think straight enough to finish it out completely.

Here’s to you, REAL TRUE AIRBORNE GANGSTER. And here’s to you, Amaris. Happy birthday.