I had never heard of Haywire until going to see it was suggested as a possible activity for last night, so I watched the trailer. And while skeptical because it starred Channing Tatum, I thought it had potential. I thought it would be like the girl version of a Bourne movie. Rock on! Girls kicking ass! Feminism!

But y’all. It sucked. It was so bad. I like action movies in general, but this was the most boring action movie I’ve ever seen. In trying to be positive, Will described it as being “matter of fact.” Hello, bad guy. We fight now. I win. You die. But I just thought it was terrible. The dialogue was dry and flatly delivered, none of the characters were likable or interesting, and the way the story was told was confusing, but not compelling enough to make you want to figure it out. And in the end, the story really wasn’t that complicated or unpredictable. It was just told in a very odd way. It was like they were trying REALLY hard to make it thrilling and twisty and intellectual, but I was just distracted the whole time by how hard they’d worked to make the main girl look pretty.

And it’s not that she wasn’t pretty. She definitely was. But she was unrealistically put-together at all times. The whole story is supposed to have taken place in just over a week, and in that time, while traveling to at least four cities in three different countries, killing bad guys, fighting for her life and trying to clear her name, she finds time to get a stylish new haircut and then have that haircut braided in cornrows? Please. What, did she have somebody do it on the plane?

Save your money on this one, y’all. Go see The Muppets again if you must go to the movies. It’s totally worth it. Or come over to my place, and we’ll watch an old Bond movie. They’re cheesy, but they’re entertaining.

Um, I’d just like to point out that we are already through almost 1/12 of 2012. What? Where has this month gone?! Oh right, lesson planning, old episodes of Wings on Netflix, and Words with Friends. And about 50 cups of hot chocolate. I’m having one now as a matter of fact, but I made it with water instead of almond milk because it has less sugar that way, and I want to be asleep by 10 tonight because tomorrow’s a hair washing day. And that, friends, is my life.

I know I said I wasn’t going to make any New Year’s resolutions, but I do want to do a few slightly more exciting things with the next eleven twelfths of the year. But we’ll just call these whatever the annual equivalent of a bucket list would be. Is there a word for that? “Goals” doesn’t seem exciting enough. It’s too corporate, too type A, too…predictable for me.

The Awesomeness Conspiracy

In the pursuit of awesomeness in 2012, I will:

• make videos for the interwebs
• surprise people
• surprise myself
• not be afraid to fail
• go swimming
• flee the country
• make crafty things
• salsa dance
• send real mail
• party like it’s 1999
• stay up past midnight (but not on school nights)
• make rockin’ playlists
• not beat myself up over not finishing the crafty things I started
• frolic in parks
• sing karaoke like nobody’s business
• be grateful
• be sneaky
• tell people how great they are
• go to New York

Word.

I got my hair cut the other day, and it’s great, but of course I had to leave the salon and immediately come home to re-style it. So as soon as we can get our acts together, my friend Dre and I are going to make an internet video (I wanted to call it a “movie,” but that sounded dirty somehow) about how to style curly hair. AT THE SUGGESTION OF MY STYLIST. As she was styling she said, “I try so hard to make it look the way it looks when you do it, but I just can’t.” This is after she’s been working on it for like 30 minutes, twirling and drying each lock of hair INDIVIDUALLY. Y’all. Does anyone really think I twirl and dry every single one of my curls one by one? I mean, I guess that would explain why I go to bed so early. If I did that every day, I’d have to wake up by 4:00 or something equally painful (6:30). But no, here’s the thing: Naturally curly hair is just that. Naturally curly. You don’t have to convince it to curl or tell it which way to go. You just have to put something in it to make it curl in locks and not have every solitary strand of hair curling apart from the others. Here are some other lies I’ve heard about curly hair. Stylists, take note.

1. You shouldn’t layer curly hair. Um, can anyone say triangle head? Because that’s what happens when you DON’T layer curly hair. It gets all big and fluffy at the ends, and your head is triangular. Unless you have super-fine hair, not much of it and/or curls that are really not curls but waves. Then you can do whatever you want, but if you have curly hair that is approaching or below your chin, please, for the love of all things beautiful, get layers.
2. You shouldn’t shampoo curly hair because it strips the natural oils which are essential for maintaining moisture. Right. And you shouldn’t wash your hands in the winter because it dries out your skin. Gross. I shampoo every other day, and my stylist commented on how soft my hair was, so suck on that, “curly hair experts.” You probably don’t even have curly hair. There is nothing wrong with shampoo. You just have to condition like crazy. And I mean with some thick mayonnaisey stuff in the shower and then a leave-in afterward. But all this crap about “washing” your hair with conditioner? I tried it, and it was useless. Wash your hands, wash your body, wash your hair. Nobody gets hurt when we’re clean.
3. You can never use a hair dryer on curly hair. Malarkey. You should totally use a diffuser, and Dre and I will show you how in our video, but I’ve been using a dryer for ten years, and clearly my hair is awesome.
4. If you’re short on time, you can just style the top layer because that’s all people see. Excuse me? Yes, this is a real tip I found on the internet, which is how I know the internet is a liar. I, however, am a real person with curly hair, and I can tell you that if I did nothing to the underneath side of my head, you would notice. Great God Almighty, you would notice because the top layer of my hair would be a solid four inches higher off my head than usual. And also, it would look like rats had built a nest under the top layer of my hair.
5. Apply a quarter-sized amount of gel. HA! Ok, maybe this is the correct amount of product for very short or thin hair, but for me, it’s more like an egg-sized mound of gel. Yes, when you use that much, it’s going to make it crunchy. But if you don’t use that much, it doesn’t cover all your hair, and then you have frizzy sections. Plus, in the video, we will show you how to get rid of the crunch, leaving you with soft curls that stay in place.

That is all for now because I have a gajillion things on my to-do list, but I promise there is more to come, so stay tuned, and have a great holiday weekend!

Amaris turns 30 today, and in honor of that, I’d like to say (in the voice of the Wilkesboro Western Steer announcer), “Onward Hoe would like to wish Amaris Hames a very happy birthday. Happy birthday, Amaris.” We were up late last night working on several projects, this being one of them. She wanted to make a list of things she wished someone had told her before she turned 30, and since this happened last night, technically, I did tell her some of them before she turned 30. But then she went to bed before being able to put them to good use.

Anyhoe, it’s a good list, and since I came up with several of them, I’m boosting it from her blog and putting it here. Enjoy!

1.  Do not let the words of someone else determine your joy.  Amen.
2.  When you take the lid off a boiling pot of anything, that lid will drip on your toes.  And it will suck.
3.  There will come a time when doing simple things like closing the car door or walking downhill will make your body hurt.  Like a lot.  This time is coming soon.
4.  Take care of your skin. It really, REALLY matters. It will sag in places you didn’t think it would sag. And this is just the beginning.
5.  Invest in a good bra.  It will change your life.  Don’t be afraid to have a great sales woman feel you up to make it happen.
6.  There is no path that anyone SHOULD go down.  Anybody that tells you that is lying.  You have to figure out what YOUR story is.
Everyone’s story is different.
Everyone’s.
7.  However, there ARE some paths that no one should go down. Like, butt implants. Or cocaine.
8.  There will come a day when you are so excited to stay home on a Friday night.  Embrace it.  And stock up on Ben and Jerry’s.  Cuz’ you’s gawn need it.
9.  Learn the Tim Tam Slam.
10. You know a lot less than you think you do.  Don’t assume.  Ask more questions.
11. You know a lot more than you think you do.  Be confident.
12. Create.  As often as possible.
13. Figure out how to use who you are for the benefit of everyone.  Don’t be less of who you are because it inconveniences someone else.
14. Just because something is expensive doesn’t mean it’s better.
15. However, don’t be afraid to spend money on really good shoes.  They will make you much happier every day.
16. Be vulnerable with people who will love and care for you, not just dudes who act like they care so they can get into your drawers.
17. Keep a chocolate drawer to keep you sane.
18. Don’t iron your hair. It does not work like a flat iron.
19. If you’re not sure that it’s just going to be a fart, hold it in until you can get to a restroom.
20. Cancel memberships you no longer use.  Even if you think they’re going to end on their own, double check.
21. Be thoughtful and kind.  They’re more important than being important.
22. When you’re stressed out, puppies really do make everything better.  Go find one.
23. If you can’t find a puppy, The Three Amigos and mint-chocolate-chip ice cream will suffice.
24. Men at 30 have the potential to look DRASTICALLY different than they did at twenty.  You should be aware of this before you make any long-term decisions.
Drastically.
25. Don’t wait on somebody else to give you flowers.  Fill your home with them.
26. There will be a year in your early/mid-twenties that will TOTALLY suck.  But it will get better.  Promise.
27. Do NOT, under any circumstances, believe the following myths:
- You’re not grown up until you have children.
- You’re not married because you’re not “ready.”
- You’re not lovable if you don’t have a man in your life.
- If a boy doesn’t like you, you need to change.
- After you get married, you can’t travel any more.
- If you’re not married, you are alone.
- The older you get, the less likely you are to find someone.
28. It may require you to eat a lot of ramen later, but go. on. vacation.  Your soul needs it.
29. Don’t be lame and don’t be an asshole.
30. Dance it out.

I’ve never really liked the idea of New Year’s resolutions because they are so rarely kept, and really, why do we wait until January to make resolutions? Can’t we resolve to do things any time we want? I submit that we can. So in the spirit of bucking the system, I’m just going to continue doing things this year that I started last year and would like to continue. I also may very well make new resolutions mid-year. Just because I can.

So Simplify2011 will now be called Simplify2012, and it will comprise the following goals:

• Get rid of all the books on my small bookcase and half the books on my big bookcase.
• Get rid of half of the clothes in both my dresser and closet.
• No new home decor purchases. Anything new must be given to me or made from items I already own.
• Clean out desk drawers.
• Finish consolidating teaching materials into binders, and get rid of unnecessary bins.
• Get rid of anything in my bathroom I haven’t used in the past six months.

I’m also going to re-motivate myself to run, not because I’m resolving now to exercise more for exercise’s sake, but because DLF and I have been talking about running a 10k or half-marathon for almost a year now, and my butt ain’t in any kind of shape for that at the moment. Or my heart or lungs or knees for that matter. And since my body insists on getting sick EVERY November, thus putting me out of commission for at least a month, and since I just finished watching EVERY episode of Bones ever made, it is now time to get off the couch and start moving.

And to round things out, I want to continue exploring and developing a few things I started learning about myself last year. When I was preparing to go to Pennsylvania for that week with World Team, they had us take a lot of tests – Bible tests, spiritual gifts tests, personality tests, etc. And on one of the personality tests, I scored really low on the characteristic of dominance (a key leadership quality). And when I say “low,” I mean like really low. Like almost negative. But when we were there, it became really evident to me and everyone else that the test was way wrong. Like holy-crap-what-happened-here? wrong. So I started thinking back on my life, and I was able to pinpoint at least one incident wherein that quality was trained out of me. That kind of pissed me off and inspired this post. So now I’m re-learning who I am naturally and how to use my God-given qualities and abilities to benefit everyone.

Another thing I’ve been learning about myself is still kind of hard to explain, but I think Dr. Brennan (aka Bones) said it pretty well in one episode I watched recently. She’s explaining to Booth how she has changed since she met him, and she makes a distinction between a substance that is impervious and a substance that is strong. She tells him that an impervious substance doesn’t have to be strong because nothing can affect it, but a strong substance allows things in and out and therefore must be strong to survive. That is, of course, a tad too scientific for my liking, but it’s more or less how I feel. I want to be strong, but I also want to be softer. I want to invite people, wisdom, Jesus, love, and yes, even pain and failure into my life if they will make me stronger, wiser and more loving. This one is going to take more work than consolidating my teaching materials (which is saying a lot), but I think it’ll be worth it.

And as always, if you’d like to participate with me in any of these things, you are more than welcome. Especially the running. I’ma need a LOT of butt-kicking in that department.

Y’all, there are so many thoughts in my head right now, I feel like I’m going to short-circuit. Thoughts of life and death, of Life and Death, thoughts of friendship and beauty, laughter and tears, compassion and care, thoughts of duties and errands, thoughts of the future, thoughts of marriage, commitment and sacrifice, passion and calling, gratitude and selfishness, courage, foolishness, mistletoe, prudence, caution, throwing caution to the wind, hospitality, hedonism, self-control, service and love.

But the greatest of these is love. May I walk in love daily, never forgetting where it comes from or who it tells me I am, and never backing down from what it requires of me.

Y’all, I have one more week in this long, long, long, long, long semester. Not bad-long, just long-long. And I’m ready for a break, but what I’m really excited about is organizing all the boxes of class materials under my bed into spiffy binders. And these spiffy binders will all fit into one box, making it possible for me to get rid of all the others. Then, I’m going to adjust my prices and re-list my books on half.com in the hopes that they all sell so I can get rid of that book case. And after that, I’m going to go through all my clothes and sort them honestly based on what I wear and what I don’t. I’m going to get rid of the ones I don’t wear, and then I’m going for a run.

When I get back from the run, I’m going to shave my legs. Both of them. All at once. Then I’m going to catch up on all my stories and take a nap. When I wake up from the nap, I’m going to go to the movies. I don’t know what I’m going to see, but it’s going to be good, and then I’m going to do my Christmas shopping.

After that, I’m going to read. I don’t care what. I’m going to go to the ‘Bou, get the free drink they promised me after making me the wrong drink last time, and read until I’m over it. Then I’m going to look at Etsy and Pinterest while I watch Bones and, let’s be honest, probably Elf for the fourth time in a month. I’m going to lie on the floor and watch the lights on my Christmas tree twinkle while I listen to all my favorite music. And I’m going to talk to people on Skype at all hours of the day and night when I would normally be asleep or at work.

If you would like to join me in any of these activities (except the napping and leg-shaving), you are welcome to do so. It would please me very much. We can make gingerbread houses and eat cookie dough and go ice skating and maybe even hold hands.

A lot of things have come together today to form these thoughts, and while they’re not yet fully coherent, I wanted to share with you what I’ve got so far.

We are not polliwogs. Wait, you already knew that? That’s because you’re brilliant. But allow me to explain. We come into the world as fully formed human beings. We’re not born in some other form to become human beings later on. We grow and change, but that’s just the development of what we already are.

I won’t tell you what to believe, but I’ll tell you what I believe to be true, and that’s that we were created uniquely by God, which is pretty cool because that means that our “wiring” has already been created when we’re born. If you have kids (especially if you have more than one), you can attest to the fact that they are different from the get-go. I think about my friend Rachel’s two kiddos, and really, there was a big difference in them even during the two pregnancies. I’m not enough of an expert on that to go into any more detail, but I’m sure y’all have seen it for yourselves. So just think, God created you, not just your body, but your personality as well. He came up with the way you relate to the world around you, the ways you like to be loved, the ways you demonstrate love to others, the things that break your heart, the things that stir your soul.

My friend Carla is easily startled, and she told me once that her mother said that even when she was in the womb, when the creepy theme music of a crime drama TV show came on, she would wriggle around like crazy, making her poor mama very uncomfortable. And I don’t remember a time ever in my life that I didn’t love music. Maybe my mom can shed more light on that, but for as long as I can remember, it’s been my favorite thing.

I realize there are all kinds of scientific arguments you could make to explain these things, but I don’t think any of them negate the idea of a creator. In fact, I think they support it, but that is beside the point.

We’ve been created. We were born with the basics fully formed and only in need of development, yet we still allow ourselves to be re-created by things that are not our creator. We let the media tell us that our bodies were formed incorrectly and should be adjusted to adapt to society’s standard of beauty. We let our teachers tell us that if we don’t follow the right 5-paragraph formula, our way of communicating is wrong. We let boys tell us that if we were more like so-and-so, we’d be worthy of their adoration. We let a lack of curiosity in others create in us the sense that we’re not worth pursuing or being known. We let laziness in others tell us that we are too much (too fill-in-the-blank). We let men who don’t want to understand us tell us that we’re crazy. We let so many things tell us that we are in some way shameful.

But just like God asked Adam and Eve, “Who told you that you were naked?” (Genesis 3:11), he asks us, “Who told you that you were malformed/unacceptable/unworthy/not valuable/too much/crazy/shameful?” Why do we allow someone who is not our creator to tell us who we are? What do they know? And what gives them the right? Yes, Adam and Eve were naked, but Genesis 2:25 says they felt no shame about it. The shame was added later.

So what if you don’t look like Scarlett Johansson? It doesn’t matter. There’s no shame there. And say you’re really, really organized or boisterous or intense or tall or talkative or bold. Who told you those were bad things? I’ll tell you who: Jerks who were too lazy to find a way to use those things to benefit everyone, so they told you to be less of yourself to make things easier on them in that moment. And if you’re 30 years old and have never even held hands with a boy, it is not because you’re unlovable, unworthy, or in any way not completely special. Here’s who you are:

• a unique creation of God
• someone God knows and loves (yes, at the same time)
• someone Jesus died to set free

Y’all, don’t let anyone or anything in the world re-create you to be anyone other than who God made you to be. You are already loved, and that’s enough.

I don’t know how life works, really. I don’t know how you go from one phase into another, I don’t know how you raise kids, I don’t know how relationships are formed, grown, lost, rekindled, etc., and I don’t have a clue in the world what I’m doing most of the time. I just get up every day and tell myself to get in the shower. Then I make a mental note to call the rental office later and tell them my tub is stopped up again. Then I choose clothes to put on, sometimes with greater effort than other times. Then I put my makeup on the same way I’ve done it for the last fifteen years and try to do something with my hair that I don’t find boring even though I know that no one else in the world ever finds my hair boring. I do what I have predetermined that I will do each day, and if I haven’t predetermined anything, I’ll probably spend the day watching Bones on Netflix.

I don’t know how to date or get married or find out what goes on in the minds of men or really even how to love people well at all, and I know I screw it up on a daily basis, but I’m thankful for the grace my friends and family have shown me over the years as I’ve begun to at least want to figure it out. I don’t know how to proceed from here, but that’s ok because I’m thankful for my family and friends who are willing to walk with me even as I wander in circles. I don’t know where I’ll end up or how I’ll get there, but I’m thankful for companions along the journey.

There’s so much I don’t know. So much. And the learning curve of my life right now feels so steep. But I can’t help feeling thankful for all the people in my life who love me so completely, and I just want to encourage all of you just in case you feel clueless like me. You’re doing fine. Keep up the good work. And thank you.

My brain is not firing on all cylinders these days, so I apologize for the vagueness of this post. I don’t have complete, coherent thoughts or lessons learned or decisions made to share with you. This is where I am, so this is what you get. Thanks for loving me anyway.

Y’all, seriously. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. I put things down, and they disappear. I can’t find my mailbox key, I keep forgetting to buy more almond milk, I have no idea what I was going to write about here just now, and I feel fairly certain I was supposed to do something. Oh. I remember. Please hold.

Ok, done. Whew. Apparently I haven’t blown all my brains out of my nose this week along with twenty pounds of snot. Hang in there, gray matter! I still need you! I know I haven’t used you much this week at all, but that’s just because you got such an intense workout last week, and I wanted to give you a rest. Plus, I’m tired. Oh so tired. But don’t worry, I have every intention of pulling you off the bench very soon because I feel like not being in school has made me stupider, and I’d really like to work on that.

I’ve been reading about William Tyndale, and one interesting thing I read last night was that while he was at Oxford, he used a book by Erasmus called De Copia, in which there was an exercise to give “no fewer than one hundred fifty ways of saying, ‘Your letter has delighted me very much,’” the point being to force students to “use of all the verbal muscles in order to avoid any hint of flabbiness.” I’m always telling my students how rich the English language is and teaching them new ways to say things so they don’t have to use the same, tired words all the time, but that only challenges them. It doesn’t challenge me. And I’ve found myself recently unable to think of the words I want. Simple words like “radiant” and…oh, see, I’ve forgotten them again. Something must be done.

I know I’m still recovering from a crazy week last week and a cold, but those are poor excuses for losing one’s marbles, and I’m far too young for that. I know I’ll never be one of those old people who does Sudoku to keep her mind sharp because Sudoku already makes me want to punch a baby, but maybe I’ll be a prolific letter-writer or something. Something.

And maybe one day I’ll find my mailbox key.