FAQ

What’s the meaning of the title/subtitle?
Begun in 2004 as a means of mass communication to only interested parties, Onward Hoe! has had many names and faces. I can’t remember any of them at the moment, but I know the name was changed several times before “Onward Hoe!” was settled upon for its insinuation that forward motion was to be ever a priority, and for the word “hoe.” As in “I’m a hoe. You know I’m a hoe. How do you know? Because I told you so.”

The tag line, “Moving on and settling down…all at once,” means that whether I’m moving on from one location to another, or from one immature mindset to one better suited to adult life, or from one giddy crush to another giddy crush, I am always settling down more and more into who I truly am. And perhaps some day, I’ll actually settle down in a place and make it my home. But not yet.

A hoe is a garden tool. Shouldn’t it be spelled H-O?
Well you see, what had happened was this: Sometime in 2005, Whitney and I started a home group (small group/Bible study group) at our church, and in one fateful email, written November 10, 2005, there was a typo wherein Whitney accidentally left the m out of “home,” and thus, the “Hoe Group” was born. She fixed it before sending it, but she made parenthetical notation of the blunder, which of course, we found hilarious.

Then, for months and months and years even after, the group consisted solely of women. We’re not sure why we couldn’t keep men coming, but the fact that we also called them hoes might have had something to do with it.

Anyhoe, we abandoned the name “Hoe Group” after the church implored us to do so, and eventually, the original group was no more. Two got married and moved away, two started going to different churches, new people started coming, and it became too tiring and eventually irrelevant to explain the whole thing. But all the original hoes, despite changes in life and geography, are still friends and still refer to one another as hoes. With the greatest love and respect.

Who is Matt Hagaman?
Sigh. Matt Hagaman is a kid I grew up with. Kind of. He went to my elementary school for third grade, but then he was at another school for the other years, and we didn’t see him again until middle school. Then, in middle and high school, I had a mad crush on him, and that is roughly the extent of who he actually is.

In the summer of 2004, I was taking a class about teaching to various types of intelligences. We were divided into groups, and each group was assigned an intelligence on which we were to present. My group presented on musical intelligence, and we talked about how powerful music can be as a tool to help people remember things because the mind links the music with whatever else is going on. As an example, I talked about how the Eagles’ “Desperado” will always and forever remind me of Kelly Phillips’ 13th birthday party, where I slow danced with Matt. In preparation for the presentation, I put out an all-call on my blog for photos of Matt. Then, in November of 2004, I found out through a friend that he was going to be running the NY Marathon, so I called him up, and while he was there, we hung out.

From there, it just became funny how much I mentioned him, so I started doing it more. It’s not even really him any more. It can’t be, because I don’t really know him now. I’ve seen him several times since high school, and he’s always just as nice as he can be, but I think the person I blog about is some fictionalized, ideal version of him – a grown-up version of how I saw him in the 7th grade. The real him is a great guy, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t have the hots for the real him. He’s either married by now or the date is quickly approaching, and that’s totally fine by me.

Of course, if he dropped her and came knocking on my door, that’d be fine too. Just like him.

Who is DLF?
DLF was my roommate in NY. Her initials are LF, so she received the nickname DLF after Trumpkin (aka Dear Little Friend) from the Chronicles of Narnia books. She is both my Dear Little Friend and my Dear Lauren Franklin. I needed a nickname for her to differentiate between her and my current roommate, also named Lauren.

DLF is an extraordinarily talented cellist and a fine chef. She is also insanely intelligent and can communicate in roughly all of the world’s languages. We very much enjoy discussing The Office, 30 Rock and Southern culture.

Who is Lauren?
Along with Whitney, Lauren was one of my roommates at “The Buddy Ranch” in Raleigh. She also answers to “Josh” (see below) and “Buddy.”

Lauren is actually the one responsible for everyone being called “Josh.” You see, on homestarrunner.com, there are these emails, see? And in one of them, the dude who wrote the intial email signs it “munkeydude” or something ridiculous like that, and Strong Bad, who is replying, refuses to call him that, stating instead, “I’ma call you Josh.” And he does.

Well, Lauren found this little sound byte hilarious, and so periodically, she’d just say it. Then one day, she really did start calling me and Whitney “Josh.” So we called her “Josh” right back.

Who is Whitney?
Along with Lauren, Whitney was one my Buddy Ranch roommates in Raleigh. We met in 2005 at Jason Jones’s apartment, where I was cooking chicken tacos. (That was before I gave up the meat – that’s what she said.) Because of these circumstances, she thought that (#1) I was dating Jason Jones, and (#2) I was “very domestic.” She was wrong about both, although I have come to be more domestic since then. We became friends shortly thereafter when she offered up her laundry facilities for my use whilst I was living in a shed. There are so many amazing stories to tell about Whitney that I don’t even know where to start. Seriously. You should just search the website for her name and read it all. She’s hilarious.

Who is Emily Furr Hogan?
Emily Furr Hogan is one of my oldest and dearest friends. I think we have known each other since we were about four years old. She is also one of the most hilarious and sincere people I know. And she had the rockinest wedding reception EVER.

Who is Josh?
Well, on homestarrunner.com, there are these emails, see? And in one of them, the dude who wrote the initial email signs it “munkeydude” or something ridiculous like that, and Strong Bad, who is replying, refuses to call him that, stating instead, “I’ma call you Josh.” And he does.

Well, Lauren found this little sound byte hilarious, and so periodically, she’d just say it. Then one day, she really did start calling me and Whitney “Josh.” So we called her “Josh” right back.

Who is this “Anonymous” who’s always commenting with well-google-researched responses?
That’s my mama. She’s also probably behind any celebrity comments. The woman is hilarious and probably the best google researcher on the planet. She could get a good job as a fact checker if she wanted to. I love you, Mama!!

Who is CVH?
Cutie Von Hottenstein. I’m not really protecting his identity so much as I am my own pride. I mean, if he were to read any of the posts about himself, he would know immediately and without a shadow of a doubt that they are about him, but just on the off chance that he’s prone to googling his own name, I’d rather not have it come up that I think, in the immortal words of Salt N Pepa, “the brotha had it goin’ on with somethin’ kinda…uh, wicked, wicked – had to kick it.”

Why doesn’t Amaris usually feel normal?
Dude, I don’t know. You should ask her. She’s really not that weird. Or maybe I just really am so weird that I don’t notice.

Did you really live in a shed?
You tell me.

Who approved the answers to all these questions?
I’m Whitney Chambers, and I did.

If you have any more questions, please direct them to onwardhoe@gmail.com. Thank you very much, and have a blessed day.