OH MY GOSH (25 Things)

Well if this isn’t all the rage. I have been tagged like a thousand times to do this even though everything you could possibly want to know has likely been examined in great detail over the past 4.5 years on Onward Hoe! So some of the things on this list may be repeats from other times when I’ve made similar lists, but I’ll try to keep it fresh, you know…for the meeeeiinnzz (aka men-folk). Here we go.

  1. I wear some type of cardigan almost every day. Literally. Sometimes it’s a hoodie, sometimes it’s more teachery. Today, I actually came home and changed cardigans.
  2. I’ve designated one hair gel bottle to be the “penny pincher.” You see, when I can’t get any more gel out of a bottle, there’s still some left in there, but rather than wasting it (and the money spent on it), I turn it up on top of the penny pincher and let it all drain down over the next few days. Then, after doing this with several bottles, I have a whole, full bottle of the dregs. Hey, I have to save money on something. Even though I haven’t actually purchased hair gel in over a year.
  3. I took piano lessons, off and on, for over six years. To hear me play now, though, you wouldn’t believe it.
  4. I studied Japanese for over three years. To hear me speak it now, though, you wouldn’t believe it.
  5. I love cake. Pretty much all cake. And, adhering to a vegan diet as I do, I consider all cake to be vegan cake.
  6. I really like hot tea with (soy) milk and sugar. I prefer the spiced kinds to the fruity ones, but a combo of the two is good too.
  7. I’m not a very fast reader. Wow, I’m glad I got that off my chest.
  8. I started eating Luna bars a while back for breakfast, and I tried a whole bunch of different flavors, but the only one I really eat is the Chocolate Raspberry. I still like the Chocolate Mint and the Mixed Berry, but I only eat the Chocolate Raspberry. Twice a day, at least.
  9. I like to cook, and truth be told, I’m not bad at it. I don’t do it very often, though.
  10. I always have at least five projects that need working on. For example, right now, there’s those sheets and that dress that didn’t get finished last week, a picture frame decor idea, a sewing idea, and an embroidery hoop idea. All sitting in my room, waiting for me to think of fifteen more interesting things to say about myself. This is precisely why said projects never get done.
  11. I miss New York. There were definitely things about it that I didn’t prefer, mostly the way I always seemed to be snarling, but in so many ways, it’s my favorite city.
  12. I don’t do well with plants. I can’t remember to water them.
  13. I wish they made MTV’s “The Grind” workout videos on DVD. I’d be in much better shape, and I’d be able to impress everybody at the clubs in 1994.
  14. I have a goddaughter, Annabelle. She’s super-cute. And very talkative.
  15. I love having art that was done by my friends/family. Two of my most favorite things are a photo taken by my sister and an art piece by my Brookie.
  16. I like to make things, even if they turn out awful. I’ll just take them apart and try again.
  17. There is a specific way I fold my towels. I always do it that way. I will likely never change. It’s how my parents fold towels, and I’m not sure which of them started it, or if they knew they were meant to be together when they discovered they both folded towels that way. One day, I will either find a man who folds towels the same way or train one to do so.
  18. I spill something on my shirt almost every day. Perhaps that’s why I wear the cardigans – to cover up the stains.
  19. I have an unnecessarily large number of credit cards that I NEVER USE. If I had a shredder, I’d take care of that right this instant. God help me if I ever lose my wallet.
  20. I almost never wear heels. And I absolutely never wear heels taller than about an inch and a half.
  21. I HATE corn tortillas. Tortilla chips are fine, but they’re thin and fried. The ones that have stuff wrapped in them, though, all thick and toasted, make me want to vomit. Literally.
  22. I love Claussen Kosher Dill halves. LOVE. Could eat an entire jar.
  23. My 5th and 6th grade teacher, Mr. Shumate, was my favorite. He did cartwheels when we had good attendance.
  24. The pull cord on my living room ceiling fan/light was originally part of the skirt on an amateur drag queen’s dance costume.
  25. Lauren says that I’ve never had a pet – that fish don’t count. They are just decorations, but in college, my roommates and I had two beta fish named Timmmmmieey and Choowhee. We made miniature Christmas stockings for them and everything.

Ok. Whew. That literally took about six hours. Man, what a tragic waste of a day. I’m not tagging anyone to do this. If you want to do it, go for it, but if you don’t want to do it, even if you’ve been tagged by someone else, I hereby deobligate you. Don’t feel pressured to do it. In fact, don’t do it. Write 25 things about other people. Write 25 facts about Claussen pickles. Write 25 ways Dwight Shrute would disable a black bear in the wilderness. Have fun!

So many things.

We’ll start with the 2-year-old stripper.

So last Wednesday, my friend Rachel and my goddaughter (Rachel’s daughter) Annabelle came down to visit me. I was very nervous about this for a few reasons.

  1. My apartment is not child-proof. It’s not even really safe for me sometimes. I did a LOT of cleaning before they arrived, though, and I tried to put large pieces of furniture in front of all the outlets.
  2. Rachel lives in a LARGE house. My entire apartment would fit comfortably inside her finished basement. And I don’t even really have full access to the whole thing considering Brookie’s master suite makes up about 2/5 of the place.
  3. What do you do with a toddler in Raleigh? I just don’t know things like this.

It was all fine and great, though, and we had a good time, although Annabelle didn’t really sleep much while they were here. She didn’t nap at all, and she woke up at the butt crack of dawn on Thursday and Friday having stayed up way past her bedtime on Wednesday and Thursday. And this only sucks because as the mommy, Rachel has to get up and be responsible and alert while some time around 5:00 Annabelle gets to be a cranky toddler. Wouldn’t it be great if, as adults, we could fully commit to our emotions and display them unabashedly like that? Ok, maybe it wouldn’t be that great. Maybe everybody would just be really awful to everybody else, and that’s how people get killed.

So ANYHOE, we were in Target, and we’d just had dinner at Chipotle, but since some of Annabelle’s ended up on the floor, she didn’t really get to eat it all, so she was still hungry, so when we got to Target, she wanted a hot dog. I’ll spare you my feelings on hot dogs and skip on to the part where the wee one dumped water all over herself and then proceeded to remove her clothing while seated in the shopping cart. And as Rachel was re-dressing her she just looked at me and said, “I swear, she’s going to be a stripper.”

For the record, she’s not going to be a stripper, I’m pretty sure. Bless her heart, she just likes a little naked time. Who doesn’t?

Bipolar or just two?

If you’ve been reading Onward Hoe! for a while now, you know I have several irrational fears, one of which is toddlers. My only fear, really, is that I just don’t know what to do with them. They’re like little aliens to me. I like them just fine, and I’ve never met one who didn’t like me. I just don’t understand them. But I think I’m starting to.

I spent part of my July 4th (5th and 6th) vacation in northern Virginia with my friend Rachel and her daughter (my god-daughter), Annabelle. Annabelle is two, and like a true girl, she just doesn’t know what she wants sometimes. And when it’s her fault that she can’t make up her mind, she will turn on the adults who are trying to make her happy. For example, she’ll want some milk. “Want milk, want milk, want milk, want milk, want milk, want milk,” she’ll say. And she’s a very polite child, really. She says please and thank you pretty well. But you’ll give her the milk, and before she gets to the point of gratefulness for it, she’s decided she doesn’t want it. And she doesn’t want it violently. “NO MILK! NO MILK!! NO MIIIIILLLLLK!!” Oh my.

 I have to say, though, I really did enjoy listening to her have a tantrum in the car, because it was so unfounded and nonsensical. Again, she didn’t have anything that could be classified in any way as a grievance. She was just in a bad mood and felt the need to express it in scream. But the longer we ignored her, the funnier it got, because when she didn’t get one thing, she’d skip to the next. And the next, and the next, and the next. It went something like this:

WANT WATER! WANT WATER! WANT WAAHAAAATTEEHEEERRRR!!! WANT JUICE, JUICE, WANT JUICE, WANT MILK! WANT MILK!! MOMMMMYYYY! JUICE! GRAPES! GRAPES! MIL… WATER!!! KEYS! KEYS! WANT KEYS! WANT MOMMY’S KEYS! KEEEEEEYYYSS!!!! WANT WIGGLES…

You get the idea.

And she’s a smart little booger, which makes her really sassy and kind of manipulative. She’s potty training, which means she’s not wearing diapers, which means you really want her to go in the potty because the mess is much worse now if she goes in her pants. So in three days, we must have gone to the potty about 8 million times, and I think she actually went on the potty about eight of those times. But she knows that she can get out of any situation by saying that she needs to go to the potty, because mommy’s not taking any chances. If the child says she needs to go, someone takes her. Then you get her on the potty, and she doesn’t have to go (best case scenario) or she has a fit (worst case scenario). So you ask her, “Annabelle, do you need to go pee-pee?” No.

Fine. So you go back to what you were doing, and suddenly she “has to go” again. Honestly, I don’t know how potty training parents get anything done. Ever. She says she has to potty and then doesn’t, you ask her if she has to potty and she doesn’t, you ask her again and again, and she doesn’t…and then two minutes later, very matter-of-factly (and almost proudly), she will announce, “I pee-peed!”

You’ve got to be kidding me. It just proves what Whitney and I have known all along. Little kids, man. Little kids don’t care.