I have to leave for work (again) in about 15 minutes, so I don’t have time for a lengthy post about anything, but that’s cool because I don’t have anything lengthy to say about anything, so here are just a few short updates and tidbits:

• I LOVE that it’s already Wednesday. This week is going by much more quickly than last week.
• Whitney and I are looking for a new place to live. We want a cheaper place, preferably closer to work for me. If you know of anything in the Cameron Village/Wade Ave./downtown/campus area that costs less than $900 for a 2BR or less than $1200 for a 3BR and won’t smell like college boys, do let us know.
• I signed up for Netflix. Why oh why did I not do this years ago?? It’s amazing.
• I signed up for eHarmony. Just seeing if you were paying attention. Yes? You are? Good because I seriously did. Nothing exciting to report so far, but apparently I am VERY matchable.
• I’m having an AWESOME hair day today.
• My personal fundraising for my Italy trip is done!!!! I have ALL my money!! My team as a whole, however, is at about 72% funded, so if you still want to contribute, we would love that. I kinda want them to go with me.
• I watched a fabulous documentary yesterday that I’ll write more about later, but if you want to go ahead and watch it, it’s called The Rape of Europa. If you have Netflix, you can stream it online. It’s also a book that I might be interested in reading with a book club. Any takers on that? AND I am 100% sure that I want to go on a European art tour. That is of course in addition to my European spy tour and my Sound of Music tour.
• Oh! And on July 22, Koka Booth is showing a sing-along Sound of Music, complete with subtitles for all the songs and a costume contest! I’d like to go as Liesl in the gazebo, or perhaps Liesl coming out of the gazebo after being kissed by Rolf. I’ll just hold my arms straight out with an elated look on my face and periodically fling them backward while squealing. But I’d also like to find a dress. Any ideas?
• I watched Legends of the Fall the other day for the first time since it was released in theaters in 1994. I do not know how I was allowed to see it at the tender age of 14. I don’t even think I was allowed to watch Dirty Dancing until later than that. But good golly it is one of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen.

I have always said that in order to be a good ESL teacher (or probably any language teacher, for that matter), you have to be at least a little bit insane. You have to be able to roll with whatever comes at you, ready to answer no matter what questions come up, ready to explain things by way of demonstration, ready to liven things up should they get too boring. In general, you have to be willing to make a complete idiot of yourself. I think that’s why I like teaching ESL so much. It allows me to utilize the skills I might use on stage, but I never have to audition. Win-win.

But what I’ve just discovered is that teaching also keeps me just barely on the sane side. When I’m not teaching, you see, I get myself into trouble because I have no schedule. And when I have no schedule, I stay up later and sleep later. And when I stay up too late, I sign up for online dating services, and that is just no good at all (I deleted my account the next morning, thank goodness). And when I don’t have things to do during the day, I spend way too much time wandering around Target. And that’s when I accidentally try on nursing bras and consider buying them. And apparently that’s not good either.

I don’t mean to pick them up. I’m just looking at styles and sizes. I don’t notice the little snappy hook things on the front until I get back into the dressing room, and then I think, “Well, as long as I’m here…” And y’all, I’m not kidding. They are SO comfortable. I tried on a regular bra yesterday, and I hated it. It was all rigid and itchy, and it corralled my bazooms in a most unflattering manner. Then I tried on a soft, comfy, cute bra that also just happened to snap open in the front. What of it?

I didn’t buy it, but I do need to go to Target again today, and I’m not making any promises. If I buy it, I won’t tell you about it, and you’ll never know I’m wearing it. That is, unless you notice how unprecedentedly comfortable I am. Then you’ll know.

Look, y’all. When I allowed anonymous questions on the formspring page, this was really not what I had in mind.

beth..i’ve had the biggest crush on you for awhile! i don’t go on here a lot. but please message me on www.dateanswer.com under the username “wishfulthinker”. please don’t get all weird =)

Ok. I am 100% sure this is not legit, so I feel completely non-a-holey saying no, Mr. Terrible Punctuation, I will not go out with you. And the only thing weird here is that www.dateanswer.com is not a real website, so…now I kind of feel like you’re making fun of me. Like you’re declaring fake feelings for me as a joke (heh heh heh senior prank, senior prank, heh heh senior prank).

I’m not going to cry myself to sleep or anything, though. I mean it’s not like you have a chance with me anyway (NON-a-holey because this is fake, remember?).

Y’all know I’ll do pretty much anything if it’s free and doesn’t violate any laws or personal morals. I will especially join a dating site if it’s free just because it’s so dang entertaining. But this Zoosk thing – I just can’t bring myself to do it for at least two reasons.

First, there’s the name. What kind of a name is Zoosk for a dating site? What does that even mean? And what does it have to do with dating, relationships, love, romance, friendship, people, or the internet? Plus, it’s hard to say, especially when you pair it with “dot com.” Bad plan all around, guys. Really.

But the biggest reason I don’t want to have anything to do with it is the awful, horrible, terrible, no good, very bad radio commercial I heard for it on my way to work. Y’all, seriously. It was worse than a local car dealership commercial. Bad script, bad acting, and they kept saying “Zoosk,” and it was impossible to understand every time. Awful, terrible, abysmally bad.

The commercial was a conversation between two girls, one of whom was browsing Zoosk. The other one came in and asked what she was doing. Then they started talking about all the cute guys on the site. One of them wanted to cook her dinner that weekend. Another, get this, wanted to “take her to the island in his private plane.” Right there, with that line, whoever was writing this thing should have been fired. That doesn’t make any sense. What island? And WHY, I ask you, is a man with a private plane utilizing the services of a free dating site?

Well, at this point in the commercial, we go into a dream sequence, except it’s radio, so you can only guess it’s a dream sequence based on the little harp ditty leading into it. And in the dream, the girl is in the plane with the guy, and he’s this totally immature jerk/show-off who’s flying all crazy and scaring her to death. And then the harp plays again to lead us back into reality, where apparently the two girls have been imagining the same death flight, and they agree that she should go with the guy who wants to cook dinner.

Now let’s just be practical for a moment. If I were on a dating site, and I had to choose between Guy Who Wants to Cook Me Dinner and Guy Who Wants to Take Me to “The Island” in His Private Plane, I would not be concerned with fly-boy’s piloting skills. I would be concerned that he is a liar (private plane, free dating site) who wants to kidnap me (unnamed island) and murder me in a place with no cellular reception. THAT’s why I would choose Dinner Guy if I had to pick one.

But now let’s be honest. NO guy on any dating site anywhere ever wants to cook you dinner for the first meeting. And no girl in her right mind would agree to it. “Yeah, Brad, going to your apartment alone so you can slip me a roofie sounds awesome! I can’t wait to meet you!”

No thanks, Zoosk (oh my gosh it’s even hard to type), I don’t care how many millions of singles have already joined worldwide. I will not be browsing them. Because based on your radio commercial, they are all either idiots or shady, lying possibly murderers. Even if they are hot.

Today’s formspring question isn’t so much a question as it is a request, and a rather vague one at that, but here goes:

More on Jews, Please. Thank Jew.

Friends, I’m not really sure how to respond to this, but I suppose I have several options.

1. I could start an ongoing Jew segment, giving you the history, culture and traditions of the Jewish people. Honestly, though, I think that would be a little weird and not at all in keeping with the serious themes of online dating, disturbing dreams, food, and haircare products you’ve come to expect here. Sure, there’s the occasional bizarre writing activity, but I think I’ll save all my educational writing for Your Dictionary. I am actually supposed to write an article this month on the origins of Judaism, so keep an eye out for that.
2. I could replace “Jew” with “you” in a sneaky reversal of the song-enhancing practice I learned from Collice and Grady, and tell you more about myself. But who wants to hear that? Oh wait. Apparently y’all do. You keep coming back here to read this stuff and asking me questions to answer (some of which are going to get REAL personal this week). So I guess in a way, I answer this request every time I post something new. Jew’re welcome.
3. I could give you some awesome song lyrics with “Jews” in place of all the “yous,” but you have to promise not to think me racist or antisemitic in any way. I’m not talking about actual people. It’s just a word that sounds like another word. And makes every song hilarious (and sometimes horribly offensive). My apologies in advance to every Jewish reader I have. If I could do the same thing to followers of other religions, believe me, I would. I actually do it sometimes with “Mormon,” putting it in place of “moment.” That’s pretty funny too. “Where was the Mormon we needed the most?” “I’m hanging by a Mormon here with Jews.” – A DOUBLE!!

So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll give you some lyrics just like Bill and Ted gave the princesses before they got taken away by those royal ugly dudes. Let’s see…

• “Jews don’t own me. Don’t say I can’t go with other boys, and don’t tell me what to do, and don’t tell me what to say, and please, when I go out with Jews, don’t put me on display. I don’t tell Jews what to say, and I don’t tell Jews what to do. Just let me be myself. That’s all I ask of Jews.”
• “Jews, my darling Jews, mmmm…bittersweet memories – that is all I’m taking with me. So goodbye. Please don’t cry. We both know I’m not what Jews, Jews need. And I will always love Jews. I will always love Jews.”
• “Jews must not know ’bout me, Jews must not know ’bout me. I can get another Jew in a minute. Matter fact, he’ll be here in a minute, baby. Jews must not know ’bout me, Jews must not know ’bout me. I can have another Jew by tomorrow, so don’t Jews ever for a second get to thinkin’ Jews irreplaceable.”
• “Jews got a piece of me, and honestly, my life would suck without Jews.”
• “If she would’ve been faithful, if she could have been true, then I would’ve been cheated. I would never know real love. I would’ve missed out on Jews.”
• “Jews can’t escape my private eyes. They’re watching Jews.”
• “Wherever Jews go, whatever Jews do, I will be right here waiting for Jews.”
• “Tell me how am I supposed to live without Jews now that I’ve been lovin’ Jews so long? How am I supposed to live without Jews? And how am I supposed to carry on when all that I’ve been living for is gone?”
• “I’m not gonna write Jews a love song ’cause Jews asked for it, ’cause Jews need one. You see, I’m not gonna write Jews a love song ’cause Jews tell me it’s make or breakin’ this.”
• “For all those times Jews stood by me, for all the truths that Jews made me see, for all the joy Jews brought to my life, for all the wrongs that Jews made right, for every dream Jews made come true, for all the love I found in Jews, I’ll be forever thankful, baby….Jews were my strength when I was weak, Jews were my voice when I couldn’t speak, Jews were my eyes when I couldn’t see, Jews saw the best there was in me, lifted me up when I couldn’t reach, Jews gave me faith ’cause Jews believed. I’m everything I am because Jews loved me. Jews gave me wings and made me fly, Jews touched my hand, I could touch the sky. I lost my faith, Jews gave it back to me. Jews said no star was out of reach. Jews stood by me, and I stood tall. I had their love, I had it all. I’m grateful for each day Jews gave me. Maybe I don’t know that much, but I know this much is true: I was blessed because I was loved by Jews. Oh, Jews were always there for me, the tender wind that carried me, light in the dark, shining their love into my life. Jews’ve been my inspiration. Through the lies, Jews were the truth. MY WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE BECAAAHAAAUSE OF JEWWWWEWWWWWS!”

Are Jew satisfied?

I did it.

I went to the Verizon store yesterday after church and told them I wanted to downgrade. They turned off my PunkBerry and gave me a very normal, very unsmart Samsung “Intensity.” I’m not exactly sure what’s so intense about it. So far, here’s what I don’t like:

• It doesn’t automatically capitalize the first letter in a new sentence.
• It doesn’t automatically capitalize I.
• It doesn’t automatically capitalize I AND add an apostrophe when I type im.
• It doesn’t automatically add an apostrophe to any contractions.
• I can’t just start typing a contact’s name from the keypad and have it pop up. I have to either go into my contact list or slide it open to use the QWERTY keyboard.

But on the other hand, here’s what I DO like:

• It doesn’t vibrate to confirm that I just sent an email. Honestly, it stressed me out that the PunkBerry did that. Every time I’d send an email, I would just brace for it. It made me all tense. I’m still getting used to it, though, so every time I send an email, my stomach muscles still automatically tighten, but I’ll loosen up soon enough. As will my abs.
• I am not greeted every morning by my “friends,” Snapfish, Elance and Borders Rewards. I am not ever greeted by junk mail.
• It doesn’t get me all excited that someone wants to talk to me just to let me down when I find it was only eHarmony offering me a “great deal.” I am only notified when real people I really know actually wish to speak with me.
• It has calculator that does temperature, length, weight, area, volume and currency conversions as well as tip calculation. This will be very helpful the next time I’m in Europe and don’t know what the temperature really is or how much oil I’m really supposed to add to the cake mix.
• It has this real sultry ringtone called “Slowly” that I jam out to sometimes.
• It costs $30 less every month to use (Europe2012!!).

So I think I’m ok today. I freaked out for about half an hour right after I left the Verizon store, but after talking to Josh on it for a while and then spending the rest of the afternoon texting, I started to get used to it, and I think I’m going to be ok. Will keep you updated, though.

I think it has been well established that I like to write. And on that note, a sidenote: I’m about to hit 1,000 blog posts, and I’m trying to think of something exciting to do for it. Any suggestions? End of sidenote.

So I’ve been writing freelance for the past couple of years for various websites and having a lot of fun with it. I’d like to do it more. I’d like to write as my main job (and teach a few days a week), but here’s the thing. As a freelancer, you have to actually finish work in order to get paid. If you sit at your computer for eight hours a day and don’t complete anything, that’s zero dollars for you. If you work as a normal employee (on salary, hourly wage or contract) of a company, you get paid just to show up, and they assume that you’re working the whole time. I mean, obviously if you never do any work, you’ll get fired, but I’m just sayin’ – I have long conversations with people online while they’re at work. During this time, they are getting paid while I am not because they’re at work (“working”), but I’m not getting anything done. A job job is, therefore, in just about every way provided you like your job, preferable. But I have yet to find a company that will pay me to write about the kinds of things I write about full time.

If you know of such a company – one that wants to pay someone to write for 35-40 hours a week on topics such as hair gel, crazy people, internet dating, personal victories over technological ineptitude, vegan food, weird dreams, musical theater and travel – let me know. But I can’t even imagine what that company would be, so I guess Onward Hoe! is it. Come on fancy ads! Baby needs a new pair of shoes! (Not really, but it sounded better than “Baby needs an oil change, some hair gel and toothpaste.”)

I know many of you are just squirming in your office chairs waiting for me to post pictures and VIDEO!!!! from this weekend’s Powerboat Show and Sale. I can’t post them yet, though, for two reasons:

1. I’m waiting for SOMEBODY to scan and email me The Picture because the one I have is not good. It wasn’t that great a photo to begin with (technically speaking – the subject matter is fantastic), and I took a picture of The Picture with the camera on my PunkBerry, and we all know what happens when you make a copy of a copy (She touched my pepe, Steve). So I need the original in digital form to share with the people. Pretty please??
2. I can’t find the cord that hooks my camera up to my computer. It’s here somewhere, and when I find it, you’ll not only get to see more photos and video from the event, but you’ll also get to see pictures of Ugly Sweater New Year’s 2010, but until then, I got nothin’.

So for now, I’m going to tell you that until about five minutes ago, apparently I still had a myspace account. Why? I don’t know. I think it had something to do with planning my high school reunion and needing to find people, but I’m pretty sure all those people are on facebook now, so if I haven’t given up on facebook eight years from now, the next reunion should be easy to plan. I am not confident, however, that facebook will still exist in eight years. Or if it does, no one will be using it because something better will have come along, and facebook will be the thing that only old people, rednecks and internet prostitutes use. But I guess in eight years, if I stay in the mountains and never find a day job, I could become all of those things.

At least I deleted my myspace account. That’s a step in the right direction, I think.

So I tweeted the other day:

Dear Single Christian Men in Asheville, Do y’all know people? ‘Cause none of them seem to know any of you?

And I received an email yesterday containing the following:

Thanks, faithful reader, for this reminder that they are out there…even though the fact that he’s on an online dating site would indicate that he does not, in fact know anyone, and the sender later admitted to correcting jaredwright23′s spelling and grammar before sending him my way. Y’all know me so well.

On account of it’s her birthday today, and in honor of that fact, I’d like to share with you all this email that my friend Amaris received long, long ago on this dating site that I think her mom signed her up for. Not sure about all the details there, but maybe one of them will enlighten us. Anyhoe, I think you’ll enjoy it. I sure have. It’s been in my inbox since June of last year, and I do not know how long she’d been enjoying before she let me in on the fun, but I think it’s high time you all got to meet RELSKYDADDY!! He writes:

Hi Sexy BabyDoll,

Yes You Are A Very Sexy Classy Beautiful Woman, and Your Profile Shows It!

I Think Southern Women, Are The Most Beautiful Classy Women, In The World!

Yes You Are A Very Beautiful Classy Woman, Doll!

I Would Love The Opportunity To Be Your Friend?

I Just Hope You Are For Real and Not A Game Player or Just A Teaser Period!

You Sound Like A Fun Sexy Classy Woman To Know and Be With?

Would Love To See More Photos, If Possible?

If You Would Like To Take The Chance, and Get To Know A Fun Sexy Classy Guy?

Let’s Chat? Send Me A Message?

You Got The Real Deal and No In Between, TRICK or TREAT, and You Be Too! Ha Ha Ha

SweetDreams BabyDoll

You Have:

” THE REAL TRUE AIRBORNE GANGSTER ”

SKYDADDY

I have so many things to say about this, I don’t even know where to start. I guess the most obvious thing is that every line is a self-contained title of some sort, with the capitalization of every word and the blatant refusal to type more than one sentence per line. I also like how everything is either an exclamation or a question. This guy does not mess around with simple imperative or assertive sentences. He’s all about him some interrogatives, though, even when they don’t seem to make much sense? They look like regular ol’ sentences? But then they have a question mark at the end? I’m Ron Burgundy?

My next favorite thing about this email is the words that are obviously his favorites: Classy, Beautiful, Sexy, Doll, Fun. He uses them to describe both her and himself, which to me shows that they are clearly a perfect match. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why she didn’t go for this guy.

Next up on my list of reasons I love RELSKYDADDY is his use of random and nonsensical word combinations:

• Teaser Period – Ok. He’s proven his ability to use commas (albeit incorrectly) in the lines, “I Think Southern Women, Are The Most Beautiful Classy Women, In The World!” and “Would Love To See More Photos, If Possible?” But in this case, he doesn’t use one, which indicates to me that a Teaser Period means something totally different from a Teaser, Period. Now, I have my own ideas about what a Teaser Period might be, but I’m not sure that’s what RELSKYDADDY has in mind. Curious.
• Man. At the end there, he totally loses it. I think this is my favorite line of all: “You Got The Real Deal and No In Between, TRICK or TREAT, and You Be Too! Ha Ha Ha” It’s just downright maniacal. I don’t think this message was composed anywhere near Halloween, so the TRICK or TREAT part is totally lost on me, not to mention the “and You Be Too!” part, which leads me to believe that the man fell in the middle of typing this line, hit his head, and couldn’t think straight enough to finish it out completely.

Here’s to you, REAL TRUE AIRBORNE GANGSTER. And here’s to you, Amaris. Happy birthday.