Christmas Questionnaire!

My beloved friend Rachel sent this to me, and gosh-darnit, there was just no way I could pass it up. But since I hate feeling like I am spamming people with stuff like this, I figured I’d just put it here…where the people who will love me no matter what come to see what’s going on. Here you go!

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping paper, but I’m not good at it, so my laziness often wins out, and people get their gifts in bags even though I really prefer the paper. I have also been known to wrap presents in grocery bags (paper and plastic), paper towels, actual towels, toilet paper and fabric scraps. Creative tapelessness solutions are another story.

2. Real tree or Artificial?
I have had the same artificial tree since my sophomore year in college, and it still looks great! Ooooo! Time to plug it in!!

3. When do you put up the tree?
As soon as it is socially acceptable.

4. When do you take the tree down?
I try to get it down before my birthday.

5. Do you like eggnog?
SOYnog. With Disaronno. Rum schmum. Amaretto’s the way to go!

6. Favorite gift received as a child?
Savings bonds, without a doubt. Actually, those turned out to be a REALLY great gift later, but we didn’t fully appreciate it at the time. I remember getting a scooter one year that I rode around the living room. That was pretty awesome.

7. Hardest person to buy for?
My mom, who will never tell us what she wants (hint, hint).

8. Easiest person to buy for?
Annabelle, because she doesn’t know the difference. And Rachel, because she’ll love it no matter what.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?
I don’t. Hey, maybe if I did, I could arrange it any way I wanted to, and then I’d have it all out of my system by the time I got to my parents’ house. Then perhaps their baby Jesus would stay in his manger and off of the roof. Something to look into…

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Real mail is always far superior to email. Except when bills are involved. Then no mail is good mail.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
I have no idea. I can’t remember anyone giving me a particularly bad gift. At least not with me in mind. I have, of course, received bad gifts from such gift exchange games as “Dirty Santa” (aka “White Elephant”), but I don’t think those really count.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie Movies?
Oooooo…I have to pick just one? Nope! Watch this. I’m going to change the question. HaHA!! How do you like THAT? You didn’t even see it happen did you? To you, it looks like it was always that way. That’s the beauty of time travel, my friends. Mwaahahahaha…

ANYhoe, ELF, Christmas Vacation and Love Actually all top the list.

17. Favorite Christmas song(s)?
“Deck the Halls (in 7/8),” “O Holy Night” and “O Come, O Come Emmanuel”

But for replacing all the “yous” with “Jews,” NOTHING beats “Sleigh Ride.”

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Travel? Who said travel? I’m packed. Where are we going?

19. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer’s?
Duh.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
I have a star that I think topped my family’s tree for many a year during my childhood. I love it.

21. Open presents on Christmas Eve or morning?
We open ONE on Christmas Eve after we get back from church, and we open the rest on Christmas morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
All Christmas music, all the time. Don’t get me wrong now. I LOVE Christmas music. But ALL day? Every day? For over a month? That is too much, radio station!

23. Favorite Ornament theme or color?
For the past few years, I have had a blue, purple and silver tree, and it is lovely.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
You mean what to eat or whom to invite?

25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
Oh, I am SO glad you asked! I have no idea. Have to get back to you on that one.

day off to-do list

1. Sleep in
2. Greet plumber in jabambas with morning breath
3. See that plumbing problems get repaired
4. Run away with plumber for Vegas wedding
5. Decide somewhere over Kansas that plumber and I are not meant to be
6. Parachute out
7. Visit HP while in Kansas
8. Shower
9. Make Thanksgiving grocery list and cooking guide
10. Purchase necessary groceries
11. Prep Cranberry-Apple Casserole
12. Bake Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cupcakes (prep Cinnamon Icing)
13. Giggle at silly pictures
14. Work on some half-written articles
15. Do some ddo editing
16. Chat online
17. Eat an english muffin with pumpkin butter
18. Be thankful for having day off
19. Dream of being professional writer and always having the option of running off with various service men without having to “take off” of work
20. Twitter

Ok, let’s see. So far, I have completed items 1-3, 8-9, 13-16 and 18-20! Man, what a productive day! Now I’m going to do 17 and then 10-12.

“Black Velvet” and other Christmas favorites

Well, so far, I think only Lauren and one other person think that this is a good idea, and Lauren was in on the development stages of this ridiculousness, so…we need some more input. It’s been mostly negative thus far. Here’s the deal.

Around Christmastime, it is not uncommon to hear a commotion on your lawn and look out to see a group of neighbors and their friends singing. But as much as we all love Christmas carols, wouldn’t it be even more fun to have a group of neighbors and their friends singing Top 40 hits?! I know what you’re going to say. “Silly girl,” you’ll say, “Christmas caroling is only for Christmas songs. If you want to sing Blaze of Glory or (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, do it some other time in the year, not at Christmas.”

Yes, but it’s not natural for people to go round singing at other people’s houses at any other time. Now is the time to do it! The whole idea was born out of an idea to sing non-traditional Christmas carols: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Jingle Bells (Batman smells, Robin laid an egg), We Three Kings of Orient Are (puffing on a rubber cigar), that kind of thing. Then we thought Hey, if we’re singing non-traditional caroling songs, why sing Christmas songs at all? Let’s just give the people what they want - Bonnie Raitt.

So imagine your doorbell rings one cold winter evening. You pull yourself out from under your warm Slanket and pad to the door in your fuzzy slippers, hoping you’re not about to be burgled. Lo and behold, there is a cheery mob on your lawn. What do you want them to sing? Good King Wenceslas? Or Father Figure?

I’m talking about doing it up right, now. Do not be fooled. I’m talkin’ full on Norman Rockwell painting, songbooks in hand, mittens and hats, rosy cheeks, three- or four-part harmony Hot For Teacher. Mmmbop. How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends? Against All Odds. Don’t Stop Believing. 9 to 5. What do you say? Can we count on some Figgy Newmans and a cup of good cheer at your house this holiday season?

from KimSko

It just doesn’t occur to me sometimes that I say bizarre things that people who don’t know me might think are…very weird. For example, I got the following message on my facebook wall yesterday, and it cracked me up for about an hour. I don’t know Kim’s boss, and he does not know me. And I think if I ever met the dude, he’d be a tad afraid, having been introduced to Twitter by me announcing to the internets that “My genitals are…unavailable.” Enjoy.

So, I was explaining Twitter to my boss yesterday and I used yours as an example. Here’s how the conversation went:
Me: “Basically, you just write short sentences about what you’re doing or thinking”
Him: (reading your twitter) “My genitals are…”
Me: “Oh, maybe this wasn’t a good example”
Him: (paraphrasing) “I just changed clothes while driving on I-40″
silence
Him: “so, you just basically write weird stuff?”
Ha ha ha! Gotta love it!

FREE TV TABLE!!!!

Does anyone want this beautiful, FREE TV table that my friend Heather is GIVING AWAY?!? Do you live in Raleigh? Can you pick it up? If so, let me know. The first responder is the winner!!!!!

alas…

I’ll have to regale you with the tale of ‘A Non-Christmas Carol’ later as I am still gathering data. In the meantime, I wish, oh I WISH I could tell you about the conversation Whitney and I had earlier. I can’t because it would make people uncomfortable, but suffice it to say that it involved me denying any knowledge of or engagement in any laughter ever, Whitney suggesting that I am tickled (literally…not tickled as in ‘amused’) with some regularity (and in a…uh…flirty sense), and Vladimir Putin.

I’ll just leave the rest to your imagination.

Why Being Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride Is Actually WAY BETTER!

I’m-a just put it in a bullet-point list.

• sassy necklaces
• lots of dresses (ahem…excuse to shop) I can put on later and laugh about
• not having to plan a wedding
• not having to pay for a wedding
• an iPod shuffle
• not having to live with a boy and all his boy-stank
• not having to spend a thousand dollars on a dress you will definitely only wear once
• having an excuse to get yo’ herrr and yo’ nails did
• a vintage brooch
• getting to be behind the scenes at the wedding
• not having to be in ALL the pictures, but getting to ham it up just a little
• getting escorted by gentlemen in tuxedos
• priority seating (and food service order) at the reception
• getting to support and serve your best friends as they make one of the biggest decisions of their lives and experience all the changes that accompany it
• all the fun, none of the stress

Next time on Onward Hoe!: Changing the Way the World Goes Christmas Caroling

even though I feel bad, I shan’t apologize

I don’t want every post to start out with an apology. I don’t even want some of them to start that way, come to think of it. I just want us to enjoy each other, so when I fail to post anything for a week, I’m not going to start out by apologizing when I come back. I’m just going to say that I missed you, and I hope you missed me, and we have SO much to talk about, and oh my this soup’s delicious!!

For starters, let me explain something to you that seems to have caused some confusion and worry among my faithful Twitter followers. My roommates and I are…silly comic genius. We have, without planning or even trying really, developed some “characters” that show up periodically in our conversations.

There’s “Unfortunate Prayer Voice,” who really needs a better name. She started when Whitney was mocking me one day in a bizarre voice that sounds absolutely nothing like any human being I’ve ever heard before. I protested, saying that the voice was in no way evocative of my own, and was therefore prohibited for use in mockery of me. If you want to make fun of me by imitation, you can do a ridiculous song and dance, you can giggle when you’re about to tell an amusing anecdote, or you can make a story about ten minutes longer than necessary. But at least use a human voice.

Then there’s “Crazy Prospector,” and I’m not really sure where he came from. I think he started out only as a voice that Lauren used when inquiring after the whereabouts of Whitney. He may be kin to Clucky, the Cluckin’ Chicken.

And finally, there’s “the Conscientious Thug.” Again, I’m not sure where this guy came from, but we believe him to be a cross between “Prison Mike” and Mr. T, and he’s exactly what his name implies - a super-nice guy who always puts others ahead of himself, and who also happens to be a thug. Well, Lauren and I had taken Dooley out the other night, and whilst we were in the yard (we just walked him to the mailbox and back), Whitney tried to call both of us. When we didn’t answer, she became alarmed. Luckily, when we came back inside, I returned her call and assuaged her fears. But upon her arrival at home, Whitney had a message for us from the Conscientious Thug. He said, “It was nice of you to take your roommate’s dog out, but you should always take your cell phone with you for safety just in case you run into someone like me.” That’s sound advice. Thanks, Conscientious Thug.

Next up…Why Being Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride Is Actually WAY BETTER!

Friday at last, Friday at LAST!

Thank God Almighty, it’s FRIDAY AT LAST! Man. It has been some kind of WEEK. I honestly couldn’t even tell you where all the time has gone, but I’ve felt just ridiculously busy. So much so that I have failed to regale you with anything interesting since last Friday! For that, I apologize. I hope that you’ve gotten more done at work this week without Onward Hoe! to distract you from your responsibilities. Let’s see if I can catch you up on the exciting things that have happened.

First of all, Jill got married. It was sweet and beautiful, and she played the fiddle at her own reception. Because she’s awesome. Then I caught the bouquet, and Guthrie (her new hubby) ran over a traffic cone in their get-away vehicle. With all his wedding guests watching. Good times, good friends, good fun.

Then, there was a lot of teaching. And I started going to bed earlier so I could spend a few minutes writing every night in addition to my nightly reading. It’s been off to a bumpy start, but habits take a while to form. I’ll get there.

I had a date last night with Whitney. She ate dinner (I’d already eaten), and then we went on a field trip to Target and Lowe’s Foods. They share a parking lot, which was convenient because we were in a hurry to get back, finish our OK! Magazine article on the Madonna/Guy Ritchie split, and watch The Office. So we went to Target first, returned a sweater I’d purchased, then flew across the parking lot to Lowe’s Foods. It was dark, and you know how those parking lots are. There are little islands everywhere, and you never can tell exactly where the exits are. They’re like mazes sometimes. So I was driving quickly while trying to make sure I didn’t hit anything, which sparked the following conversation:

Whitney: You seem a little unsure of where you’re going.
Me: (Rabidly) A LITTLE NIGHT BLINDNESS NEVER HURT NOBODY!

We both survived, by the way.

When we got home, we watched The Office while peeling grapes for the “Haunted Classroom” my students put on today. The grapes, in the dark, feel like eyeballs. It is very disgusting. We also watched 30 Rock for the first time, and I have to say, I’m hooked already (DLF, you were right). Whoever writes for Alec Baldwin’s character is a freaking genius. I mean, the part where he was talking about the Dora the Explorer underwear that were clearly made for an obese child…that was amazing.

Last night, I had a dream that I married my friend Jim, except I wasn’t actually at the ceremony. I just asked him about it later. He said it had all gone well. He’d said “I do” and everything.

So then today,  my class set up and put on “Haunted Classroom 2008.” They’d spent a large part of Thursday planning it, and then when they came in this morning, it was all I could do to keep them on task for the first hour and a half before it was time to start setting the thing up. And by “on task,” I mean learning vocabulary and putting the lyrics to “Thriller” in order.

Anyway, at 10:30, we stopped “working” and started getting the diddy ready, and by 11:30, we had creepy sounds, cobwebs everywhere, the windows blacked out, skeletons hanging from the ceiling, severed heads on every table, a Taiwanese mummy, an Argentinian witch, a Ukrainian demon bar wench, a Tibetan monk vampire, a Hungarian ghost monster, several multicultural under-the-table goblins, and a Korean clown (handing out candy at the exit). I tell you, friends, it was a thing of beauty.

So after the long break, I put on the werewolf mask and hands they’d brought for me and went around to all the other classes, one by one, inviting them to come experience “HAUNTED CLASSROOM.” And surprisingly enough, people were actually freaked out by it. And my students had a BALL. They all felt, afterwards, as though they were truly ready for their first (in most cases) American Halloween. And that’s what I’m all about, y’all. Preparing them to enter the culture. Normally, I would teach them more Mary Kay-approved makeup techniques than covering one’s face in green eye shadow, but that’ll have to be another lesson. Maybe for when the Tibetan monk is absent.

28 down! 67 to go!

On the radio yesterday morning, they were talking about the things you should do if you want to live to 100. I thought it was interesting, and that I had a pretty decent shot at making it to the triple digits except for maybe one thing. I don’t remember what the one thing was now, though. Oh. Probably exercise. Anyhoe, I was trying to find the list online when I came across The Longevity Game. It’s especially fun if you put in all the worst possible answers and watch what happens to your little “representative.” If you play it, make sure you click all the possible answers just to see what happens before selecting the real answer and moving on. It’s pretty entertaining, and really enlightening to watch the age forecast change with each answer.

And if you did the math, according to the game, I’m going to live to 95, barring all freak accidents, terminal illnesses, etc., of course. I don’t know. On the one hand, I think I should really just slow down and enjoy every little bit of life because I’ve got plenty of time. I don’t need to be rushing from one thing to the next. But on the other hand, I’m almost a third of the way to dead, and I’m thinking I really need to live it up!

Maybe a combination of both is the ticket. Live it up AND enjoy every last second of it. Yes. That sounds nice. So…when can I move to Egypt? Or Turkey? Or the Czech Replublic? Italy, Spain, France or the UK? Brazil, Mexico, Honduras or Ecuador. Maybe even California or Canada would suffice. I’m just ready to go. There’s so much of the world that I want to experience, and I hate that there are so many obstacles to doing it. I’m not quite sure how to get around them all without becoming a total vagrant. Part of me says, “Be responsible with your money so you have something for the future,” while the other part argues, “Screw it. You don’t get to take it with you anyway.”

“But you don’t want to die because you failed to plan,” says Responsibility.

“It’s not dying,” says Free Spirit. “It’s going to be with Jesus for eternity! But before you get there, you may as well have some fun!”

“True, true,” replies Responsibility, “but that somehow just seems…dangerous.”

Feeling she’s getting to the root of the issue, Free Spirit asks, “So this is about fear, then?”

“Well I don’t like to call it that,” defends Responsibility.

“What do you like to call it?” Free Spirit pushes.

“Responsibility, of course.”

“Poppycock,” retorts Free Spirit, spitting inadvertently and not caring. “You’re just chicken.”

“Maybe,” says Responsibility, putting on her best quiet cool, “but either you’re chicken too, or I’m stronger than you, because we haven’t done much in the risk-taking department for quite a while.”

Ladies, ladies, please. Calm down. Was that weird? Maybe just a little? Sorry about that. It’s just the ever-present debate going on inside me. The thing is, I don’t just want to go on an adventure. It’s more than that. I want to do something big with the 67 years I’ve got left (if I’m lucky), something that requires supernatural intervention if it’s going to get done, something more beautiful and magnificent than I could ever dream of. And what I’m doing now - well it doesn’t so much fit into that category.

Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. I love my students, I love my roommates, I love all of the things I’m involved with here. But apart from my never ending battle with time management, my life here is not a challenge. I want to push myself into complete dependence on God, but I know myself, and I know I can’t will it to happen. I have to place myself in circumstances that will require it. I just need a clear vision of those circumstances, and that’s where I find myself now - in the waiting room.

Any advice, internet?