This morning, I went on my first solo run. Up til now, I’ve always gone jogging with at least one Josh, but Whitney’s out of town, and Lauren was hanging with her family, so today I went by myself. To keep myself on track with the timing, I downloaded a podcast designed specifically to help people with Couch to 5k programs. Each week, you listen to a different episode, and the lady on the recording tells you when to run and when to walk. She also plays upbeat music for you and tells you you’re doing a great job.

My lady is called Chubby Jones. I think her real name is Mia, but she tells you she’s chubby to make you feel better about being chubby. She also is kind of chubby, probably due to the fact that she’s just a normal gal who likes to jog. She’s not a health nut who talks to you the whole time about eating fruit and counting calories. She talks to you about how she’d rather dance than walk and how she likes to drink. A lot. I like her for that – not that she likes to drink, but that she’s not one of those women who’s naturally a size 4 and thinks everyone can be a size 4 if they work hard enough at it. Chubby and I are never going to be a size 4. I would be over-the-moon ecstatic with a size 8 and super-duper proud of a 10. I think Chubby would be proud of me for that too.

Anyhoe, today’s run was definitely harder than usual, but that could be due to one or more of the following factors:

• It’s more humid today than it was on Saturday when I did week 3 for the first time.
• I ate breakfast before I ran. I haven’t done that in the past.
• Chubby Jones didn’t give me any 3-minute walks. I alternated 90-second runs and 3-minute runs with only 90-second walks between each.
• I didn’t have anyone to talk to.
• I only had one day of rest between runs.
• I have a bit of chest congestion.

However, I am very proud to report that I finished it, which means that (not counting the warm-up and cool-down) I walked for 6 minutes and ran for 9. Yep, yep! I’m now running more than I’m walking (not counting the warm-up and cool-down)!! Apparently, the next step includes running for 16 minutes and only walking for like 5, but my body cannot even comprehend that right now, so I’m not going to think about it any more.

One step at a time, friends. One step at a time.

I know I haven’t updated y’all in a while on my running, and that’s mainly because I haven’t really been running. However, I have taken two salsa lessons and done some yoga, so I’m not completely just lounging around. Lauren and I went running this morning, though, and I am proud to report that I can run for three whole minutes at a time! Did you know that was possible? I surely did not. Whitney can apparently do FIVE minutes at a time (She’s an overachiever and had already gotten up, finished her run, come back home and showered before Lauren and I got dressed.), so she’s ahead of me, but that’s ok. We’ve still got like five months before the race. I’ll catch up.

I was talking to a co-worker who runs marathons a couple of weeks ago, and she said that when she does a marathon, she runs for three minutes and walks for one minute, and she just repeats that the whole way. That sounds good to me, although I’ll be ok with running for three and walking for two if that’s as far as I get in the training. The walking is enough time to catch your breath, but not so much that your body believes you’re in cool-down mode thus making the next running time come as a shock. And now that I know I can run for three minutes, I’m starting to feel like this thing is actually possible.

Of course, today we did two 3-minute runs and two 90-second runs with 3-minute and 90-second walks in between. And we also only did all that for about half an hour, so we definitely need to work on our stamina, but still, the more I train, the easier it is to believe that I’ll be able to do it. And shoot. We’ve got five months. We’re golden.

Oh my gosh remember when I turned 30?? Yeah, it’s a little fuzzy for me too. But here are some pictures:

Many people came to celebrate my birth. And celebrate, we did, with tasty, tasty Asian food. Afterward, we went to see Shutter Island. It was not good, but the celebration was.

G.Lover and I made a series of silly faces. This one was my favorite. I like that G.Lover. She sho do love her some Gs.

(Y)ummmm…

I aged and still have great lung capacity!!! And also, I am extra-great at looking creepy and maniacal. Hooray!

Oh hey! My half-birthday is coming up in a week or two. Perhaps we should celebrate some more?

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s Twiggy!!!

Look at him go! Actually, I think they said this was like Twiggy #9 or something like that, and he was a girl, but I still call her a he. I don’t know why. I just feel like Twiggy is a boy even though there was that model named Twiggy, and she was a girl, and even though they told us several times that Twiggy the squirrel was a girl. Anyhoe. We went to this boat show specifically because Twiggy was going to be there, but before the he did his thing, we wandered around and climbed on boats.

I got seasick…

…because JBeau was driving like a maniac.

But then we went to see Twiggy, and I felt better. Here he goes!!

And after the show, we got to go backstage and meet the star. He wasn’t signing autographs, but we got a picture with him!

Hey, remember when I couldn’t find the USB cord for my camera to upload all my pictures, and that’s why I haven’t really shown y’all any pictures in the last 6 months? Well, I found it, which means we now have a LOT of catching up to do. Let’s start with pictures from the New Year’s Eve Ugly Sweater party I went to. Be prepared to be amazed. And also, know that the absolute most horrible sweater you’ll see is one I found at Goodwill in Asheville that morning. You’ll know it when you see it.

These guys apparently didn’t fully understand the purpose of an ugly sweater party, but the 80s track suits are still beyond entertaining. We nicknamed them DJ and Rerun Rogers.

Here we have Rerun and his wife Reba. I wish you could see her sweater better. It was quite bad. Many textures involved.

There it is. Man, that sweater was AWFUL. Oh, and he’s making that face because he’s doing an impression of a redneck girl his sister encountered in the bathroom of a bar once. The redneck girl was, according to his sister, at least 75 pounds overweight and wearing cotton (like sweatpants) shorts and a tank top. The sister was hanging out in the bathroom trying to get away from some skeezy dude who’d been hitting on her all night, and she struck up a conversation with this redneck girl and her friend. In the course of the conversation, the redneck girl says to Andy’s sister, “You know what? I just farted, and you didn’t even know it.” And then, as if that weren’t weird enough, the conversation continued until a few minutes later when she said, “You know what? I just farted again, and you didn’t even know it again.” In this photo, Andy is in the middle of saying, “You know what?” And he’s doing an excellent impersonation as far as I can tell.

I honestly couldn’t tell you what exactly was going on here. Just know that (a) I am not drunk, (b) Andy is not in an Olan Mills photo shoot, (c) Andy’s hand is not in an inappropriate place even though that’s what it looks like, and (d) there were a bunch of other people at this party. I just don’t have any really good pictures of them. Oh, and also, “Reba Rogers” referred to my sweater all night as “Gifts of Pleasure.”

Happy New Year!! Tomorrow, we’ll take a look back at Twiggy, the Water-skiing Squirrel!

I know it looks like I’m just not blogging as much lately, but what’s really happening is that I’m giving you extra time to prepare yourselves for the awesomeness that’s about to come your way. That’s right, friends. I’ve found the USB cord for my camera, so I’ve just uploaded LOTS and lots of amazing pictures. I can’t show you any of them right now because I’m at work, and all the pictures are on my computer at home. HOE-ever, get ready because over the next week or two, you’ll be seeing pictures from:

• New Year’s 2010
• My birthday
• Twiggy, the water-skiing squirrel
• Yesterday’s encounter with Zach Galifianakis

Oh yeah, did I mention I met Zach Galifianakis yesterday? And that he loves me? He said so himself. In my high school yearbook. Amazing.

Hopefully all of this will begin tomorrow, but then I can’t promise that I’ll have anything else to say to you until next week because this weekend is my family reunion. But hey, that means you’ll get to see family reunion pictures too! Lucky you!! You can’t wait, I know, but here at Onward Hoe!, we’re all about practicing patience, aren’t we? Yes we are.

Oh, but I do need to tell you about my 2nd day of 1/2 marathon training, which happened this morning. Lauren took the day off of work today to get some things done, so we went for a little walk/jog. Now, she’d done the same interval training we did last time a few times, so she bumped it up a notch. I had only done the one routine, but I wanted to try running with her anyway, so I too bumped it up a notch, and I was successful!

This time, we started with a brisk, 5-minute walk to warm up. Then we alternated running for 90 seconds and walking for two minutes. We did this six times, and then we cooled down for five minutes. The first run was the hardest this time. We really felt that extra 30 seconds, and I think we both needed to loosen up a little bit. The second run was a little easier, and the third was hard again, but THEN we figured out how to do it.

All through the running times, we just told ourselves (out loud) that we were as light as a feather, that it was the easiest thing we’d ever done, that we had bionic gazelle legs, that it didn’t even feel like we were doing anything at all, and that it was even less effort than sitting on the couch. And y’all. Miraculously, this worked. I for one knew we were lying to ourselves, but it totally worked. I think it had something to do with keeping your mind occupied by something other than the hatred you feel for running or how much longer you have to do it. And I found that talking through the running was actually encouraging because it proved to me that I could talk and run at once, which meant I was still ok. I wasn’t dying.

So I probably need to do this routine a few more times before bumping up to the next interval, but once again, it was not that bad, I survived, and I’m still mobile. Hooray!

Well, you’ll never believe it, but Josh and Josh and I got up and went running this morning. Now, by “got up,” I mean “woke up naturally,” and by “running,” I mean “running and walking, but mostly walking.” But still, for me, that’s pretty miraculous.

Lauren started doing this “Couch to 5K” running program, and Whitney and I have now joined her. Today was my first day, although Lauren had done it a few days already, and Whitney joined her on Tuesday. It wasn’t too awful. We warmed up walking for five minutes, then we alternated running for one minute and walking for 90 seconds. We did that maybe six times? Then we cooled down walking for another five or ten minutes. We were out there in all for about half an hour.

I was really surprised how short the first minute of jogging felt. Then I was equally surprised how long the last minute of jogging felt, but knowing that it was the last one helped. Mostly, I was a little surprised that I did the whole thing having not worked out AT ALL in a long time. A really long time. So if you’re thinking that you’ve gotten flabby lately, and you need to exercise, but you either hate or can’t afford the gym, I’m here to tell you that you can do this. I am not a runner by any means, but I’ve now lived to tell about it.

So I want to keep doing this to build up running stamina, but I’m also going to do some other things to train. I’ve got two private lessons at Arthur Murray coming my way and that pole dancing class. And then, once I start getting paid, I think I’m going to join the Y and hit up some Zumba classes.

Hooray for not dying in middle-age of heart disease!!

It’s been a good day so far. I woke up after dreaming that I was at an art camp. I think I dreamed this because I read this last night before I went to bed. Anyhoe, I was at this art camp, and I needed supplies, and then I stumbled across a supply room that didn’t have anything I needed. So I think I gave up on art and went to the cafeteria. And I guess it was parents’ weekend at art camp or something because everybody’s families were there. And the brother of the guy in front of me was way cute and flirting with me. And as I was flirting back, my mom walked up and got in line with me. And then the cute guy asked me if I wanted to go eat candy in his truck with him, and I said, “Yes, yes I do, only I’m not so sure about the truck. But I’ll sit on a bench with you or something.”

Then I woke up and thought, I love it when cute guys find me desirable. Good dream.

Then I tried to scan some documents that prove my relationship to George Washington (yes THE George Washington) and my descent from a 12th century British king, but alas, I couldn’t get Whitney’s scanner to work, so I just read through the documents for a while, and that’s how I found out I’m related to G.W. and Ynir King of Gwentland.

Then I tweeted about it.

Then I wrote an article about two-letter Scrabble words that will probably not help me beat Whitney or my mom or the Beattys (or anyone else for that matter) at Scrabble. It’s the spatial aspect I find challenging, not the words. I can make some words. I just don’t know where to put them. You have to be good at words AND Tetris to dominate in Scrabble, and I am unfortunately only gifted in the former.

But the article is done.

So then I made some Punjab Choley and couscous for lunch and watched 30 Rock for a little while, which was, of course, wonderful. It was the one where Liz follows Floyd into the AA meeting where he spills his guts about his trust issues, and then she tells him all her weird stuff to make it up to him.

And she has some WEIRD stuff.

And while I was watching 30 Rock, a Census2010 worker came to the door to ask me some questions about the occupants of this house on April 1, which I answered not knowing that L-Josh had already mailed in their Census2010 form. So I don’t know why he had to come over here and interrupt my 30 Rock/catch me still in my jabambas at 2:30 in the p.m., but I’ve decided that if anyone catches me not yet dressed that late in the day again, I’m just going to open the door saying, “I’m a freelancer. I work from home. I have actually earned money today.”

Or I could just shower and get dressed in the morning.

Then I took a shower, and while I was in there, I had a revelation about the plot of my Neil Diamond musical, I Am…I Said. I can’t tell you about it yet because it’s still not fully formed, but I CAN say that things have been enormously simplified, and the main character and I now have a lot more in common, which is going to make it much easier to write.

And also, I’m clean.

When I was packing to move this most recent time, I was shocked to find out that if you start packing a month in advance and make steady progress right up until moving day, your stuff never multiplies. This surprised me because it always multiplies. Always. I thought I’d found the solution to the problem of crap multiplication! And then I started unpacking.

The problem, see, is that if it doesn’t multiply on one end, it WILL do so on the other end. I moved a week and a half ago, and I’m still opening boxes and going, “What is THIS?” And at this point, I really begin to question whether I need these things or not. Probably not. If my plan upon opening the box is just to stick it fully-packed in the top of my closet until somebuddy moves out and I can take over her room, then I have to doubt my need for those items. If, after 6 months, I have not looked at those things or thought about them; if indeed I have no idea what they are, I should just take the whole box, unopened, to Goodwill and be done with it.

This is the new plan. And it is now my life’s goal to defeat crap multiplication in both the packing and unpacking stages of moving. Maybe I’ll start a non-profit.

I almost feel like I’ve snuck into Asheville, and now I’m getting ready to sneak back out. I finished up the semester tonight with no big fanfare or emotion. Just some certificates and paperwork and a couple of hugs. I loaded my books and my games into the trunk of my car, and I drove the 30 miles home for the last time. And what a relief that thought is! Seriously, y’all, I was not made for commuting. I can’t tell you how happy I am about driving 15 minutes to work through town instead of 30-35 minutes to work on the interstate.

Tomorrow will be different as I say good-bye to friends and see all my earthly possessions once again loaded up into the back of a truck, but I suppose I’ll deal with that then. For now, I’m going to aloe up my still-burnt legs and hit the hay, for tomorrow, the moving begins.