Friends, I have seen the future. They have it posted on a bulletin board at the IHOP on Capital Blvd. I mean, prepare yourselves because this kind of information should not be taken lightly. I don’t believe we are meant to know the future in such great detail. I think it changes the way we approach life and is just not natural. But I found this photo to be quite comforting. Just knowing that on February 1, 2035 OR January 2 if we’ve switched over to the way the rest of the world does it (which I guess would be called 2 January at that time), the IHOP dishwashers will still be at it, the uniforms will not have changed, and no one’s jobs will have been replaced by robots – well, that gives me a sense of great peace. Have a look for yourselves, and tell me how it makes you feel.
This is the kind of first week back to work I can handle, y’all, and I’ve only been off for a week, although it feels like a lot longer what with all the driving.
I’m sure my feelings stem largely from the fact that I know I’m on my way out. I don’t have to gear up for an entire semester; I’m just helping out for a few weeks. That mental preparation, or lack thereof, is what makes going back to work so hard. Not to mention getting together an entire forest’s worth of worksheets, hand-outs and song lyrics to send off to the copy shop. No, I’ll take this version of back-to-school any day. So far, my first day back has looked like this:
- Wake up at 7:30 and take dog out (I’m dog-sitting, by the way, and living downtown for the week if anybody in the Bloodworth area wants to go for a walk or something.)
- Go back to bed for two hours.
- Wake up again and stare at the ceiling for several minutes.
- Roll out of bed and move to couch.
- Steal neighbor’s internet connection.
- Chat with boss online.
- Write an article and a half.
- Eat lunch with friends who also have bizarre work schedules.
- Eat Rubix Cube birthday cake left over from Saturday’s ’80s party
“Where’s the back-to-school in that?” you may be asking. Well, this week, I’m only working nights, so I don’t have to be anywhere for a few more hours still, and even that is not going to be real work. It’s “Dinner With the Dean.” Now, as some of you know, the dean and the vice president of continuing education and I have had plenty of meetings in the past year or so for reasons we shan’t go into now. Suffice it to say that the dean and I go way back, and I’m going tonight for the free food and the $15 they’re going to pay me.
And maybe I’ll pop by Staples later and treat myself to some new pens!
You see? You see what happens when I don’t get my blogging done early? It doesn’t get done at all. I spend all day working on an article and chatting with various wonderful people and drinking tea and eating delicious, experimental, homemade, vegan food, and before you know it, it’s 2:00 in the morning, and at that point, friends, it’s no longer Friday. Friday is gone, and I haven’t blogged at all. Not that I had anything good to say, really. But I’ma say this now.
I am TOTALLY STOKED to be going to an ’80s party tonight!! Heck yeah, bring on the Brucci, baby!!! For those of you who’ve never been to an ’80s party with me, I found this amazingly hideous pink lipstick several years ago in a New York City Rite Aid, and I always use it when I want to get that bitchin’ 1986 vibe going. The color is called “pink ice,” and the brand is Brucci, so you know it put me out about 79 cents (plus tax). At some point, my friend HP and I just began referring to it as “the Brucci” (pronounced BREW-chee, of course, just like Gucci…just exactly like Gucci).
I’ll also be busting out the fabulously enormous tulle skirt my sister made for me for another ’80s party I attended around the same time I found the Brucci. And of course, my denim jacket. Now, where on earth did I put all my buttons??
First of all, I can’t wait to see the jump in page views with a title like that. And more importantly, how soon is too soon to start counting down the days until I leave for Italy as opposed to the weeks? Because I’m going to be IN ITALY exactly five weeks from now, which means I leave exactly five weeks from yesterday, which, by my calculations, is 35 and 34 days respectively. Is that too many days? Can I go ahead and make one of those paper chain-a-majigs and start tearing one off each day? Is there a more grown-up way to go about this? Or at least a more eco-friendly way? Ooo! I wonder if there’s some sort of countdown widget I could install here that would do it for me. I’m SURE that there has to be. Even if I have to get one that counts down until my (nonexistant) baby is born, that’ll be fine. Y’all can just imagine that the growing fetus is the Mediterranean coast growing larger and larger as I get closer to living on it.
And then you can all vomit to make up for the morning sickness that I didn’t experience with my non-pregnancy. And THEN, I’ll go to Italy and get all fat on pasta and cannolis, which is exactly the opposite of what’s supposed to happen AFTER you give birth, but since I’m doing the exact opposite of giving birth, that makes sense.
Wait, what would the exact opposite of giving birth be? I was just thinking it would be not giving birth, but I suppose it could mean murder. I’m not doing that, for the record. You hear that, American police, Italian police, FBI, INTERPOL, SPECTRE? I’m NOT murdering anyone. But I may kill myself slowly with wine and lots and LOTS of carbs.
IN 35 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!