Field Day of Dreams

Just before I woke up, I dreamed that I was sitting outside on a bench. It was a big, round bench with a big, round, wooden block in the middle, and there were people sitting all over it. They wanted me to come up with some kind of game that we could all play together while we waited for…something I don’t remember. So, playfully, I tackled the main instigator of the game challenge, Mario Lopez, and forced him to participate in the creation of the game by jumping on his back and announcing that we were going to play “Pair Tag.”

How it worked, you see, was that Mario and I were “it,” and everybody else had to run around holding hands with their partner. If Mario and I tagged one half of a pair, that half was out, and the other half had to continue the game crawling. This sounds unfair for the crawler, but have you ever tried to bend over with someone on your back? It is difficult, and you do not want to fall down with someone on your back. Believe me. I took a tumble with a back passenger once.

We were sort of making up rules as we went. We’d tag someone, and then they’d want to know, “So, wait…Are we both out now?” And that’s when the crawling rule came in. But then everyone was just standing there, so we ran around and tagged them all, and then they pretended like they hadn’t really been playing, or that they were already out when we tagged them. I think they were just bored with the game and wanted it to be over. Or maybe I was ready for the dream to be over. Or maybe they were all being spoilsports because they were jealous that I was riding on Mario Lopez’s back.

WhatEVer, dream people. You don’t get to come to my next dream field day. So what if it’s just me and Mario doing a three-legged race all by ourselves? We’ll win then, too, just like we did when you were there. We will have to practice our water balloon toss, though.

“Black Velvet” and other Christmas favorites

Well, so far, I think only Lauren and one other person think that this is a good idea, and Lauren was in on the development stages of this ridiculousness, so…we need some more input. It’s been mostly negative thus far. Here’s the deal.

Around Christmastime, it is not uncommon to hear a commotion on your lawn and look out to see a group of neighbors and their friends singing. But as much as we all love Christmas carols, wouldn’t it be even more fun to have a group of neighbors and their friends singing Top 40 hits?! I know what you’re going to say. “Silly girl,” you’ll say, “Christmas caroling is only for Christmas songs. If you want to sing Blaze of Glory or (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, do it some other time in the year, not at Christmas.”

Yes, but it’s not natural for people to go round singing at other people’s houses at any other time. Now is the time to do it! The whole idea was born out of an idea to sing non-traditional Christmas carols: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, Jingle Bells (Batman smells, Robin laid an egg), We Three Kings of Orient Are (puffing on a rubber cigar), that kind of thing. Then we thought Hey, if we’re singing non-traditional caroling songs, why sing Christmas songs at all? Let’s just give the people what they want - Bonnie Raitt.

So imagine your doorbell rings one cold winter evening. You pull yourself out from under your warm Slanket and pad to the door in your fuzzy slippers, hoping you’re not about to be burgled. Lo and behold, there is a cheery mob on your lawn. What do you want them to sing? Good King Wenceslas? Or Father Figure?

I’m talking about doing it up right, now. Do not be fooled. I’m talkin’ full on Norman Rockwell painting, songbooks in hand, mittens and hats, rosy cheeks, three- or four-part harmony Hot For Teacher. Mmmbop. How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends? Against All Odds. Don’t Stop Believing. 9 to 5. What do you say? Can we count on some Figgy Newmans and a cup of good cheer at your house this holiday season?

alas…

I’ll have to regale you with the tale of ‘A Non-Christmas Carol’ later as I am still gathering data. In the meantime, I wish, oh I WISH I could tell you about the conversation Whitney and I had earlier. I can’t because it would make people uncomfortable, but suffice it to say that it involved me denying any knowledge of or engagement in any laughter ever, Whitney suggesting that I am tickled (literally…not tickled as in ‘amused’) with some regularity (and in a…uh…flirty sense), and Vladimir Putin.

I’ll just leave the rest to your imagination.

even though I feel bad, I shan’t apologize

I don’t want every post to start out with an apology. I don’t even want some of them to start that way, come to think of it. I just want us to enjoy each other, so when I fail to post anything for a week, I’m not going to start out by apologizing when I come back. I’m just going to say that I missed you, and I hope you missed me, and we have SO much to talk about, and oh my this soup’s delicious!!

For starters, let me explain something to you that seems to have caused some confusion and worry among my faithful Twitter followers. My roommates and I are…silly comic genius. We have, without planning or even trying really, developed some “characters” that show up periodically in our conversations.

There’s “Unfortunate Prayer Voice,” who really needs a better name. She started when Whitney was mocking me one day in a bizarre voice that sounds absolutely nothing like any human being I’ve ever heard before. I protested, saying that the voice was in no way evocative of my own, and was therefore prohibited for use in mockery of me. If you want to make fun of me by imitation, you can do a ridiculous song and dance, you can giggle when you’re about to tell an amusing anecdote, or you can make a story about ten minutes longer than necessary. But at least use a human voice.

Then there’s “Crazy Prospector,” and I’m not really sure where he came from. I think he started out only as a voice that Lauren used when inquiring after the whereabouts of Whitney. He may be kin to Clucky, the Cluckin’ Chicken.

And finally, there’s “the Conscientious Thug.” Again, I’m not sure where this guy came from, but we believe him to be a cross between “Prison Mike” and Mr. T, and he’s exactly what his name implies - a super-nice guy who always puts others ahead of himself, and who also happens to be a thug. Well, Lauren and I had taken Dooley out the other night, and whilst we were in the yard (we just walked him to the mailbox and back), Whitney tried to call both of us. When we didn’t answer, she became alarmed. Luckily, when we came back inside, I returned her call and assuaged her fears. But upon her arrival at home, Whitney had a message for us from the Conscientious Thug. He said, “It was nice of you to take your roommate’s dog out, but you should always take your cell phone with you for safety just in case you run into someone like me.” That’s sound advice. Thanks, Conscientious Thug.

Next up…Why Being Always a Bridesmaid and Never a Bride Is Actually WAY BETTER!

Friday at last, Friday at LAST!

Thank God Almighty, it’s FRIDAY AT LAST! Man. It has been some kind of WEEK. I honestly couldn’t even tell you where all the time has gone, but I’ve felt just ridiculously busy. So much so that I have failed to regale you with anything interesting since last Friday! For that, I apologize. I hope that you’ve gotten more done at work this week without Onward Hoe! to distract you from your responsibilities. Let’s see if I can catch you up on the exciting things that have happened.

First of all, Jill got married. It was sweet and beautiful, and she played the fiddle at her own reception. Because she’s awesome. Then I caught the bouquet, and Guthrie (her new hubby) ran over a traffic cone in their get-away vehicle. With all his wedding guests watching. Good times, good friends, good fun.

Then, there was a lot of teaching. And I started going to bed earlier so I could spend a few minutes writing every night in addition to my nightly reading. It’s been off to a bumpy start, but habits take a while to form. I’ll get there.

I had a date last night with Whitney. She ate dinner (I’d already eaten), and then we went on a field trip to Target and Lowe’s Foods. They share a parking lot, which was convenient because we were in a hurry to get back, finish our OK! Magazine article on the Madonna/Guy Ritchie split, and watch The Office. So we went to Target first, returned a sweater I’d purchased, then flew across the parking lot to Lowe’s Foods. It was dark, and you know how those parking lots are. There are little islands everywhere, and you never can tell exactly where the exits are. They’re like mazes sometimes. So I was driving quickly while trying to make sure I didn’t hit anything, which sparked the following conversation:

Whitney: You seem a little unsure of where you’re going.
Me: (Rabidly) A LITTLE NIGHT BLINDNESS NEVER HURT NOBODY!

We both survived, by the way.

When we got home, we watched The Office while peeling grapes for the “Haunted Classroom” my students put on today. The grapes, in the dark, feel like eyeballs. It is very disgusting. We also watched 30 Rock for the first time, and I have to say, I’m hooked already (DLF, you were right). Whoever writes for Alec Baldwin’s character is a freaking genius. I mean, the part where he was talking about the Dora the Explorer underwear that were clearly made for an obese child…that was amazing.

Last night, I had a dream that I married my friend Jim, except I wasn’t actually at the ceremony. I just asked him about it later. He said it had all gone well. He’d said “I do” and everything.

So then today,  my class set up and put on “Haunted Classroom 2008.” They’d spent a large part of Thursday planning it, and then when they came in this morning, it was all I could do to keep them on task for the first hour and a half before it was time to start setting the thing up. And by “on task,” I mean learning vocabulary and putting the lyrics to “Thriller” in order.

Anyway, at 10:30, we stopped “working” and started getting the diddy ready, and by 11:30, we had creepy sounds, cobwebs everywhere, the windows blacked out, skeletons hanging from the ceiling, severed heads on every table, a Taiwanese mummy, an Argentinian witch, a Ukrainian demon bar wench, a Tibetan monk vampire, a Hungarian ghost monster, several multicultural under-the-table goblins, and a Korean clown (handing out candy at the exit). I tell you, friends, it was a thing of beauty.

So after the long break, I put on the werewolf mask and hands they’d brought for me and went around to all the other classes, one by one, inviting them to come experience “HAUNTED CLASSROOM.” And surprisingly enough, people were actually freaked out by it. And my students had a BALL. They all felt, afterwards, as though they were truly ready for their first (in most cases) American Halloween. And that’s what I’m all about, y’all. Preparing them to enter the culture. Normally, I would teach them more Mary Kay-approved makeup techniques than covering one’s face in green eye shadow, but that’ll have to be another lesson. Maybe for when the Tibetan monk is absent.

Golly. This whole election has just got everybody all up in arms, doesn’t it?

My friend Andrea (Whatup Dre! I miss you!) and her husband, Matt, posted this article on their blog and asked their readers to respond. My response was getting longer and longer, so I decided to try and do it up right, and here’s what I’ve come up with. It’s entirely likely that I’ll go back and read it tomorrow and think it doesn’t flow very well or disagree with myself or wish that I’d worded something differently so as to make myself more clear, so if you read something you think is way off or contradictory or just ridiculous, please, ask me what I mean and let’s discuss it. Y’all know I’m not good with politics, but opinions have I aplenty. Here we go.

There are several things that bother me about this article.

First of all, he says that people are saying that the rich should be taxed because they are evil. I don’t think anyone has said that rich people are evil. I think they’ve just said that they should be taxed more heavily because they are making more money, which makes sense to me if we’re talking about taxing everyone at the same percentage. Then obviously, if you make more money, you pay more taxes.

But Ramsey seems to think that the people who subscribe to the idea of higher taxes for higher incomes are the evil ones. The problem with this is that vilifying the people you disagree with doesn’t make you any more correct in your point. We also can’t make saints out of everyone who makes over $250,000 just because we have one friend who has worked his butt off to get there. In reality, LOTS of people work their butts off every day and never make more than $40,000 (if that). Ever. We just don’t all have business gifts or inclination required to become self-made men like “Henry.”

Personally, I am very intrigued by the idea of doing away with income taxes altogether and just raising sales taxes. That way, the people who make a lot of money, who are buying more things, will pay higher taxes whereas the people who make very little money, who are only buying necessities, will pay less in taxes. AND nobody can complain about illegal immigrants getting paid under the table and not paying taxes at all. This seems fair to me. Everybody pays according to the lifestyle they lead.

And while we’re on the topic of lifestyles and taxes, I don’t think that the people making $70,000 a year are going to benefit directly from “Henry’s” tax money, nor do I believe they are asking for government assistance. If you make enough money to have a bass boat and fishing equipment, you’re probably not eligible anyway, regardless of your work ethic. It’ll go more toward helping the people who are making like $12,000, right?

Now, why people are only making $12,000 a year, I don’t know. I think that in most cases it has more to do with decisions they’ve made than with being dealt a bum hand in life, and I guess if we want to say, “They got themselves into it, and they should work hard to get themselves out if they want out,” that’s a perfectly valid statement. But it seems rather a cold-hearted response, doesn’t it?

It’s interesting that I read this article today after the Bible study we had last night. We’re in Ecclesiastes 5, where verses 8-10 say,

“If you see the poor oppressed in a district, and justice and rights denied, do not be surprised at such things; for one official is eyed by a higher one, and over them both are others higher still. The increase from the land is taken by all; the king himself profits from the fields.

Whoever loves money never has money enough;
whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income.
This too is meaningless.”

We talked last night about how we basically tend to either ignore poverty or put band-aids on it, but we haven’t found a way to eradicate it entirely. I think that some of our programs and legislation have helped, and I don’t think that we in America today are actively oppressing the poor. At least I want to believe that we’re treating people equally and not denying them justice or rights. But somehow, we’re allowing the poor to remain poor while the wealthy gain more wealth.

I’m not enough of a socialist to believe in taking money directly from the rich and putting it directly into the bank accounts of the poor. It is not right that a teenager should learn from her mother that she can drop out of school on her sixteenth birthday, not work, and live at home on welfare. I don’t think we should continue to allow that to happen. But I do think that the government could take some of that tax money and start programs with it to educate people and provide them with opportunities to dig themselves out of the hole they’ve gotten into. Teach them how to work for it, and hope that they realize the satisfaction that comes with doing a job well.

Allowing the poor to live as though they are still oppressed is just as bad as oppressing them. We need to walk people out of the cycles that keep them in poverty because perhaps they just weren’t as lucky as we were to be born into the middle or upper class.   Perhaps no one has taught them the benefits of education and the (dare I say it?) pleasure of work. Or worst of all, perhaps they’ve never been told that they are valuable, and that they have something to offer the world.  Even if the work is hard and some days we don’t think it’s worth it, WE are worth it. My gosh, if you don’t think that you’re worth what it costs to clothe and shelter you, that is just incredibly tragic.

I don’t presume to have an answer to the tax issue, but I know that doing something about it, trying something new, is better than doing nothing about it or continuing to try the things that haven’t worked for us so far.

And I really don’t presume to know anything about people’s personal financial difficulties, how they got there, or what’s the best way for them to get out, but I know that making them the bad guy doesn’t make me any better. And making bad guys out of people who are trying to help them doesn’t help anybody.

The fact is that we, all of us from the factory worker to the CFO, need Jesus to tell us what we’re worth and to teach us to live as though we believe it. If we did that, we’d all lead very different lives from the ones we’re living now, and I’m saying that more to myself than to any of you reading. We don’t need to reform our social programs so much as we just need Jesus. He’s the one that breaks the cycle of sin and death. He’s the only one that can do it and make it last. So, and I’m not saying this to sound defeatist or pessimistic, but in all seriousness, regardless of who wins the election and what kinds of taxes they place on us, God, help us, please.

Let’s talk books, shall we?

Again, special thanks to Danielle for bringing us a topic of bloggersation. By the way, “bloggersation” is apparently an acceptably-spelled word. I think something strange is afoot in my spell-check, so if you see any typos, please let me know. And please, if you feel so inclined, chime right on in via your own blog and/or the comments section!

What was the last book you bought?
The last two books I bought were On Writing Well by William K. Zinsser and Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott. I bought them at the same time. I don’t remember which one they rang up last.

Name a book you have read MORE than once:
I have probably read C.S. Lewis’s The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe about fifteen times. I love it. I’ve also read Pride and Prejudice more than once, which is much more of a feat.

Has a book ever fundamentally changed the way you see life? If yes, what was it?
I don’t know about a complete fundamental overhaul. If I were a good Christian, I’d say the Bible, which is so many things, not the least of which being life-changing. But I grew up in a Christian home, going to church and believing in the truth of the Bible, so it really helped to shape the way I was seeing life as I went along (and still is), but I can’t say that I had one worldview and then a different worldview after reading the Bible. It just didn’t work that way for me. There have been books, however, that have strongly illuminated Biblical truths in new ways for me, and those, I would say, have had more of the effect I think this question is asking about. One is The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, the third (or maybe fifth depending on how you organize them) book in the Chronicles of Narnia. More specifically, the scene where Eustace, having been transformed into a dragon, encounters Aslan and turns back into a human. It’s beautiful and painful and deeply personal. It’s full of both discipline and grace. I really should just read that one scene every day.

How do you choose a book?
Usually, I choose books that have been recommended to me by others. Or if I’m a fan of a particular author’s work and they have something new out, I’ll pick that up too.

Do you prefer Fiction or Non-Fiction?
Ooooooo this is hard!!! I tend to read more non-fiction, but I LOVE fiction as well. They’re just different ways to tell great stories, and both can have a profound impact on their readers.

What’s more important in a novel - beautiful writing or a gripping plot?
Danielle’s right on. It’s the characters. If you have gripping characters to follow, you’ll follow them anywhere (in plot) even if the writing is mediocre. And really, what is “beautiful writing” anyway? Honestly, a lot of the writing that critics would call “beautiful,” the average reader just finds verbose and confusing. If I have to read and re-read every sentence or paragraph (when I’m fully awake and cognizant), I’m probably not going to finish that book. But I remember when I was reading A Voice in the Wind by Francine Rivers, I felt like the story was carrying on without me whenever I put the book down, and that if I wasn’t reading it, I was missing it. I found myself wondering, in the middle of class, what was happening to the main character(s) in my absence, and every moment I got, I would sneak a peak to find out.

Most loved or memorable character:
Well, there’s Eustace. And I wouldn’t say he’s beloved, but Mr. Collins from Pride and Prejudice is quite memorable. Almost all the P&P characters are, though. Particularly that hot Mr. Darcy. Sigh.

Which book or books can be found on your nightstand at the moment?
Let’s have a look, shall we?

There’s the NIV Study Bible, On Writing Well, Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress by Susan Jane Gilman, The Database (aka my journal), and The Know-It-All by A.J. Jacobs (even though I finished it weeks ago).

What was the last book you’ve read, and when was it?
A couple of weekends ago, I read A Wrinkle in Time. I know I’d read it before, but it had been a while, so it was nice to revisit it.

Have you ever given up on a book half-way in?
On the way back from Mexico back in July, I started reading The Lost Continent: Travels in Small Town America by Bill Bryson, and I found it both uninteresting and condescending, which was the perfect recipe for offensive. Having grown up in small-town Southern America, I can tell you that very little of my life has been boring, so it should naturally follow that stories about small Southern towns  would also be not boring. I guess it’s difficult, though, to write good stories about piddly little places you find insignificant and prosaic when you are as important as Bill Bryson.

and I call myself an educational professional

Well, I did slightly better on my Hannah Montana quiz than Lauren, Whitney and I did on our Jonas Brothers quiz. But still, I’m pretty sure all chances of getting myself or my children into an Ivy League school are now out the window. If only I’d applied myself more. Mom, Dad, I’m sorry. I’ve let you down.

Hannah Montana Quiz!

60% (9 out of 15 Questions Correct)

Fun quizzes, surveys & blog quizzes by

I have quite a bit of random food in the fridge/freezer that I’m determined to eat before I buy any more. I’d like to do this for two reasons: I don’t want it to go to waste. And I’m poor this month. So let’s see how long I can go without buying food, shall we? I don’t think it’ll be that long, but…

Dear Roommates,

Don’t let me buy any food until I’ve eaten what I have. K thx bai.

You have 5 months to practice.

Friends, my birthday is coming up in about five months, which means you need to get to a cake decorating class now if you want to be able to produce anything anywhere NEAR this beautiful by March 6. Ladies and gentlemen, BEHOLD!

got this one from Lisa

This is an email I just got from my friend Lisa. I’m not sure I trust (ALL) my fellow Americans more than the people at AIG or in Washington, but I sure wouldn’t argue with anybody giving me that much money. Y’all think we can make it happen? Nah, me neither.

Subject:The AIG solution

I’m against the $85 BILLION bailout of AIG. Instead, I’m in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a ‘We Deserve It’ dividend.  To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bona fide U.S. citizens, aged 18+.

Our population is about 301 million counting every man, woman and child.  So, 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up., divide 200 million, 18+ adults into $85 billion - that equals $425,000.00 each!   Yes, my plan is to give that $425,000 to every adult as a ‘We Deserve It’ dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free.  So, let’s assume a tax rate of 30%.  Everyone would pay $127,500.00 in taxes.  That sends $25.5 billion right back to Uncle Sam!  It also means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.  A husband and wife would have $595,000.00!

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00?
* Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
* Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads.
* Put away money for college - it’ll really be there.
* Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
* Buy a new car - create jobs .
* Invest in the market - capital drives growth.
* Pay for your parent’s medical insurance - health care
improves.
* Enable Deadbeat  Parents  to come clean - or else.
Remember this is for every adult U.S. citizen, 18 and older (including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehmann Brothers and every other company that is cutting back) and of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let’s really do it!   Instead of trickling out a puny $1,000.00 economic incentive.

If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult U.S. citizen!!

As for AIG - liquidate it.
* Sell off its parts.
* Let American General go back to being American General.
* Sell off the real estate.
* Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

We deserve the money and AIG doesn’t.  Sure it’s a crazy idea, but can you imagine the coast-to-coast block party?!

How do you spell Economic Boom? W-e  D-e-s-e-r-v-e  I-t d-i-v-i-d-e-n-d!  I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion ‘We Deserve It’ dividend more than do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington, D.C..

And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 billion because $25.5 billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.