an open letter to my little silk pillow
Dear Little, Round, Mustard-Colored Pillow,
For the record, I think you are the cutest pillow I have ever seen. I love you more than my other throw pillows, and I’m not ashamed to say it. I do not understand, therefore, why your self-esteem is so low that you are constantly jumping onto the floor. It’s dirty down there, buddy, and I don’t want you to get dirty. The floor is covered in dust and dead bug residue and dirt and Dooley’s hair and slobbery toys. You are not a floor pillow. Leave that nasty job to the big, ugly, brown pillows. You are a throw pillow, and I know that the name suggests that you hurl yourself about the room, but that is not the case. You can just stay on the furniture. It’s ok. I know you feel pointless and unimportant, and that you are not often on display, and I know that someone somewhere gave you up to Father and Sons Antiques, but rest assured in the knowledge that every time I look at you, I think of what a great find you were, and I was so glad to be able to purchase you second-hand. You are mine, little pillow, and I love you. Please feel free to lounge around on the throne all day every day, and please don’t jump onto the floor any more. It’s just not where you belong.
love,
Beth
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You bought a USED pillow??
BEDBUGS, Fern! BEDBUGS!!!!! AAAUUUUGGGHHHH!!!
Did you check for fecal matter before you bought it? Be careful! I cannot warn you enough! Now every time I have the slightest itch or anything as I’m falling asleep, I am instantly awake and jump up, turn on the lights, and begin stripping bed. I am forever traumatized because of my experience and don’t want it to happen to you. Do you know when the last time I have gotten in bed, fallen asleep, and slept through the night was? Neither do I! It’s been awhile!
Not to worry, DLF, it’s far too small a pillow for sleeping. Plus it has a button in the middle of it that would make it VERY uncomfortable to put your face on. It’s only for show, and it lives in the living room. It never touches my bed. Do not fear.
clearly you do not understand the way bedbugs work. let’s just say that there are now warnings against sitting on the wooden benches in the subway because there are bedbugs on them. Those nasty little hitchhikers jump on you and do NOT leave. They travel from your bag to your sofa then on your clothes to your bed. They live for over a year without food. They take up residence in paper, wood furniture, clothes, linens, any kind of upholstery, cushions, etc. and are VERY difficult to exterminate. They shoot you with anaesthetic before feasting so that you don’t feel anything and wake up with sores. “bed”bugs take over your house and can destroy lives. I know people that had to wander homeless and possession-less because of them. So do not underestimate them!
This is not just for you but for all your readers. I want NO ONE to experience what I have. So NEVER bring used upholstered furniture into your house. With smaller cushions, spray them with bedbug spray REALLY well and leave them in a garbage bag before bringing them in your house. Be equally wary of wood furniture– spray it well several times before bringing it inside. Check EVERY PAGE of each used book you bring in. Lift up the bedding and check the mattress in each hotel you stay in. Spray your suitcase when you bring it back from a trip– you never know what was in/on the suitcase next to yours in the baggage hold.
This may seem crazy and extreme, but believe me– it’s worth it. I will do ALL of these things from now on since I have experienced the genuine hell of bedbugs.
LOVE YOU!
Dear Beth,
Little do you realize that I am not leaping to the floor out of some feeling of self-pity or depression. I am merely trying desperately to escape my confines. You see, I am no mere throw pillow. I live my life every day as someone’s butt-comforter, lean-helper, or sleep-aid. I feel I am destined for more. Indeed, I feel like fate has a big ole’ adventure waiting for me out there in the wild, wild world. I know you love me, and, truthfully, I feel the same way. But I’m just destined for bigger things, baby. That’s just the way it is.
Love,
Little, Round, Mustard-Colored Pillow