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writer’s block
By beth | September 11, 2008
You may have noticed that sometimes I disappear for a while, and then I come back claiming that I’ve been busy or that nothing interesting has happened, and while it may be true that I’ve been busy, I rarely fail to write for lack of interesting material. The inside of my head is a constant three-ring circus with a running list of responsibilities and ways to procrastinate facing them in one ring, hopes and dreams for the future in another, and Broadway shows starring me in the third. Plus I teach ESL in real life, so there’s always something to say.
I don’t write sometimes for one of two reasons. Either (a) I’m afraid that what I really want to say would reveal too much about me to the world, or (b) I’m trying so hard to write in my “unique voice” that everything comes out sounding fake and cliche. Even now, I’m worried that ‘a’ is the case.
So I spend my time and fill up valuable internet space talking about craig’s list ads, tv shows and ridiculously dressed mannequins, or re-posting video montages of tattoos that utilize human bellybuttons to depict cartoon animals poking each other in the anus. I mean, I still think that post was funny, and I really wish I could have been inside my mom’s head for the time it took her to realize I was totally kidding. But the point is that those things are ultimately pointless.
Can you tell I’ve been studying Ecclesiastes?
If I rewrote part of the second chapter, replacing Solomon’s experiences with my own, it would read something like this:
I undertook great projects: I wrote articles and dreamed up book ideas. I made crafts and scrapbooks and took all kinds of pictures. I rocked t-shirts and was said by some to be “fashion forward.” I bought computers and electronics and all manner of kitchen gadgets. I also downloaded more music than I ever intended to listen to. I amassed shoes and clothes. I acquired sassy, stylish home decor—the delights of the heart of woman. I became cooler and more desirable in my own opinion.
I denied myself nothing my bank account could support;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labor.
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
Nothing. In reading the first chapter, you’ll notice that God is mentioned only once as having placed a heavy burden on men. I don’t know if the heavy burden is the work we do to try to figure out the work that’s worth doing, or if it’s that there’s so much here on Earth that we’ll never know or understand, and we spend our whole lives wading through it to try to achieve something worth achieving, or if it’s just that work sucks as a consequence of sin (Man was always put to work. It just wasn’t crappy until after the Fall). But whatever the burden is that God has placed on us, at least we know that God is there. Solomon makes some mention of him at least.
In the first half of the second chapter, though (that’s where I am in the study), there is no mention of God at all. He comes in at the end of the chapter, but I’m not there yet, so back to the first eleven verses. It’s a whole list of amazing things Solomon accomplished in his life - good, valuable, helpful things - the stuff of legacies even, and he calls them all worthless. That’s hard for me. It struck me yesterday, though, that God didn’t make the list of things tried and failed, and that perhaps all of the things on the list are worthless because He wasn’t one of them.
The same goes for Onward Hoe!. I’m not saying I’m going to stop blogging. I’m not even saying I’m going to stop posting the ridiculous, immature bits I know we all love. I think all I am saying is that I want to try not to be afraid of being completely real here…although I’ll still mostly likely decline to share almost all the details of my love life with you. Sorry, internet. It’s not that interesting anyway.
Topics: fashion, Scripture, friends, Family, ESL, "celebrities" |
September 11th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I loved this post and would love to have a real discussion with you about it later utilizing a more personal medium. However, I do just have to mention that I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you described the home decor you have acquired as “sassy”. Oh, Fern, I love thee.
September 12th, 2008 at 6:39 am
This is a very super post. Awesome, in fact.
And I think it’s pretty super that you think about just how much of yourself you should divulge to this bustling www. These days, it’s more blurt-and-regret than stop-and-ponder. Bravo, you, for choosing the latter.
(Don would like this post. *wink*)
September 12th, 2008 at 7:11 am
The more I think about it the more I realize that Solomon is the Debbie Downer of the Bible (wah wah waaah).
September 12th, 2008 at 8:26 am
you were vulnerable in ddo, right? it’s odd that blogging brings out the silly rather than serious, and both are online. maybe we figured ddo had more of an unknown audience, people that wouldn’t later call you out on the serious ramblings and always expect the funny? i don’t like posting serious stuff b/c my blog is tied into facebook and there’s all these people i will undoubtedly see at the h.s. 10 year reunion. lame, huh?
September 12th, 2008 at 11:40 am
Buddy, I liked this post a lot, too. I know you’re still working out the boundaries of serious vs light-hearted, but it seems your readers would love more thoughts like this post thrown in the mix. You’re all profound and stuff, buddy!
I heart you.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:43 am
DLF-Thanks, friend. I heart thee as well, and there is never a time when I would not love to have a real discussion with you via personal medium.
Danielle-Hahaha! If only Don would notice me!!!
Will-Yeah, kinda, but I think if that’s all you see, you’re missing the point. I hope to have more to say on that further into the book, but that’s my sneaking suspicion right now.
Paige-Yes, I was, but I think it was because I had compartmentalized my writing, allocating spiritual things to ddo and silly things to Onward Hoe!, but without the ddo outlet, this kind of thing has to be said somewhere. It just has to.
Whitney-I heart you too, buddy. Which category do you think the belly shots fall into?